Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

I've written 2,000 words so far and it's still not finished. He's never going to read it or get to the punchline ending if I send it, is he?

I've got that same feeling I had when I was about to resign from a previous job - last minute doubts mixed with take that, you bastards! Am very jittery now. I've had no alcohol at all to keep as clear a head as possible. Not going to be ready to send tonight.

The thing is AngryMo is that whatever you say, he knows he's out of order. I don't think he cares what you think. He's going to have a reason for everything.

The important point is that you're done with it. That's really all he needs to know.

God no, I can hear him retaliating on every point. And I've said what I expect him to be thinking because I know exactly what he would say.

Maybe you need to say what you've decided in the first paragraph. That way you have his attention. Then explain why.

I just think someone like him will see a long email and not really take it in because he knows what to say.

I agree, have been struggling with the order of stuff. That way if he's that interested to know why, he can read the whole thing. If he's not interested...well there's my answer. You guys are so helpful, thank you.

I agree, he might read it but his version of life is totally different so I think he will dismiss it

Keep the long explanation for yourself. That's your justification to yourself for standing up for yourself. It isn't really for him. He's not interested. Besides he he is being a shit. He knows you don't like it. You've tried to discuss it a lot. You don't need to explain anything or justify yourself. Just give him a very brief situation report. State the facts. Wait for him to offer solutions.

"I can no longer tolerate your unreasonable behaviour with money. Ignoring my email was the last straw. I am strongly considering ending our relationship. If you are interesting in saving the relationship, I am willing to listen to your ideas for change.

AngryMo"

Rabbit, I like that too. Well not like exactly but it will hit the spot that way. You're right that he already knows what I'm unhappy about.

2000 words unfinished is realistically too much.

I like to work in A4 pages rather than word count. I would aim for ideally 1 side of A4 when formatted into paragraphs and a decent font size (12?). Two sides of A4 when printed the absolute maximum.

I agree with summarising the whole email within the first paragraph. I use the following for presenting any facts in written form:

• INTRO: Tell me what you are about to tell me
• MIDDLE: Tell me about it
• SUMMERY: Tell me what you have just told me

For your email I'd go for 1 paragraph intro, 3 or 4 paragraph middle (1 paragraph per main point), 1 paragraph summery.

When I am writing this kind of thing, I do exactly as you are doing - pour everything out into a massive, massive long document. Then save it as Draft1. All subsequent drafts will be called Draft2 and I over-save the newly edited version, but I always keep that initial outpouring of emotion and will refer to it when editing down.

I personally find the process of editing very therapeutic. It acts to focus the mind and really zone into the actual problems. Recognise the faff and unnecessary waffle and delete it. Often I can delete 2 paragraphs and replace with one sentence - really good for focusing in on what the actual issue is. It helps you to see the natural order of facts and focus on what really matters and what makes no difference or cannot be changed.

In fact I can often find value in doing all of this (massive outpouring of emotion, then editing it into a 1-sided A4 letter) and then never using the document again. Never sending it. Sometimes just deleting it. I am not suggesting you do this. But pointing out that the process of writing and then editing is very, very useful personally for you.

Ok I have my piece, short and concise, to the point with no emotional waffle or justification, factual but very angry because I'm not going to be sweet about this.
I'm scared to send it in case I've actually lost the plot and can't stick to my word. It doesn't matter that he's not even in the country, that I can't go out and get a job just like that because of two or three matters standing in my way, does it? Maybe I should wait to get proper legal advice. I don't know. Or I can do that anyway even if I send it.
If a mediator got involved how would that work if he's not even here. Mess mess mess.

He probably doesn't really care - given the way he behaves it doesn't seem like he cares about you, so he probably isn't going to take any communication seriously. It might be worth keeping it very short and just setting out what you want, rather than looking to him for change or explanations.

Sorry, that page hadn't refreshed so my previous post is out of context. I can't see why you couldn't look for a job, he doesn't have any say in that does he?

You can't see why OP can't get a job but she has explained that she cannot at the moment.

It is time to get legal advice Mo, whatever you decide about the letter.

Sorry, I had taken it as a question of whether her H had any say in whether she looked for a job or not, and so whether that should be deferred until his return.

Yes I've just reached that conclusion too, Kitty, it's a priority. I just sent my email but without reference to pursuing the legal side of things. Just waiting now.

I asked WA for recommendations of solicitors who were experienced in working with abuse. My first solicitor was a bit wet and though he said a few times 'your ex is a complete bastard' he didn't really get it. Find someone who's clued up.

I'm worried he will just ignore this last email too. I'll give him till the end of today to respond I suppose.
Bb888 - no he's not preventing me from working, but other circumstances are. And is he aware I can't just get a job.

He probably will ignore it Mo - he ignored the last one. Why does it worry you?

What you have written, AngryMo, will be a good reminder of why you are doing this, but don't send it to him, keep it close to your chest.

Send him something like Rabbit's, he knows knows knows what your problems are, and he has dismissed them already. You don't need to keep telling him.

Every time you tell him your problems, he argues against and wins. That's what he's interested in, winning. Whatever you say to him is another opportunity for him to win. You will always lose, so don't even enter the competition.

Sorry, page hadn't refreshed from last night

The email you sent sounds fine, actually, so ignore the first 2 paragraphs of my last post.

The last para is relevant.

AngryMo, for him this isn't about happiness - yours or his - it's about winning. Winning anything. You say it's red and he'll tell you it's scarlet. No difference to most people, but for him that means you are wrong and he is right and therefore he has won.

The less you tell him the less opportunity he has to tell you that you are wrong, the less opportunity there is for him to win. Don't engage, give indisputable facts and the barest minimum of information.

"That doesn't work for me."
"No."

You know the sort of thing.

Wishing you luck, Mo!

AM, most of us fall in love and have children (and sometimes give up work) without constantly calculating scenario outcomes. You didn't do anything millions of people do every day.
Most sahms (including myself) and their husbands that I know treat their money as family money. Your oh sounds absolutely vile. It will be a hard road but you will be so much happier at the end.

I have just sat and read this whole thread when I really need to be working! But I want to say how impressed I am that you have shown such strength and courage to do what you have done so far.

To slow, stop and change direction of the massive cycle of abuse that you were in is an almost impossible task but you have done it.

I'm sure the next step will be equally as difficult, but you can do it and you know you must do it now.

Good luck.