Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

Yes if done by the CMA, but you will have half the house

Sorry, meant to add, this is where you need legal advice

Definitely!

Yes I know, I'm waiting for them to get back to me. Do you think there's a chance it could be anything more, e.g. Awarded a higher percentage of the house? I know every case is unique, but if anyone has had any first or second hand experience would be useful to know.

A trip to citizens advice should point you in the right direction regarding what you can claim. Try to make an appointment as soon as you can. Have you thought about contacting 101 regarding the financial control. To me it comes under coercive control and therefore is covered by the new law. The police may be able to help you to move forward. You may feel stuck but there are ways out. Sale of your home woukd be the best way. That could be achieved before he even comes back.
On that note could you use the coercive control law as leverage to get him to play ball on selling the home? tell him you will go to the police unless he provides for you and the kids until it is sold. Just a thought.

Contact women's aid too.

I wouldn't try and barter with this psychopath. I believe he has provided you with written proof of Coercive Control, hence suggesting police. Your other questions about the house are for a solicitor. I would imagine than you might have more chance of a Mesher Order than getting more than 50%, but your deposit would surely be a factor.

What is financial abuse?

Financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse. An abusive partner may stop you from having control over your money as a way of trying to exert power over you.

A financially-abusive partner may also be physically violent, but it’s not always the case. Financial abuse in the home – whether or not it’s accompanied by aggression or physical violence – can leave you feeling isolated, lacking in confidence and trapped.

It can include:
•stopping you from getting (or keeping) a job
•making you hand over your wages or benefits
•making you ask your partner – or others – for money
•making you account for every penny you spend – for example by showing receipts
•not allowing you to spend money on yourself or your children
•controlling your bank account
•stealing, taking or demanding money from you and/or
•running up debts

Mo, if you had a single shred of doubt about you situation.

I never thought I'd have to call the police over my partner

That's quite overwhelming

Have you a friend you could have over tonight? Glass of wine and a good chat?

for you Mo

You sound lovely and a great mother to your children.

I can appreciate that it's easier said than done, to ring the police/women's aide, but that last post from grumpy really puts what he is doing in black and white.

Hang in there Mo, we are so lucky we live in a society that no longer lets men get away with this. No more I throw the little woman housekeeping and don't hit her/what's she got to complain about crap. If it feels like it's abuse that you are trapped then it is abuse. Your kids are going to be so proud of you-imagine them growing up hating their dad because he never let them have anything because he just decided so.

Just read this. Nope, it's not normal. Yep, he's got a problem. Yep, you need to assert your position. This is financial abuse. Get out while you can, and ensure your children and yourself are properly sorted re house / maintenance etc. Sounds blunt, but why are you wasting your life, your youth to second guess this awful man's awful reactions? Where are 'you' in all of this?

I managed to get through to CAB. I asked her about the house and she said since this comes under domestic violence laws (very strange to hear her referring to violence all the time), if we separate, he could be made to leave the house. What would happen to the mortgage payments, I don't know. Anyway I am going to be contacted by my local bureau next week directly for a more in depth conversation about it.
She told me to ring WA again now my situation has moved on from the first time I called them so will do that later when the kids are in bed. She said they are very useful when liaising with the police.
Oh god. To hear that what he's been doing is actually a criminal offence is unbelievable. And he has no clue about these laws, obviously.

No, he may be Billy Big bollocks at work and in the home, but he is not above the law of the land. He shouldn't need to know about these laws, decent people don't keep their kids in relative poverty.

Well done. You took an important step

Kitty is right, and now you know for sure it is not just the opinions of internet strangers, but the law and that has been confirmed by CAB

Grumpy, can I ask you where you took that info from about financial abuse?

Such progress! Very proud of you.

I know it's a lot to take in, seeing it in black and white and hearing these terms. And I suspect your talk with WA is going to be another humdinger. But you're doing so well! And you need this information, thus resolve, this change in mindset. It really is the only way forward.

Stay strong!

Thank you. Suddenly things seem to be moving and escalating very quickly.

It's like watching someone else's life. Before I quit my job, I thought we were a happy family. My baby's only two

I just can't wait till I'm in a position to thwack him with all this information.

It's OK grumpy, I found it

Do you think he might be in touch over the weekend? Danger is you have a couple of drinks and thwack him, keep schtum would be my advice. As much as to not totally upset and overwhelm yourself. You are doing great Missus.