Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

If he earns £60k per year I reckon you will get £1k per month child maintenance...

If you sell the house could you be a small place outright with about 60% of the equity?

Kitty I know it's not all about money (and I'm far from brilliant but thanks!) and it's about what's fair. I would just like to know how those amounts fare in the real world (obviously so far I've not kept within those limits but in a way this is a tiny act of rebellion. I know I am capable of making do on even less, as I've done it before, but what does he think, I'm going to spend a penny less than I'm given???? If I don't spend everything on the prepaid card, then he'd only top it up, and I'd actually receive less than the £75 limit. He is stupid.

But with three DC you are spending this on five people not four.

£200 is nothing if you are using it for petrol, activities, etc.

£75 a week on food is doable depending on where you shop and how you cook (batch cooking) but the point is that if he is saying to his friends that he doesn't have to scrimp then unless that is actually BS then neither should you.

No he's not included at the moment because he's away, that money is just for us.

Having lovely expensive business dinners no doubt, staying in a hotel where everything is done for him perhaps? Is that why he is comfortable seeing you as staff?

Actually Grumpy no, he won't be enjoying that sort of luxury. He will still have to wash his own clothes and make his own bed. But I'm sure he will be eating out most nights to avoid cooking and living on your own is a lot simpler than with three children.

Bang goes my theory then! he is away a long time, plenty of time for you to get a plan in place.

The guy is staying away for 6 months, no plan to fly you lot out on location ? & spend time together. He not only doesn't love or respect you, he doesn't really seem to think the kids are human beings either..
He doesn't provide for a treat for the kids, like a pizza lunch or a rainy afternoon at the swimming pool, or intact anything other than the meagre minimum.
I would start keeping your receipts, & work out what you really spend on.
like Nappies, some stuff you can bulk buy or compare prices on the internet. so that you can make some savings when you are shot of this vile specimen.
At least you are out of the FOG, & can see what is happening now. & you have space & time to plan.

No bank statement has come through the door yet ?

When you are calling the solicitor, remember to make notes of questions you want to ask before, & write the replies as they are given, you will not be able to remember all that info in one go.
If you think the person is not on the ball & wised up on this EA subject, look for another one, also, I would hasard a guess that a woman would be better, but could be wrong?

Do you remember who was the solicitor/estate agent who dealt with the house purchase? can you get a copy of the house deeds ?
Yes, do get the property valued in his absence.
See about your child benefit, & try & get it backdated. make sure it goes to your own private account. too bad if he pays extra tax. it is money entitled to you, over & above his pathetic allowance

Mo you wrote this previously:

Until he actually receives correspondence from a solicitor, will he ever understand the seriousness of the situation? He is about to lose his children and his home. I can't understand how he seems to think it's a joke.

IMHO, he has already lost his house, children and wife.

Keep that email and I would call women's aid as well. That email is proof of his abuse of you and will come in handy. I would get copies of the mortgage, pensions etc and keep (or forward) any correspodance he sends to you.

Also, in the short term is their anything you can sell? Could you borrow from your family?

could you sell his golf clubs ?

if you were claiming as single parent 3 kids you would be getting around £65-70 per week per person so say £280 week. Even if you then spent half of that on heating gas water etc it would still give you £140 a week for food clothing living.

You are getting £125 per week and £75 of that is on a store card so isn't giving you the best deals or from what you say ability to save. As you said if you have £10 left he will just top up so there £75 on it.

If you really had to live on this fair enough but given he has so much you don't need to be struggling or begging and yes you are begging for any extra.

As for if you want more go to work! I can believe if you did get a job he would adjust your money accordingly. It seems far more abusive with him being away and you having no say. In an emergency you have wait for him to get back to you and ponder is responses. Shit no way to live mo. The fact he can go away while you do all child work is totally lost on him isn't it.

So glad you are getting proper legal advice, comes to one thing if you are better off leaving a mAn on a good income and go off to live in a hostel! Can't wait to organise your virtual Mo's free party!!!

He really is something else. I have 3DC's and their activities, petrol ferrying them around and general school costs come to more than £200 a month.

Most normal people with kids I know who earn probably average salaries manage to send their children to after school activities. In fact it's rare to find someone who doesn't pay for some sort of extracurricular activity. P agreed to one activity for our eldest, but that is it. One activity per week, and he made me pay 1/3 of it from my allowance. I would like to enrol him in a couple more things and I just can't because he has already said no. I'd also like DC2 to have an activity but that's out of the question.
Because he projects a very successful image to people, it puts me in a very awkward situation when a friend from school or whatever says hey why don't we sign them up for X or Y or why don't we take the kids here some time (like a theme park or some such, which can get expensive for all of us) and I can't just say yes or no, I have to either ask P first, or just say no we can't and make an excuse.
Anyway, we know he's unreasonable, I think I've given enough examples..don't know why I'm telling you all this as well.

Your venting. Get it all out here. Take comfort knowing your situation is changing!

Ironically, the fact he has a stay at home partner who doesn't work is probably something that adds to his image of being successful - ooh, look at Angry, since he's been doing that job she's not needed to work. If only they knew. And they will.

Don't anyone know, now that EA has become a crime, does that then entitle the OP to legal aid, like DV?

Thing is if you're not married there isn't legally anything to be done!!! AngryMo gets her share of the house as her name is on the deeds etc then she claims for maintenance for the DC and that's it.

Hence the need for her to get Child Benefit reclaimed and in her name - have you rang them yet op?

You can claim as single parent now, if you have decided it is over, and you will no longer wash/cook/clean/do anything for him then you start the ball rolling for CM and claim CTC as a single parent.

That is so awful, I feel so so sorry for you and your kids he really is just nasty isn't he. What kind of dad doesn't want to pay for their kids to do activities when they could EASILY afford it.

RandomMess is right too....plus hes not even in the country!! and wont be for 6 months so you would be well within your rights to claim as a single parent too. I would get the ball rolling as this could take months for a claim to come through.

He is an absolute fucking cunt and now that he has put you and your children in a crisis situation are you not tempted to blow the lid off with emergency solicitor/police/separation/benefits claim/crisis loan etc? I know it's hard but be brave. It will be a very immediate route to major improvements in your living circumstances. I don't want you to look back and regret that you didn't seize the moment.

Not done the child benefit thing yet. Believe me I have so much (else) on my plate right now I am struggling as it is.
Regarding the legal side of things, is it a fact that he wouldn't have to pay to support me too, as he is out of the country and we don't know for certain when he'll be back? How can I realistically look for a job (other circumstances aside) when I am unsupported otherwise?

You will claim Child Maintenance. Is he employed and paid by a UK company?

Yes, UK company. But CM is fixed isn't it, it's a percentage of salary and nothing more, right?

So sorry that you have so much other stuff on your plate. I can't imagine what would take priority over this but you know what you are dealing with.