DP just punched me - what should i do?

[zogzag]

DP has a drink problem, although he won't admit it. He drinks every day, probably about 10 units. If I can get him to stop drinking it is only for a matter of a few days then he starts again.

Every so often, he gets really unpleasant and sometimes violent. He is probably violent about 2 or 3 times a year although the worst it has ever been before now is that he has slapped me once and pushed me once when I was pregnant hard enough to floor me.

I am not pregnant any more (I had the baby, was fine after he pushed me) and today he was moody again. We had a bit of an argument about what to watch on tv - a stupid argument that wasn't about anything serious and shouldn't make someone angry enough to get violent. Anyway, it started with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me out the way. I pushed back and then after he hit me with open hand I hit him back - I don't want to be some meek battered wife who lets her arsehole partner hit her and plays victim. So then he said 'go on then, hit me again', a couple of times, quite aggressively. So I punched him. And he punched me back, hard. I have a lump on the side of my face where he punched me and somehow, bleeding scratches on my hand. He has no marks on him (I guess I didn't hit him as hard as he hit me).

He claims he never hit me apart from the punch after I hit him unprovoked. This is absolutely not true - I have never hit him, ever, without being hit first. The worst I have ever done is push him away when he has been looming over me, shouting in my face. He says he doesn't feel safe around me and that I am not safe to look after our children (i am a sahm). I am aware he is gaslighting me.

I know this makes him sound awful. It doesn't happen often and we have 3 small children. Our relationship is generally good and I would say that apart from these episodes he is respectful of me. I think the violence is probably connected to the alcohol but he won't stop drinking. Please help - I don't know what to do. If this were happening to someone else I would say definitely ltb but it is not someone else... In the past have made our relationship continuing dependent on him cutting back on the alcohol but it never lasts long...

I need your advice - my children are young and it's a big deal to end things... it all looks very dysfunctional written down though.

I am not going to call the police.

I have photos and we are talking about him giving up drinking but I am not satisfied that he is being proactive enough or doing everything he can to salvage something between us or make me feel safe. I have found the house for him to rent because he doesn't want to leave so will not do so on his own.

Thanks for your concern but I am in no immediate danger. I am not minimising, there are warning signs before the violence.

OP, he could go to an AA meeting tonight.

In London there are over 600 meetings a week.
In very remote parts there are at least one.

Any photos you may have taken of your injuries won't stand as evidence unless they've been independently witnessed.

He won't give up drink and you're not safe with him. Your fixed insistence on not calling the police is extremely worrying, as is your belief that you are in no immediate danger.

If you believe that he will always exhibit warning signs you are most definitely minimising his violence and need to guard against the type of physical attack that comes from nowhere while your mind is preoccupied with another matter, or which takes place while you are asleep.

If it were merely a matter of you and him and your obstinancy I wouldn't be bothering to respond, but you have 3 small dc to care for and should have more thought as to how they will fare if he inflicts a physically impairing injury, or worse, on you.

It's a sad state of affairs when others are more concerned for the care and welfare of dc than their parents appear to be, and it's particularly lamentable when the only thing that stops a dm from acting to protect her dc is her pride.

All I can hope for in your case is that your neighbours call the police the next time he's violent towards you and SS take steps to ensure that he lives separately to you and the dc.

I speak as the child of a DV sufferer who can clearly remember the violence despite the fact I was only 4 when my mum finally had the guts to kick him out. You are damaging your DC, I will forever remember the violence of my early childhood.
Stop minimising what is happening, stop thinking about money & start thinking about the welfare of your DC-put them first & get rid of this vile specimen.

Just to tell you, I completely understand that you are balking at the reality of separation... BUT, your son could have been injured or killed with the knife. or he could have injured his father & have a life of fucked up head space.
The neighbours could hear & intervene (correctly) the SS could become involved. Who knows where that could go.
He is not about to move out. or anywhere near it
Your husband is a violent alcoholic & it's getting worse. If he really injured you, your kids would go into care. or you could die & they would be left with what ? a father in prison.... You say your childhood was a similar scenario, & OH 's also, the Grandparents are not the right ones to bring up your kids.
You are used to being hurt. believe me, NOONE has ever physically hurt me, EVER. It is how normal people live. You can ring the police & talk to a unit who deal with this. You are not obliged to make a complaint. or ring Women's aid & tell them & hear from a professional what they think. please do not let this lie.
www.centerfordomesticpeace.org/calling-police

sorry saw that was an american link. but the info is valid

content.met.police.uk/Article/What-is-domestic-abuse/1400022788960/1400032332992

Don't be afraid to come back to this thread at any time in the future. When it happens again.

