Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

I'd love to know what is going through his mind. I think he is just focusing on work and pushing all other thoughts of family completely out of the way. And I bet he is very good at that. But once he has to spend a couple of weekends on his own, looking for things to fill his time, I hope he notices the black hole he's in.

I would imagine he just thinks if he ignores it all for long enough that all the issues will disappear. Bury his head in the sand and just hopes that you give up pushing the issue and so things go back to normal.

Him ignoring your email is just passive-aggressive controlling behaviour. Don't let him start controlling you in this way as well.

That is actually a good way to start my email, Fat, that ignoring the issue will not make it go away. Maybe he doesn't actually realise that I feel liberated having this time apart, I'm not sitting here pathetic and weak like he maybe thinks I am.

Sorry, Fate, not Fat!

Oh, it seems my P has joined the discussion.

They weren't outraged though

I found this when I told of my past troubles. People didn't allow themselves to feel until I'd gone as their rage was secondary to making sure I was ok and how they could help. The raged in private.

Haha, that was an amusing contribution to the discussion: a man's money indeed!

Love your comment Mo. Is your H normally grammatically challenged?

Well I was going to say it's Le Mans, not a mans. Anyway unless he's bluffing, no, P has immaculate grammar. Actually even as a bluff it would pain him to even write a mistake.

Mo, don't buy the Lundy book - keep your money for more important things.

If you want to pm me an email address (a throwaway one is fine) I'll send you an electronic copy of it for free.

My dad was a bit like your partner. Mum was a SAHM. Nitpicking over every single purchase for the family. The wars that used to happen when we were kids over the bloody grocery receipt. The difference is though, money WAS tight, he always made sure we children all had everything we needed, in decent quality, and he rarely spent on himself -only ever barest essentials. It was more miserly than abusive IYKWIM.

Mum got a job when the youngest was old enough to come home and make a sandwich after school. Dad hated losing total control of the purse strings initially. But, she stuck to her guns and to this day, says it was the best thing she ever did. It was either that or leave him.

Do pm me an electronic way to send the book to you.

They weren't outraged though

Neither were my parents when I got their help getting me out of a brief controlling relationship after a physical assault.

But they were calm on the surface for me. They were furious underneath it all and wanted to kill the fucker. But they knew I was in a frail state at the time and knew I would not be able to cope with their anger and concern on top of what I needed to do to break free.

So glad you have started to tell people that's amazing. Are you going to still do his cooking and washing and cleaning when he's back?

Orrla, I've PMed you. Thanks so much for offering me that.

If we were broke, and I could see he was just trying to do the best for us like your dad, then what would I be complaining about? Being under financial stress does cause arguments and I'd understand. Although I'm not saying for a second it's right to treat your wife or partner like a child, or control them whatever the circumstances. If it were just a matter of tight finances, we might even think of a way to change things to increase our income. However just knowing P earns what he does and knowing what he plans to do with it (sports car being of his plans) makes it sickening. It means we mustn't mean enough to him to be his number one priority.

Now I've made it 'real' by telling people in RL does seem to have a snowball effect. It takes time to reach that point but now I've done it, I'm wondering why I was keeping things to myself for so long. But of course I was in denial and was making excuses for him. I see that now!

Good for you Mo, when we were in a bad way (not financial) and I was miserable I finally told everyone and I mean everyone, it really made a difference to my outlook and confidence, and, I made it clear to him that I would no longer keep quiet about his ways - that was the game changer, knowing that friends and family knew and disapproved.

Yay Mo!! You are flying!

Well done for telling your parents, and yeah, they're probably not surprised but nevertheless keeping a calm exterior as you're having to deal with the real thing. I will tell you, if you were my daughter, I would be weeping every night - but only if you couldn't see or hear me! And I would be so so so happy that you had told me, too, so don't use it as an excuse not to talk to them about it.

Now is a good time to ensure you have all documents and photocopies you need. Give them to your parents for safekeeping.

Have a lovely time while you're on your own. Can you order pizzas and have a duvet/film/pizza night? I used to give dd elderflower cordial as a special occasion drink, while I had a tot of whiskey!

Thanks for all your insights into my parents' reaction. It makes sense. I know they are behind me whatever happens and are in constant touch, so it doesn't matter that they aren't hopping mad threatening to give P a piece of their mind (not that I would want that!).
Unfortunately I've not been able to find a single document, apart from anything joint (mortgage). He must be keeping things extremely well hidden. I'm still looking out for post I can intercept though.
But yes I am enjoying this time alone, even if this is on my mind almost every minute of the day. Yesterday was the first time I put music on full blast while cooking the dinner and this morning had a lovely day out with the kids, actually felt a bit happy, dare I say it.
But then they go to bed and I sit on my own and the anger starts bubbling again, as things from the past rise to the surface, that I hadn't even thought about and I get all irate over them as I'm now seeing them in a different light.

anger is good, it means you are past the denial/discovery period.
write down all those resurfacing memories so you can have & list to read to prove to yourself & him that this is not OK

Write them down, those memories. It may be cathartic, but also a useful reminder should you find yourself falling back into the fog.

I'm in the middle of writing that email to him. I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet, if I'm going to send it or write it and review it tomorrow or keep it as a draft. But I'm writing to him at least, and that's a new level, a new phase of all this.

If I am happy with the wording and the content, I will just send it. I've reached the point where there is no contest: say nothing and be unhappy and stay in a controlling relationship forever or make a genuine threat. If the words solicitor, separation agreement and child maintenance make him jump, then maybe we can work on things. If it doesn't, I'm doing the right thing. So either way, now I can see it has to happen and will happen, it's just when, which lies with me. Bloody hard slog getting to that point though.

I was feeling fine and calm this morning, and then was out with the kids and something triggered my anger and suddenly within minutes I was a wreck, pacing like a madwoman in tears and texting my friend, my one friend who has been through a near-divorce, and the only one I know in RL who speaks from experience.

It is a long slog to get to that point - my letter ended with something "I no longer give a damn what you think or how you feel" very cathartic after years of hell. maybe I am different to some - we have come back from it, point is I was very willing to walk. Good luck Mo, truly I wish you well.

The saddest part of all of this is, even if my ultimatum works and forces him to think, I think he is so proud and so hellbent in projecting a fake and shiny image to those around him, he'd try to make amends not for me, but so not to shatter his image. That's what I'm more worried about. I can't imagine at this point having a genuine and loving relationship with this man again. That would be very hard to achieve.

Put that in your email too then, is there anything left to lose now?

I hadn't considered including that. But you're right. Nothing to lose!

I agree that sending an email is better than a face to face confrontation if he usually manages to twist his angle into your words. However after keeping quiet all this time, I think I would wait for his return & see what he does/says.
There has got to be a point where he will attempt to talk to you, you can detach & do NOTHING for him & wait until HE has to confront YOU ?
It would be good to have the boot on the other foot ! anyway it's just a thought
You can keep your drafted letter up your sleeve.
(please remember you must change your passwords.)