Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

Jux, he really does have an answer for everything, and an opposing one at that. In fact I've commented to him before that anytime I express a view on something, can be anything, from something banal to something in the news, and he will always always say something like well you could say this or that instead and if I say why can't you just agree with me and simply say yes you're right for a change, just ONCE?! And he always says but I always like to see the other side too, I like to see both sides to give a fair interpretation. Or some such.
Funny how he can never see my POV though isn't it.

Thank you Fusion. I haven't done it yet but thanks for your encouragement. Doubts are still there, in spades. But because he's not physically here and we haven't argued in the past few days, it's easy for me to take a softer approach sometimes. And then I remember all the humiliation, belittling, arrogance and control and I get angry again.

IMHO, if he doesn't respond, it is a waiting "game". He can say later he was waiting to discuss it with you calmly, or didn't have time to read it.
He may be making his own moves to see a solicitor & move & hide his assets.
Anyway, it's more manipulation, you can see that now & have decided to no longer comply.
When he comes home this needs discussing asap. he may continue to ignore it. So do nothing for him. no kiss hello, no dinner, no laundry, donjt unpack his bag, no going out on friends invite, no shared bed, & absolutely no sex.
"When you decide to show me the courtesy of discussing our failure of a relationship, let me know, I'm going out this evening, the kids are your responsibility", go & see a friends, go to the cinema, just GO
Meanwhile please borrow money for a solicitor

SisterC, it's good to be reminded of that. I always knew his attitude to finances was odd but somehow I went along with it. And now it's biting me on the bum, now that I actually rely on him.
A close friend of mine recently went through a terrible ordeal with her health, which meant she had to give up work while she was having treatment. Her husband took a sabbatical from work to look after her and give her all the care and help she needed. I keep thinking god forbid anything like that should happen to me, he'd never be there for me. He'd probably just tell me to pull myself together and send his mum round. So angry I didn't act much sooner and was too naive to read the signs.

Thinking of you Mo

Me too

Gosh Mo, just caught up. I can't believe he ignored your first email, what a bastard. His whole attitude is just so "I don't care what you think or how you feel". As long as he's got what he wants and looks like a great guy to everyone else.

Arse

No response to the second, stronger email. To say I'm livid is an understatement.

Time for an ultimatum. ...sorry. There's no other option.

Just dropping in to wish you the very best. You're not the weak person your husband likes to think you are. You're strong and intelligent and you will find your way.

No response. That IS his response. Of all the things he could choose. More passive-aggressive bullshit. X

he's ignoring it because he knows you have an utterly valid point and he can't bullshit his way out of it this time.

Hugs x

I doubt he'll respond.

The important thing is that you stay calm - important for YOU, not him. You intimated upthread you had to get the tone just right - that's called walking on eggshells. It doesn't matter how you get the information across, just that it gets across. He doesn't want to hear it, probably has no intention of hearing it (and he will probably know you want a response so he won't respond) so it makes no difference how it is said. The only difference is for YOU, so you feel satisfied you've said your piece.

I think I recognise a lot of your fear. I was so afraid of my ex - only bcs he'd done a job on me, not bcs he was something to be afraid of.. Have you looked into narcissism? He sounds like my narc ex.

Well done for sending that email - it takes a of of courage. Now look at it that you've said your piece and that's enough. What he thinks of it is immaterial xx

I remember a letter I sent. It was NEVER mentioned again ! frankly unbelievable.
But I can imagine your P with a smirk on his face, calculating that no reply will be hurting you & leaving you waiting.
Livid on your behalf.
Could you arrange to go to your parents/sibling/friends with the children for the time he comes home ? Just don't be there? He will surely start calling at some point.

Same as you Mix. I stood in front of him in tears saying 'Please please stop ignoring me, I can't stand it any more'. And he took a big gulp of wine without missing a second of whatever shite he was watching on tv. Left me standing there and didn't look at me or say a word.

& don't lose the plot, & don't throw the wine in his face,
if you do you will get called hysterical, & this will be used against you over child custody

Still no word from Mo? He knows what he is doing doesn't he? mix is right about keeping calm, so much easier said though, I would borrow some valium in your shoes to keep myself detached (joking, kind of) When is he due back?

My suspicion is he's not responded because he doesn't want to put anything in writing. He knows that if there's a verbal discussion he can always steamroller you OP but if he had to put his arguments in writing you'd be able to consider them not in the moment and you'd see they were mostly self-serving crap.

His response will be to come back and gaslight you verbally.

So he's replied. In my email, in a nutshell, I told him I'd had enough and if he doesn't start being more transparent about finances or give me full access to family money, he'll end up alone, paying child maintenance and only seeing the children once a week. I also mentioned my account was overdrawn, and the prepaid card was empty. I told him if he then goes ahead and buys that sports car, it will just be a symbol of his failure to put his family first.

So his reply to all that was a very business-like bullet pointed email. He said as I have a tendency to go overdrawn, twice this month he says, that is my account and therefore my responsibility. He says he believes the money he is providing is adequate. Any requests for anything over and above that need to be made with advance notice and full details for his consideration. These are the terms he used. He also said if I need any extra money, I should work one evening a week at a local restaurant, and that his parents would be happy to help with the childcare for that, and according to him, so would my parents whenever they visit (they don't live near). He is therefore refusing to provide any more money until the next payment is made next week.
I'll mention this now since it is relevant. Haven't wanted to give too many precise details for obvious reasons. He is actually working abroad for a period of about six months. He is due to come back for a couple of weeks during that period though. So in other words, I am alone with the DC for now.

And so that's it. Zero emotion, zero reaction to the fact that what I am threatening might just have to happen.

I am really really sorry that he has written this vile shit to you - how horrible. And on the other hand I am really pleasantly surprised that he has provided you with clear written evidence that he is fiancially abusive and does not intend to change. Will you take it to a solicitor and/or talk to police DV unit? It's criminal behaviour. Sorry Mo x

Solicitor
Divorce
Now

Do not even give that the dignity of a reply.

Good Christ.

Well this isnt a relationship. He thinks he's your employer.

I'm not easily shocked, but I'm bloody shocked now.

As he's away for a protracted period, are you sure there are no benefits you could claim for now? Try CAB for advice.

Phone WA.

How do you feel, Mo? Are you ok?

That's awful for you Mo. It looks like he doesn't believe you will carry out your threats and is calling your bluff. (I hope you can carry them out, for the sake of your DC at the very least). Time to get legal advice.