Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

You must be reeling Mo. The only way is up from here

I haven't posted before but have been reading your thread mo.

I'm so sorry, but I agree with PP......LEAVE.THE.BASTARD!

If he is away, see a solicitor and start the process. You really need to follow through with your threat.

Well, at least getting a reply in writing is helpful to you OP (while being horrible in terms of indicating what a future together would look like).

You need to get a WA recommended solicitor who is experienced in dealing with abusive partners. When you see them you must tell them this:

I said well I don't want the card, it's too restrictive to me. So he said well if you don't use it, you'll all starve. Excellent. A nice result for an argument on a Thursday evening.

Your update has made me gasp! Others are right - solicitor, only option. He really thinks he is your boss doesn't he? Cold, cold man. He has turned down your salary review like an employee, keep that email Mo, silly fucker has outed himself good and proper. Why does he think your account is overdrawn for Christ's sake. Oh, you could be so much better off without him - wanker.

This is actually shocking. I agree with PP its like your his employee....He has no emotion its like he's a robot. You would be so much happier on your own.

And richer!

So just to clarify you have no money on the pre-pay card and your overdrawn until next week but he will not give you anything else until then? Words fail me.

What if there was an emergency, what if you need food, what if you want to take the DC's for a walk and a hot chocolate. This is not acceptable. You have to end this.

Hi Mo, I've been lurking but had to post after that

I hope that the hideousness of that reply has removed any remaining trace of desire to be decent in your dealings with him.

Time for anger and action.

You deserve so much better

I would imagine over the years he has given you show-off presents - get some cash together by selling some jewellery if you have it, anything you have. Don't engage with old tightwad anymore - keep copies of any further emails, drink his wine once you have spoken to a solicitor, look forward to a happier future.

Bloody hell.

It's like you've just gone for a meeting with your bank manager.

What are you actually going to do for money? I agree with tell him the relationship is over and look into getting benefits to help you.

I cannot believe he responded like that, "advance notice and consideration". He really thinks a lot of himself, and very little of you and his children

Cunt.

(sorry for swearing)

get your house valued too Mo, no harm in getting everything in place.

Blimey, words do utterly fail me.

So you are nanny and housekeeper with zero respite.

So how much allowance do you get for supermarket food/drink per week for yourself & 3 children?

How much money do you get per week to do anything else for the dc or yourself that is not part of their weekly regular activities?

Seriously get the house valued tell him that you are now separated and that you wish the house to be sold. Start claiming child benefit and tax credits as a single parent and look for work etc.

Words really do fail me

So pleased to catch up with this thread and know that you are fighting your way out of the fog. Great stuff, well done Mo.

Just a point about your next step and the impact it will make on him. You have done brilliantly in not chasing an answer to your last email. The next move is up to him, keep your letter,and notes and memories , as others have said, up you sleeve. Let him make the next move. Whatever you do, don't show him how much of your headspace he still occupies. Even if he tries to ignore and face it out, just wait. A few more hours or days won't matter, either way but it would be really important for you to hold your nerve and just observe his reactions.

At some point, he will refer to the email, perhaps to slight it, to say i hope you have forgotten all that nonsense..., That is the moment to not react, then send him a few lines to say as outlined by RunRabbitRunRabbit upthread 'i can no longer tolerate...'

All the very, very best, so glad you have your parents, some RL friends and all if us onside. xx

He has just given you written evidence of financial abuse which is illegal. Is him being overseas the reason you can't get a job at the moment?

Personally, I would move out while he is gone, find a job, childcare and somewhere to live and then hit him with a claim for child support.

He is effectively keeping you prisoner. And the reason you "have a tendency to go overdrawn" is because he is depriving you of money. Fucking twat that he is. £75 a fucking week! He's having a fucking laugh.

Thank you for all your reactions. I've spoken to two good friends and my mum this morning. One of my friends gave me the details of a family solicitor, someone she has personally used and recommends so I've just sent an enquiry about having a telephone consultation, seeing as they are not local to me.
I just told my mum my full intentions as well. She is completely behind me, of course.
I will have to use my overdraft to get through this weekend. I was in shock this morning, but feel better having spoken about it and have my pragmatic head on now. My friend says it's like he's lost his mind and I keep going back to that thought. Until he actually receives correspondence from a solicitor, will he ever understand the seriousness of the situation? He is about to lose his children and his home. I can't understand how he seems to think it's a joke.

He thinks you are under his thumb, he doesn't believe you are serious and you will knuckle back down - helluva shock he has coming, you have an army of mumsnetters behind you to support you (and come round to polish off his wine if needed!)

Have you rang up to start the ball rolling for child benefit to be reinstated to you get? This is hugely important as you will need it to claim CMS and Tax Credits.

It is desperately sad that he loves money more than his DC...

He is giving me £75 a week for food shopping and £200 a month for other things - such as petrol, activities for the children, clothes etc. That makes it £50 a week for me and the three DC.
Disregarding this situation, how do those amounts seem, compared to an average spend for four people a month? It's obviously not about money, as he has access to a lot more just for his personal use, and for putting aside for his sports car among other things.
But just so I can have a view on that side of things. Obviously there are people who survive on a lot less probably but that's not the point. The fact is we are not on benefits and he has a good salary and we have a reasonable sized house and he can spend whatever he likes whenever he likes.

I don't normally post but felt I had to here - I am in a similar position with my H, financial control (although not to this extent) amongst other issues. You desperately need legal advice OP, please look into this today. I was advised not to make any concessions to H (specifically not changing my PT job for FT and getting a childminder, as this would be detriment to me - even though I am willing to do it to separate). My solicitor gave me lots of valuable information in an initial free half hour, and they will come to an arrangement regarding payment options when the matter proceeds. Apologies if I have missed something when reading through the thread, but please don't let the cost put you off seeing a solicitor. You have options.

That is exactly the point Mo. You answered your own question. You are actually brilliant.

He probably doesn't have think it's a jokr.

He deffo does think you'll cave first. That you, the silly little wan are wrong and he, the big strong man who's the only one who brings any real value to the unit, is God.

Prove him wrong.

The £75 is stingy - it's certainly means you have to be careful with what you spend on IMHO once you add in toiletries, cleaning products etc.

£200 is less than £50 per week...

Depends how much the regular activities for the DC cost and how much petrol you need to use...

Once of my dcs activities cost £55 per month!! I probably spend £100 per month on petrol and none of that is for me... all for them!

What about all the school things you end up paying for too - that's probably £5 per month!

Write down weekly what the dc do and what it costs, do they take pack lunches to school?

I think you need to a full list budget of what money you do actually spend tbh. if nothing else it will help you get ready for being independent of him.

What would 20% of his monthly salary be - ironically it may be more than what you currently get off him...

£75 for food for 5 people? Doesn't seem very much to me. I'm sure it's doable (as you have been) but stuff crops up doesn't it? Then you have nothing to use except your overdraft. Anyway, the amount isn't actually the most important thing, it's the absolute control over the amount (however much it is). for you Mo

To be honest Mo, I have a budget right now of around £500 a month, we are having a tight spot. Difference is, we discuss our finances, know what we each earn (right now I am the higher earner by a country mile) we decide together whether we can afford things. My budget has been higher and lower but it is agreed depending on our present circumstances. we only have to ask each other for money in the sense of "could you grab some milk" "sure, do you have any cash in your purse/wallet"
I actually hold the purse strings, my DH has no interest at all despite me trying to include him in the details, he just says "whatever you think best" but if either of us want or need shoes/clothes/magazines we have them - or at least discuss if it can wait until after payday if things are a bit tight. We are equal not boss and employee.