Totally ruined my Christmas

[Clarkey2345]

Well as always he ruined my Christmas i spent half hour with our children on christmas morning and didn't get to see my children open there presents because he wasent ready to go and see them after seeing our children we went to his parents house to have Christmas dinner and was there over an hour, then after dinner we went home and he spent the rest of rob night sleeping as usual when i could have been down with my kids watching them playing with there toys and having fun he also said i am ungrateful because he bought me a very expensive phone for Christmas and all i spent was £20 on him for presents.
He also keeps on at me all the time for sex and when i said no he gets angry and says pack your things are f**k off down your mothers house, yet if i tried to leave he would stop me so why tell me to leave in the first place????

Keep going Clarky x

I hope you are safe and well clarkey

That is great news Clarkey.

Threats are threats, nothing more. And if someone were to contemplate going ahead with them, there is more chance he'd hurt you IN a relationship than OUT of one.

So take that chance. And hope for the best.
Don't allow this pathetic excuse for a human being put fear in you.
It's okay to have fear. But bastards like himself. They feed off it!

There a people throughout this whole world that will help. Even if you feel alone.

Good Luck hun!
Trust me. You have made the right decision.
Your happiness, stems from YOU and YOUR ACTIONS.

XXXXXXX

You've got further than you ever have before. That's good.

I hope you carry on forwards, but if you don't, try and take heart that each time you try to break free, you're going a little bit more in the right direction each time.

OP this will help you
A new offence 'Coercive Control which comes into force today carries a maximum sentence of 5 years, a fine or both.

Coercion in the eyes of the law is where a person is purposefully domineering towards a partner or their children. The new offence acknowledges what abuse victims have been telling us for decades; that having their independence and other basic rights and liberties controlled is a form of domestic abuse.

This new legislation is significant as it criminalises many other forms of domestic abuse, which have been historically difficult to evidence.

Coercive control could look like:

-Unreasonable and non-negotiable demands
-Stalking – surveillance and unwanted contact
-Cruelty
-Destroying the partners other relationships and isolating her/him from friends, family members, co-workers and others
-Restricting daily activities
-Combination of demands, threats of negative consequences
-Manipulation through minimization, denial, lies, promises, etc
-Threats and intimidation
-Excuses, rationalisations and blame.
-Stifling the partner’s independence
-Controlling partner’s access to information and services
-Financial control and exploitation
-Demanding obedience
-Treating their partner and children as objects
-Extreme jealousy, possessiveness and ridiculous accusations of cheating
-Punishing the partner and children for breaking one of their rules
-Ignoring their partner’s needs, opinions and feelings, and the harm that their behaviour does to her/him

If anyone would like further details on domestic abuse, please contact any of the following in confidence; Humberside Police on 101, East Riding Domestic Violence Abuse Project on 01482 396330, Hull Domestic Abuse Project 01482 318759, or Its My Right Project for North & North East Linc 0800 1974787. Alternately speak to your GP or your local Social Services.

Why are people talking as if op has left? She arranged an appointment today, that's all we know.

Is there any news I wonder?

Why would any genuine (normal) person feel the need to make excuses and act in such an evasive manner to a bunch of posters trying to advise them on a path forward?

Why do you ask for normal from someone who has lived for seven years in a totally abnormal situation, John?

Read Fan's post again.

Regardless of what OP does-

Any repercussion that occurs from here on in, is solely due to actions and choices made.

I feel pity for those in these circumstances, but not enough to continuously talk her into leaving.
We only need to tell her to leave ONCE. If she does not listen. Then why try again?

I have watched TOO MANY friends go through abuse , after abuse, after abuse.
I have friends who have died in the side of a gutter, friends who have been beaten to death, friends who have been stabbed to death. Friends that DIDN'T LISTEN !
**
Excuse after excuse after excuse. Nothing more and nothing left. It is a shame. A real shame! I can not feel the empathy much more. As I did all I could for those people. And look how it ended.

Think long and hard about this OP. Don't be just another statistic of domestic violence.
But what you choose is your choice.
The options and help is there. Learn from past mistakes etc: and move forward!

This is all we can do. But STOP making excuses.

Excuse the bold letters. I don't know how that happened.

Let's just leave it now, guys.

Continuing to push for answers and action is futile, for whatever reason.

If op is genuinely looking for RL help it will take time. If she isn't, then no amount of well intentioned MN intervention will help. I believe op's situation is way beyond the scope of MN, tbh.

I agree with AnyFucker. I am imagining Clarkey in a refuge, her dog being fostered. They are both safe and well. She will come back sometime and either tell us how her life has moved on, or she will ask us for help again.

We will give that help. That's the point of us being here.

I'm glad that the people close to me didn't give up supporting me time after time

I think Mn would have been very frustrated with me not acting quickly enough. And whilst I wish I had ended things sooner, I had to be able to cope with my decisions

Sometimes you need to keep building the plan in your head until the point you put it into action, and by then the plan is viable

I agree with AF, also. If Clarkey wasn't able to muster the courage to leave this time, when needs help she will ask again. And again. Until she actually gets the courage to leave. It can take years and she's entitled to do this in her own time. Criticizing or 'tough loving' her isn't going to work.

Clarkey, I wish you well. If you come back to this thread, feel free to PM me to let me know and I'll come back and read your updates. Until then, I think I'll bow out.

Hmm, just thought, but maybe no coincidence that the new Coercive Control legislation comes into force today, and today is the day Clarkey goes to see Women's Aid. So possibly timing it so that there can be really effective action against her abuser.

I continue to think that consistent support is better than troll hunting, brow beating or frustrated threats of abandonment for not being sufficiently self-determined.

Can I just ask if anyone would take a rescue kitten/puppy home then shout at it if it cowered in a corner or hid under the sofa. And think that would work?

The new legislation that came into force in England and Wales yesterday is not retrospective and it cannot be used in respect of any coercive control offences that may have been committed against the OP by her h prior to 29 December 2015.

As the OP's dc are safe from harm, I see no compelling reason why she should be urged to take action before she's ready to do so.

Hope you are safe now Clarky

Also agree with AF, I think when someone has almost normalised havingttheir children removed from their care then it's beyond the help of MN.

Professional help is out there when she wants to engage with it - ie police/SS/WA. And MN can support then, alongside. But not instead of.

Agreed too.

I also think this thread epitomises the very worst of MN in terms of the hectoring, badgering, questioning and impatience that can be in evidence here. Who TF do these posters think they are to expect a nicely wound up conclusion after they've banged their gavels? If your trolldar is going off, report and walk away. If there's the slightest possibility there's a real person out there in this situation do those people think they've helped her? A few of you on this thread should be bloody ashamed of your arrogance and sheer ignorance.

Clarkey, I hope you're safe and well somewhere right now - if not, don't be put off coming back. Start as many threads as you like until you have the strength to get up and leave. It's your perogative and you don't owe the posters here anything.

Clarkey has said that there were other reasons for the children being removed. It's highly likely that she has significant mental health issues, or addiction problems, or possibly a learning disability. Just bear that in mind when discussing how you expect her to behave.
Also, the talk of her getting her children back as a motivator to leave him- she will know better than us whether that is a realistic possibility or not, and if she is aware that it's not, it's hardly fair to berate her for staying for that reason.

Well said wonky.

The op would have been given support and many opportunities to leave this man/put right what the issues were before having her children removed from her care. She couldn't do it then and she hasn't been able to do it for the last four years. She is not going to suddenly leave, reclaim her children and live happily ever after.

Clarkey, I shall be thinking of you. Small steps lead to great things.

Take care Clarkey. Get in touch whenever you need to.