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Original poster

FIL kicked my DS (2) - advice please

157 replies

ChristmasAdvice · 28/12/2015 10:37

Hi

This is my first time posting but I would really appreciate some perspective please.

On Christmas Eve my FIL kicked my DS (age 2) and my DH and I are really struggling to come to terms with it.

I was not there but my DS had kicked my FIL. My DH had told him not to kick and he ran off, then headed back to do the same again. My DH stepped between DS and FIL to prevent it happening again. FIL said no it's ok I've got this- he let my DS kick him and then FIL kicked him on the shin. It was hard enough that he cried hard and the bruise is still there.

I went round and told my FIL that it was not acceptable but he was angry with me for going round rather than sorry for what he had done.

We have not seen them since. Any discussions on the phone have basically indicated that they think we are over reacting.

Any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 28/12/2015 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 28/12/2015 11:14

I can't understand why you are prevaricating about this. Do not doubt yourself, your FIL is absolutely in the wrong -kicking a toddler hard enough to leave a bruise is assault, and he is lucky you've taken it no further.

Of course you deal with a child kicking, but that's not the way - even if you leave the assault part aside, what the hell does that teach a 2yo? That the biggest person who can kick hardest is always in the right? That just shows him that physical violence and bullying are the most effective ways to deal with things. Your FIL is an adult ffs, if the only way he can manage a toddler's behaviour is to kick him then he is too stupid to even be around children.

I would be staying away and keeping my child away, and would make it very clear why.

shopaholic999 · 28/12/2015 11:15

IMO the way to show a child violence is not tolerated is not by being violent back! Confusing much? But I think it is down to parenting choices with regards to this..for instance..the biting scenario! It is not for your fil to teach your child discipline while you or dh are there, especially to leave a bruise on the poor child!

Adults have a lot on their plates in general, doesn't give them the right to go round kicking 2 year olds on the shins to teach them a lesson! I would not tolerate this at all.

Finola1step · 28/12/2015 11:15

What your FIL did was wrong. But I agree that he did it as it was his way of teaching his gs a lesson. A shit lesson but a lesson rather than deliberately trying to hurt your ds.

My Dad grew up during the war and wouldn't have done anything like this but he was a very gentle person. I have uncles who are now late 50s, early 60s. Quite rough and ready fellas. I definitely can imagine them doing something like this. But only to a gs, not a gd because in their world, a boy has got to toughen up a bit.

So for me, the next step would be that my DH would need to go and talk to his Dad. Calmly talk over why it happened and make it clear that you both won't tolerate such behaviour. Your dh was trying to intervene when his ds was kicking his own dad. You dh needs to make it clear that his dad should not have undermined him.

You both need to talk to ds about the kicking. 2 year old or not, repeatedly kicking someone on purpose is unacceptable.

OldFarticus · 28/12/2015 11:17

Maybe it is old-school to use this kind of demonstration, but since we're talking about the old-school where men were allowed to punch the crap out of their wives IMO this 'excuse' must be used with extreme caution.

Very true. And wives could not even be raped by their husbands until (IIRC) 1990 so let's not clamour for the halcyon days when certain types of domestic violence were A-okay!

That said, I do think there was a wider spectrum of "acceptable" behaviour towards naughty kids back in the day.... if FIL does it again, having been told, then you know that he is a violent abusive twat. TBH I would probably let it go this once but supervise closely and then if he disciplined inappropriately again, he would be out on his ear.

WizardOfToss · 28/12/2015 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathtimeFunkster · 28/12/2015 11:18

My DH regrets not stopping the second kick but did not think for a minute that this is how FIL would deal with it.

Of course he didn't.

But he did leave it to his Dad to deal with it. And his Dad picked a way that he didn't like.

I wouldn't like it either.

But I think having let FIL deal with it, it's a bit shit to show up calling him a bully.

He made a grandparenting choice. He was trying to teach his grandson something the kid badly needs to learn.

He did it wrong. But it is not fair to accuse him of being an evil monster who kicked your son for the LOLs.

GabiSolis · 28/12/2015 11:20

I'm back and forth on this.

What FIL did was clearly unacceptable but you need to separate the action from the intent. Did he intend to hurt your DS or did he intend to stop him from kicking again? To be clear, he was absolutely no doubt wrong in what he did and certainly needs to accept this and apologise but before condemning him to never seeing your DS again.

I wouldn't allow DS to be alone with him again.

GabiSolis · 28/12/2015 11:20

Also agree that calling the police is completely ridiculous. Please ignore that bizarre overreaction.

Quornmakesmefart · 28/12/2015 11:21

Forget the excuse of 'in his day it was acceptable'. So was drink driving, homophobia and racism but any decent person would be more enlightened now.

