Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

Hey Mo

Don't send that email. If you do write to him then keep it factual - you are creating evidence here, bear in mind your comms will be used as evidence. If you must write, give him the rope.

But as my friend just said to me 'I'm not your mother but try not to stay up too late' - and I'm passing that on to you! You have kiddos to see to at the crack of dawn in the morning, you're dealing with some heavy stuff, you need your sleep xx

Collecting evidence, not creating evidence!

:) just imagine when this is over and a mum in the playground says oh do you want to go to X class or fancy an ice cream over the park and you can say YES! No stress no worry simple things really are the best.

I'm only messing about Springy, don't worry, lord knows I need to, and sleep? Well I haven't had a good night's sleep in several years

Akire, simple things ARE the best. And things that don't cost any money too but don't tell my STBEX that

Then sorry to be so grave

Tell him fuck off you sad fucker

Loving the about turn Springy, you rebel
It really is time for bed now though....thanks everyone for your support, you are all brilliant.

Oh it is lovely to see that you can now see light at the end of the tunnel, AngryMo. This is mumsnet and the law at their best.

Agreeing with you all, love seeing the evidence that the OP is growing stronger in front of our eyes. This was the first thread i checked this morning, its a real beacon of hope.

The level of money he allows you to have is all we did have to live on after bills when we got WTC top up as our income was so low!!!

It's awful that he denies you and the dc so much whilst he carries on as before

Can you not get petrol/fuel on the prepayment card or do they not have stations?

Brilliant Mo! Love the phrase 'silent assassin'. Be that!

Annoyingly you can't use the card for petrol.
Actually Random you've reminded me of something - how could I forget - stunned probably - he did say something about giving me the equivalent if I was on benefits, income support or similar. Wish I had written it down.

Credit card?

Borrow money from your parents/sibling/friends?

How are you today Mo? Have you had the Skype call yet? There must a whole jumble of thoughts going around in your head, but please, remember this - it is absolutely your call what to do about your situation of course, tempting perhaps to keep the status quo, freedom can be a scary thought, the unknown. You may feel guilt about the family, but what you have to keep focus of is the fact the you are not wrecking this relationship, you are not breaking up a family unit, if indeed that is what you want, your partner has done this all by himself with his unreasonable behaviour. All it seems he had to do, was treat you like an equal, be open with you, perhaps all he would have needed to keep you onside was up your housekeeping to a decent level. He will be the author of his own misfortune. whether that is in the next few weeks or next few years.
Remember, you are a grown up person, doing the vital job of raising his children. You deserve to be able to do that, swimming, skating, days out are all part of family life, not scrimping to put food on the table and uniform on their backs (when there is ample money to do so)
I hope you had a decent nights sleep - we are all behind you, so is the law.
keep putting on that normal front in the meantime - remember - silent assassin.

So he actually thinks all you and his DC deserve is the pittance that being on benefits is so you doing all the parenting and running a house to enable him to save up for his f*cking sports car...

Actually I'm now horrified.

The level of maintenance you will get for the DC from him is going to afford you to live well provided you get some sort of work, presumably his mum will help out with childcare a little bit?

Please sort out the child benefit claim urgently and get the wheels in motion ring these places up tell them you have separated due to abuse and he will not be returning to the shared house. You need to decide where you want to live etc. as I would strongly recommend buying something that will be cheap to run and maintain with your share of the equity in the property.

If his mum would look after the dc a couple of nights per week I would actually see if you can get bar work - anything to get yourself started back on your own feet. Is there anything you could do self employed?

Oh Mo, he is a pig. Keep everything, I'm sure you'd never delete that email, but keep everything. Make a note of what he said about benefits too, with date, and keep on making notes of all these tjings. Having a diary type document can be very helpful to police, solicitors and Courts.

Perhaps you could smoke him out by replying to his email, specifically citing the benefits calculation eg 'my current income is equivalent to benefits, as you indicated when you calculated my share of the budget.' (Not very well worded but I'm tired!) Get him to admit he specifically planned for you to have no more than you would receive on benefits.

I do believe he actually sat down and worked out the sums. Gruesome.

The silent assassin is back Thanks for asking about me

Springy, that is not a bad idea. To ask him how he came up with that figure and see what he says, but a direct question about it being equivalent to benefits would be better.

I spent the day with a dear friend of mine and since we were with the kids, told her I had something to tell her but couldn't say in front of them. As soon as we were in a position to chat out of earshot of them, I told her everything. She was expecting me to say affair or something so was surprised at first but since I've known her a long time she said actually it's not such a shock, because she had picked up on a few things at the start of our relationship (about how we split the bill in restaurants, odd little comments he made about money and stuff like that), that she didn't like but didn't say anything because she didn't want to interfere and thought we were past all that now and that things had changed. I had a feeling she had noticed the odd thing, but couldn't remember details because it was such a long time ago, and as she pointed out, I was probably blind to it because I was in love and just swept it aside. Which is probably true.

Talking to her I realised...and yes, the pennies keep slowly dropping, I'm so embarrassed about this - he's been allowing himself to save and put money aside all this time (even in the form of a decent pension if nothing else) and yet I have nothing, because we never split a single thing evenly and I used all my salary on our home and the children and never put a penny aside because I was overdrawn. I always assumed because I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives if I didn't have savings of my own (bar a tiny pension), he'd look after me. God, naive doesn't cover it.

Mo it makes me so so so so sad. Yep you've been bank rolling HIM all this time yet he resents having to feed and clothe you and the dc at the bare minimum, I have seen it time and time again.

Please don't blame yourself. You have time to gather savings, get a pension on track etc. Getting rid of him, downsizing the house and starting over are the first steps.

Random, when you put it like that, me bank rolling HIM, you can't deny it, he's been very happy for me to spend 'my' money on FAMILY things but at the same time fattening up HIS pension, not ours.

I think springdaffs idea is great. Also, the fact is that you would be entitled to benefits plus CM from him, so you would most likely financially be better off living on benefits.

What a sad loser.

At the moment I can't stomach even writing an email to him. The Skype call is happening tomorrow so I'm sure something there will set me off (even though I'm not planning to speak or be in view). I still haven't managed to call WA again though yet. I just want some bloody time off all this stuff.

Telling as many people as you can is so great. It makes you stronger every time, it's all valuable back up that you can ask friends for help in an emergency or if the sod cuts off your phone contract and you need emergency money to get online or whatever. Reading through the thread from 3 weeks ago you started so far away , so unsure if you were even been unresonsble even to question your life. Now you run forward 100 metres , jumped off the line of no return and every day closer to kicking his ass. Should be so proud of yourself.

In purely practical terms, if you had some kind of emergency whilst he's away, would your parents be able to lend you money? You are truly living without a safety net. What if he decides simply to stop topping this card up to teach you a lesson? I don't say that to worry you further but that's basically the situation you are in, you are completely beholden to him.

His whole argument that his stringent financial controls are because of your mismanagement are completely undermined by the fact he won't fund his children's extra-curricular activities. If it was really about your (alleged) tendency to overspend, he would pay for the activities direct and they wouldn't be expected to miss out. But he doesn't, because he revels in exerting control over people who are powerless. His own children.

At this stage what can it matter if you drink his expensive wine? Except that you'd be better off selling it. You won't be playing 'everything is normal' when he next comes home on leave.

I'm assuming he's aiming to be out of the country enough to avoid being tax resident here, a man like this doesn't strike me as the sort to be paying any more tax than he absolutely has to. That should work in your favour to keep him away at least.