Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

He wants to skype the children tomorrow. I'll let him of course, so I'll set it up, but I won't speak to him. No way I would let this one go, even after some wine. I have too much to lose if I say anything now.

That's right Mo, you are the silent assassin!

I like the way GrumpyOldBlonde thinks...

grumpy love it silent assassin

IMO, if he asks about what your thoughts are re: his email, keep schtum/deflect/pretend that you agree.....set him up into thinking that you won't follow through with your threat.

Fortunately, because he is away this should be fairly easy to do.

Do you have any access in regards to mortgage/pension etc? If you do I would get copies and save for the SHL (shit.hot.lawyer).

Don't worry, there's no chance I will slip up. After all, I've been trained into making every look like everything's fine, haven't I?

Different situation but my retired mum is just separating from my dad and as she isn't (can't work) she is getting the lions share of everything as my dad has 8 more years to work.

I'm willing to bet you have some kid of special bottle in the house Mo. Champagne or a good bottle of whiskey or brandy? Open it and have a drink. Raise a glass to yourself and your future. To your freedom.

some kind* of special bottle

Kitty, my knee jerk reaction to opening his expensive wine is I can't, he'd be livid, in fact I can't imagine the reaction because I've never tested it out. But it might be worth testing it out now. What's he gunna do?
But not tonight, I've already opened some cheap PG

Sorry, I meant opening his reaaaalllly expensive wine. Not just his regular old expensive wine (already been scolded for that because it was a random Thursday and how dare I).

Haha at the PG. Yes I'm keen for you to upgrade to the reaaaallly expensive wine. It's a symbolic action. Maybe for another day. Yes. What's he gonna do. Who cares x

Any call to police, CAB, WA etc. is confidential, you are getting information, there is no obligation to make any formal accusations. You are stunned that this it is now & police issue. Make enquiries, get information, use your brain which has now come up for air, & get yourself into a stronger place. Do not let on to P that you are now this warrior !!! as you say, submissiveness has been learned !!!
Well done ...... Freedom will be yours.

sorry, typos

Just to give you an idea, my DH earns about the same as your DH (his take home is over £4000pcm) and I get £1600pcm deposited into my account for the household expenses in my name, savings, and my own personal spending money. Plus I have 3 rental properties in my name (he has 1) and net income from that (although I've been reinvesting rather than taking income from it).

As equal partners in our relationship, we have always had equal disposable income.

I only say this to illustrate this things are for us in an equal marriage. No way I'd put up with the attitude of your DH given my being a SAHM was a joint decision.

I've just realised, in my conversation with CAB lady, she asked me if I asked him to move out and he agreed, if I thought he would continue to pay the mortgage. My first thought was, and I told her, well he would have to, otherwise it would affect his credit rating if I couldn't keep up the payments and he would never let that happen. Never mind that his three children would be looked after in their own home! Shit, I feel like sometimes I don't even realise the extent of his conditioning and manipulation of me. It's a scary thought. I thought I was, ok, not the most ambitious power-suited kind of woman, but strong and independent enough. Until I quit my effing job.

He spent money that should have been spent on his children's hobbies on his own hobbies instead. If I were you I'd sell the wine and golf clubs and send DC2 to an extracurricular activity.

That's £6300pa

Keep going lovely. It's a big shock to get the evidence in b&w but it's for the best in the long run. He has practically signed his death warrant with that email - it is a gift! Though it won't feel like it at the moment

Exactly Rabbit, what I was thinking: I have given up stuff for my kids but I don't begrudge any of it, because I put them first and only want the best for them, and so what if I can't do x or y, I can take it up again later or whenever I get the chance, I had my whole life pre-kids to do those things. Yet he has given up the sum zero of nothing, of his personal pleasures. Should have fucking known when he wanted to go off doing his thing during paternity leave. And I remember the midwife commenting on it at the time. I am such a bloody mug.

Springy, I did recognise the fact that yippee, I have some evidence to prove I'm not making this whole thing up in my head. As long as an email stands up, that is.

You aren't a mug. Don't take personally what he has done to you. This has happened to so many of us - all strong, confident, sorted women. It's the tactics abusers use (consciously or not) - so deadly accurate. They exploit our trust and they do it s-l-o-w-l-y - or we would run a mile. Do the Freedom Programme, it will really help you to not take his abuse personally. Xx

Hello springy! I meant carD top up ffs.

Some of us are still up! When you put it by that isn't it absurd lol. Tempting put photos of kids eating porridge for every meal on Facebook page because he's not paid you yet.

Akire that is brilliant! Imagine the comments. I'd tag him and everything. Obviously the b'stard has been skulking on fb but not being active, as I can see when he was last logged on.

I could get them to so sad faces and everything