This man is a bully and IMO won't listen to reason. Save yourself months of arguments and tell him he can get in touch when he's ready to apologise and show you he can be trusted not to be violent.

I predict you'll have a long wait Sad

DistanceCall · 28/12/2015 11:21

It's one thing to kick back in a jokey way or in a slightly forceful (but basically painless) way to show children that you shouldn't do to other people what you wouldn't want them to do to you.

Kicking A TWO-YEAR-OLD so hard that it leaves a bruise is another matter entirely. I would keep my child away from this man, at the very least until her apologised.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 11:23

Calling the police is bloody ridiculous. The police will think it ridiculous

They would have no choice but to follow the correct procudure because it is a crime.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/12/2015 11:23

He could be prosecuted for leaving a bruise.

It's very serious.

At very least he should be totally apologising

Luxyelectro · 28/12/2015 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChristmasAdvice · 28/12/2015 11:25

I'm struggling to keep up with all the replies but I can assure you that we are working on my DS behaviour. We have a DS (5) who was exactly the same at that age (in fact a lot worse) and he is well behaved now.

OP posts:
Quornmakesmefart · 28/12/2015 11:25

And btw yes your H should have stepped in sooner, but personally I would let that bit lie. With parents like that he may well struggle with asserting himself around them and that's not his fault.

How you deal with a two year old kicking is another matter, but he's only two and two year olds can be little monsters...

Viviennemary · 28/12/2015 11:26

I wouldn't appreciate being kicked by a two year old. But wouldn't dream of kicking back. So of course your FIL was massively in the wrong. A separate issue is your child's bad behaviour. He was told not to kick and yet ran back and did it again. You need to re-think your rather ineffective discipline methods. That would be my advice.

Dipankrispaneven · 28/12/2015 11:28

Shins bruise easily. How are FIL's shins? Elderly people can get really nasty bruises on their shins that take ages to heal.

Where do we get "elderly" from? This man may well be under 50.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/12/2015 11:28

He's not much more than a baby.

Kicking and bruising his shin is disgusting.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/12/2015 11:29

He was told not to kick and yet ran back and did it again

That's what 2 year olds do. .push boundaries

Viviennemary · 28/12/2015 11:31

I wish people would stop saying agressive behaviour and kicking adults is normal behaviour for two year olds. It is naughty and should be stopped.

HPsauciness · 28/12/2015 11:32

I have smacked my dd after three months of saying 'no smacking', removal, ignoring didn't work and we were all getting smacked on a daily basis. She thought it was a fun game. It bloody hurt being smacked in the face by her one time and I told her that hitting hurts the other person a lot and if she hit me again, I would hit her back so she would see how much it hurt. She did, so I did, and so three months of daily hitting on her part came to an abrupt end.

Not my finest parenting hour, but effective for her, she didn't seem to understand that hitting wasn't a game and actually hurt others. Not sure it's the right thing to do, in fact, I know it is not, but was at the end of my tether with being walloped by a quite strong 2 year old who knocked my glasses off my face, hurting me, and then laughed. Something had to give.

This is nothing to do with what your FIL did though. He was completely and utterly out of order. He was NOT the parent in the situation, and as such, not in charge! Your husband was there, it wasn't like he was parenting alone and did the wrong thing (which was not his decision to make anyway).

It is not up to your FIL to dish out his own brand of discipline. I would say to him - never ever again must he lift a hand to your child EVER. Don't wait for an apology, don't discuss it further, decide on your bottom line, and then tell it to him and supervise any further visits.

TheScottishPlay · 28/12/2015 11:36

Something similar happened with DH's sister towards DS at fil's house. They played it down despite DS obvious distress.
Eight years on DH's sister and I pass each other on the street. We hardly know her children and my relations with fils are chilly to say the least.
These moments shatter families but they can't be forgiven and forgotten.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/12/2015 11:36

What kind of father was he to your dh? If he was aggressive or violent l would have no contact but if he was loving l would give him another chance. All that stuff went on years ago but no way on earth would l lay one finger on my grandchild and neither would my parents 20 years ago. It's up to parents to parent and not the grandparents role. He needs to see that. Toddlers can do mad things but all they need is a firm no and they grow out of it. He is probably too proud to say he made a mistake but if all his family are backing him are you're kids annoying them all with bad behaviour? I would not back my dh if he did that.
.

magoria · 28/12/2015 11:37

I agree with Calzone and the later posters, this was/is how some people tried to teach their children things hurt.

It is not acceptable though.

However, you have an older DS who was the same if not worse, your DP did not expect this to happen which suggests this has never happened and FIL has not done this kind of thing to any of your DC before.

I would explain that you are not happy and that you never expect it to happen again and that you or your DP stop your DS getting in for other attempts first.

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