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Original poster

FIL kicked my DS (2) - advice please

157 replies

ChristmasAdvice · 28/12/2015 10:37

Hi

This is my first time posting but I would really appreciate some perspective please.

On Christmas Eve my FIL kicked my DS (age 2) and my DH and I are really struggling to come to terms with it.

I was not there but my DS had kicked my FIL. My DH had told him not to kick and he ran off, then headed back to do the same again. My DH stepped between DS and FIL to prevent it happening again. FIL said no it's ok I've got this- he let my DS kick him and then FIL kicked him on the shin. It was hard enough that he cried hard and the bruise is still there.

I went round and told my FIL that it was not acceptable but he was angry with me for going round rather than sorry for what he had done.

We have not seen them since. Any discussions on the phone have basically indicated that they think we are over reacting.

Any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
mudandmayhem01 · 28/12/2015 12:54

The yelping, saying ouch loudly works well with nippy puppies, so should work with children!

gotthemoononastick · 28/12/2015 12:56

OP,what is the condition of the man's shin?If a child with a leather shoe kicked my now very thin skinned shins I wold have to have medical attention.

How do you know that he has only done this on this occaision?

He should have left it to your DH ,though.

You were out of control going to his home and causing a fracas.

Inertia · 28/12/2015 13:04

Being violent to a toddler who doesn't respond to being told no isn't the answer either. Some on this thread have apparently cured their own child of biting / hitting by responding in kind. On the other hand, I've come across many children and teenagers whose parents responded to poor childhood behaviour with violence - the children grew up to bully others and respond violently to others, particularly children who were smaller or younger.

A 2 year old can learn that others are hurt from their responses - they don't need to feel the same degree of violence to understand. The FIL could have shown the child that he was upset after the first kick, could have shown the mark left and how it hurt, could have shown the child that he was sad so that the child could begin to learn about being sorry and trying to make the situation better. Instead the lesson appeared to be that the answer is violent revenge.

Inertia · 28/12/2015 13:05

Cross post with Prime there. Need to type faster!

TheHouseOnTheLane · 28/12/2015 13:05

Was she bollocks Moon! She was very restrained. Two is practically a BABY!

he has NO right to kick a toddler.

Who gives a shit about the condition of the man's shin? I wouldn't.

mudandmayhem01 · 28/12/2015 13:05

The condition of the mans shin has nothing to do with it. It is sad that someone has got hurt, but even if the 2 year old had broken the mans leg ( unlikely!) it still doesn't justify a premeditated kick to a small child, two wrongs don't make a right.

Bubblesinthesummer · 28/12/2015 13:10

If a child with a leather shoe kicked my now very thin skinned shins I wold have to have medical attention.

In all probability it would break mine.

It doesn't excuse FIL behaviour however.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 28/12/2015 13:13

If you have thin skin and don't want to cause trouble - don't set the situation up so the toddler kicks you again

Frankly if you know you have thin skin and do what the FIL did then develop problems, you went out of your way to ask for trouble.

Inertia · 28/12/2015 13:24

Gotthemoon, if the first kick caused you an injury then presumably you'd allow the child's father to deal with it, rather than actively engineering a situation where the child kicked you again so you'd have an excuse to kick a 2 year old?

sinber · 28/12/2015 13:25

This is not a generational thing, kicking children has never been acceptable, ever, even when smacking was considered normal.

elfycat · 28/12/2015 13:28

I'd suggest that the state of his shins cannot be that bad considering he chose to let the 2 year old kick him a second time.

He's 60ish. My parents are 60ish and are still quite robust. We could assume the FIL was not concerned with the state of his legs so much as with his ability to prove a point to a 2 year old (and possibly score parenting points over his own son, who BTW was stepping in.)

Isetan · 28/12/2015 13:30

Your FIL is probably an old school disciplinarian which isn't an excuse but could be an explanation for his behaviour.

I'm confused as to your DH role in all this, why didn't he discipline his son for kicking in the first place and why did he let FIL encourage his son to repeat the act. I would have definitely had words with FIL but what did your DH say to his father and why would you feel guilty about a situation that he should have handled himself.

