Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

If you have a disability that prevents you from working is there some sort of public benefit you would receive as income if you were not living with him?

What ages are your three children?

Just going back to the child benefit, you said there would be no point in claiming as he would be paying it all back with tax. Yes, he would, but if you claim in your name, it would be cash into your bank account. Working out the figures, it seems 3 children, times 52 weeks, divided by 12 payments would get you around £208 per month. Not sure what he's giving at the moment as to whether that would help, or if you'd be worse off if he stopped what he was giving?

also the child benefit, if I am correct, but may not be, counts towards your pension when your children are young.
If a child has a disability then you can claim DLA, which will also increase your child tax and working tax payments, and give you an added allowance if you need to claim council tax credit. IF they qualify for DLA then you need to apply for Carers allowance because that will also provide credits for your pension. If you are not contributing, one way or another, towards your state pension you will be absolutely screwed on retirement because you need to have plenty of years NI contributions in your name to qualify for it. So its very important that you get the child benefit put into your name

you only get credits if you are recieving the child benefit

Good point Nettle; OP you really need to be thinking about your own long-term savings & retirement security as well as present living expenses.

Thank you for all the practical advice, Nettle. At the moment I'm still dealing with the emotional side and being tied up with arguments, silences and the anxiety of awaiting his next move. I'll get to the other part when I'm in a clearer state of mind.

He still hasn't responded to my email asking him some very black and white questions about our finances and where I've asked him to increase money for non grocery spending. I sent it 3 or 4 days ago. He's still away and I am resisting the temptation to beg for a reply. But I can't sit here in silence either. He's making me deliberately suffer by not responding. I can't imagine why he would want me to suffer on purpose.

Either because he likes have the power over you

He doesn't like that you are asking questions he should answer and he doesn't know how to respond so is ignoring

He doesn't like the you are challenging his position of alpha male

He likes making you suffer

A subconscious mixture of all of the above I suspect.

The only "normal" is for both of you to have equal access to and say in, the family spending.
The fact that you are asking this question shows that you have been conditioned over the years.

I feel queasy and like I have constant jitters. I literally don't know how to react to this, other than anger. I can't get through to him and every scenario I rehearse in my head ends can only end up in arguing. I know I'm constantly repeating the same thing and maybe some of you are screaming well bloody do something about it then!
I know him keeping silent is yet another form of control. It's like a game, who is going to crack first. He knows I am more likely to be the one to crack because I'm the 'dependent' one after all.

But you're not really dependent on him. Check out the financial position as suggested upthread. You will probably be surprised by how much money you would have once you're separated from him.

So he doesn't even call to say Hello to the kids.? please take note of all of this because it will be useful when he is fighting about child access
Can you ask your parents for a loan for a solicitor?
I hope you are using this time to go thru the paperwork in the loft?
& drinking his best bottle of cru classé

I would be using this time to look for bank statements, savings etc. to see exactly what kind of financial situation he is in. Make copies of them too.

He doesn't want to share anything with you at all does he... even wine!! How pathetic is that!!

But what he doesnt know Mo is that you're not isolated & you're not alone.

You have an entire MN army backing you. So please let that give you strength. And whenever you feel like you're slipping into vunerability, post here.

Your homework for today: DON'T CRACK! You can play this power game as well as him.

Every hour you dont crack and send him an email pleading for him to answer is an Hour of Power.

Tomorrow we'll see how the land lies. It may be the same, but if so, thats tomorrow. Today? Dont send anything.

^^ This

Annarose is right Mo, you're not alone. I hope you've polished off that bottle of his wine

Make the most of this time Mo, practically and emotionally. Don't waste it on wondering how he can do this to you

I feel for you. I hope you can find a way to get through this - he has you on a hook, he's conditioned you to be on his hook, which is why you feel so jittery. It's like he's your parent - actually, your jailer - and what he's doing now is playing into something primal in you: survival. He convinced you he has power over your survival bcs he holds all the money. By sending that email you struck at the root of his control base - which is why you're getting a full display from him (control) and you (desperation, fear).

Anyway, it's all smoke and mirrors - he's set up this little kingdom, a little cult with him the cult leader and you the proselyte. It's all rubbish. Have I mentioned the Freedom Programme? Please do it, as soon as like, today . It looks into the methods controllers use - eg the Jailer, the Headworker, the King of the Castle. That's a few off the top of my head. The person who wrote the course is a woman called Pat Craven and there's a booklet that goes with the course called Living with the Dominator. Try and get hold of a copy while you're waiting to start the course .

His wine is long gone
I haven't cracked
Thank you for the continued words of encouragement, I was worried I was becoming tiresome with my but I'm not sure what to do routine despite the oodles of advice and support offered here.
I have been out with a friend and spilled all the beans (hadn't planned to but the timing was right) and didn't even shed a single tear. I feel detached and a teensy bit empowered at the same time, it's made it real but thank god no one is looking at me like I have three heads and telling me I've made it all up in my head.
A bit of relief feels good! I have a good friend. I have good friends. Thank god for them at times like this. Thank you MN. I would have cracked without you...

Well done!

Keep on with the paperwork, OK?

Just re-release your op and you ask ' why does he do that? ' and, as chance would have it, a seminal book has been written with that title by the wonderful Lindy Bancroft. Can't link here but do get it - somehow. Library if you can't order it workout him knowing. It will open your EYES.

Lundy Bancroft

Re-read ffs!

Here it is

Well done on not cracking! See, you're a strong woman. Celebrate that achievement - maybe by inviting a few friends round and drinking more of his that lovely wine. Marital assets, you know. It's yours as much as his.

Make today another non-cracking day. The spell he wove around you is like smoke, and is dissipating.

Good, your friend will be there to reassure you that you are not asking for anything other than common respect & partnership. (like SHARING)
I am guessing your STBX will be home for the w/e.
I suggest you take a deep breath before replying or speaking to him, look at him with detachment, try not to get emotional. speak slowly & clearly, & remember he will turn everything around.
perhaps you should prepare some statements?
That you are certain this is not working for you. It was mutually agreed that you would undertake the care of children but not become his unpaid maid. You are his equal, he provides one side, none of which would be happening if you didn't provide the other.
He should try it unaided for a week. if he thinks you provide "nothing"
There will be no sports car while you are living with no freedom to even go for a coffee, or out with the girls.
You do not belong to him, apparently while he loves to show off he hasn't been man enough to marry you
This is not a family UNIT implying "united", this is HIM & 4 lower cast subservients.
Its not because his father was a miserable controlling bastard that he need to re enact his behaviour.

Also, he knows something is up, so he may be back to being pleasant, bring you a gift, show remorse, as you said, he did the last time when you said you'd had enough.
This is part of the documented, & TYPICAL, cycle of abuse. when they know they have gone too far, they real you back in, with pleasantness, & promises, gifts, holidays.... Don't fall for it. Because as soon as the waves settle it will be back to square one.