There's obviously a massive back story here and this incident may or may not be, part of a pattern of behaviour which makes having a closer relationship with your H's family more difficult.

Take some time and talk to your H but remember whatever your H's family's dysfunction it isn't your responsibility.

P1nkP0ppy · 28/12/2015 13:37

I'd be utterly appalled if my DH kicked our DGS in response to being kicked himself.
As for setting the two year old up to do it again so he could kick him back - that's sick, really, really sick IMO.

If FIL had been kicked in the stomach I assume he'd have done the same to DC? The more I think about this the sicker it makes me feel. That man's an abusive bastard IMO. What would happen if DC was badly hurt sometime by this man's retaliation?

Viviennemary · 28/12/2015 14:37

My Dad was old fashioned but would never ever have kicked a child. He would have certainly thought our parenting wasn't up to scratch I would be mortified if my child kicked an adult. This seems to have gone entirely over the OP's head. It's two separate issues. IMHO. If your child isn't taught right from wrong he will never learn. I

MrsDeVere · 28/12/2015 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inlawsareasses · 28/12/2015 17:47

It used to be acceptable to hit your wife, does this mean he can hit his wife because he is 'old school'! The police would take it seriously I speak as a sw who works very closely with the police
What he did was premeditated, at 2 he could have distracted him instead of kicking him.

moonbells · 28/12/2015 19:15

I went to my mandatory training the other week on child protection. It is against the law for anyone other than a child's legal parents/guardians to physically chastise them. It is against the law for the child's parent to physically chastise them and leave visible marks. It is also against the law for anyone to hit a child around the head. Anyone witnessing such things in my line of work would be required to report this to a social worker or the police.

What happened here was wrong. And reportable.

Alicewasinwonderland · 28/12/2015 19:31

It is also against the law for anyone to hit a child around the head.

Does it really mean that a parent cannot slap a child? (I did not say PUNCH!)

Original poster
ChristmasAdvice · 28/12/2015 19:41

Thank you again for all the replies. I've just re-read the whole thread. I'm now going to try and stop focussing on it so much for the moment as it's making me ill.

We will continue avoid PIL for the moment to give us all some space. I feel that no outcome is a good one though. We'll just need to find the best outcome for our children and us.

OP posts:
annandale · 28/12/2015 19:59

'It is against the law for the child's parent to physically chastise them and leave visible marks.'
Alice - a child can legally be hit by a parent if the blow is not enough to leave a visible mark.

Alicewasinwonderland · 28/12/2015 20:01

annandale

thank you, I was just wondering what that sentence meant precisely.

Whatdoidohelp · 28/12/2015 20:04

FIL didn't kick as a knee jerk reaction. He said to let the child kick him then he deliberately kicked the child so hard he cried and was bruised. Absolutely not ok

mudandmayhem01 · 28/12/2015 20:10

I think it is also illegal for anyone but the childs parent to physically chastise a child.

Imfinehowareyou · 28/12/2015 20:23

That would be it for me. I would go to the police - it is a crime to hit a child so hard it leaves a mark. And FIL would never see my child again. I'm bloody astounded at the responses on this thread. If a preschool worker did this would you condone it? Or a stranger in a coffee shop? And the different generation nonsense is exactly that. Has FIL been locked in a box for the last 20 years? NO. So he is aware of how society has changed.

nooka · 28/12/2015 20:38

Given the previously difficult relationships and the responses to the incident I'd not see the FIL for a very very long time, or at least I'd make sure that none of my children saw him. To me the FILs actions are the actions of an abusive bully. To set up a two year old in order to provide a justification to hurt him is just really nasty behaviour.

The well 'he's old school' excuse is a really poor one. This is a 60 year old who is presumably aware that corporate punishment is no more and that child abuse is now taken seriously, but he still apparently thinks that the appropriate way to treat children is to bully and hurt them.

Sure a kicking toddler is annoying. They need removing and being told to stop in no uncertain terms. Which is what his dad was in the process of doing.

Before his father decided it would be a lot more satisfying to kick the little boy really hard instead. That's far from a normal reaction and I'd be extremely concerned that he was highly likely to do it again.

There are excuses for toddlers being violent. No excuses for adults.