OP why do you think he will leave?

I'm 39yrs now and I still remember vividly the violence I grew up with, my mother getting hit, laid into, dragged round the living room by her hair, the aftermath of the violence when I got up the bottle to come downstairs, after the commotion, and see her crying on the settee. Sitting on the stairs listening to nightly arguments. He was a pot-head and she was a plonky.

I still remember, I was about 6yrs and my half-brother 3yrs, they were having a full-on fight on the floor and my bro got in the way and ended up with his head split open against the door frame. Blood everywhere. He's still got the scar. I still remember the nightmares of losing my mother. Who remembers nightmares in great detail DECADES later? I usually can't remember my dreams from the previous night!

There are lots of other examples I could give from my lovely family home-life ( mega sarcasm intended ), and to say that my upbringing effected me mentally would be a bloody understatement. My formative years....all warped and shitty. It has lasting repercussions down the years, believe me. It forms a person's personality and influences their behaviour. How can it not?? At that age, we were literally being programmed!

Fast forward to now, they're still together ( still a pot-head and a piss-head ), when I confronted her about the violence ( prior to me going NC ) she said she deserved it cos she would wind him up when on the drink. She defends him all the time. He has isolated her so she has no friends. My half-bro still lives at home and takes dope, speed AND takes alcohol to work in a pop bottle! I am NC with the lot of them now because I actually and genuinely hate and despise the whole sorry lot of them. They deserve eachother!

And the reason I'm telling you all this, Zog, is...do you want your kids to be in a similar position? Damaged and despising the very people who were meant to love and protect them? Domestic abuse ( whether physical or not ) ALWAYS effects kids in 1 way or another. And the more exposure they have the worse it will be. I have terrible memories I shall take to my grave, they influence the adult you become, the choices you make in life YEARS down the line....." I hate my mother and father!"...is that what you want your child to say? When a mother prioritizes ( thru fear or delusion ) her abusive partner over her kids, it is a recipe for disaster. Without fail.

I often wonder on these threads why posters can't accept the OP's position and respect how she intends to move forward. Yes we might disagree but the way some posters are banging on and almost instructing her what to do, I find really annoying. There seem to be some mind readers who know it will happen again.

You are being told that if he really injured you the children would go into care, but this isn't the case. Yes social workers would be involved but so long as you ceased to have any contact with the partner, the court would not want to remove them. In cases where children are removed because of DV, it's because the mother is not prepared to separate from the violent partner, or says that she has, but then it's found out that he is back sleeping there for part of the week, or something similar.

One poster talks about a "bed down the police station" but this is very short term. He could be cautioned and released the same day. Even if he is charged he will almost certainly be released on police bail. There may be a bail condition that he keeps away from his partner, but that has to be something serious.

The OP knows the situation and the man in question obviously and we know what she has told us in her OP. I haven't read all the thread but I can guess which posters will be on, urging her to call the police, LTB etc.

A lot of murdered women and a lot of very damaged children is probably the answer to your question Nana. And seriously, there is a lot of supposition and frankly gambling in your appraisal of what might happen.

And that crap you wrote in your last paragraph does not belong in this thread which you haven't even bothered to read.

Zog if you feel any sign of escalation you can go to the police with the DCs, ask to be sent in a refuge (where the children can be with you) then ask the police to get him out of the house. make sure he has an order not to come around the house ever again and get the locks changed.
My ex also looked harmless, people warned me, I did not feel at risk and in the end I only had my legs to run as fast as I could. A lot of us say the same...

Nananina for someone who usually prefaces every post with 'as a retired social worker of 30+ years' as if they are your credentials you don't half post some ignorant and dangerous shite sometimes

I say if you can't be bothered to RTFT then don't bother to comment.

Please do have an independent witness to your injuries OP. Talk to your doctor at least. You can then be sure there's a record of events, but no further action taken without your instruction and consent.

Based on what you've said and on experience, I don't believe your H will cut down or stop his drinking and the potential for serious, lasting harm is always going to be there. Over and above what's already been done I mean.

Do what you have to do to protect yourself and your children and make that decision when you are being totally frank and honest with yourself. I don't think you need anyone else to spell it out to you now. You're very lucky to have three DCs, the third one might not have made it because of your H's violence.

It looks dysfunctional written down, because it is dangerously dysfunctional.

In all fairness you don't have to be a mind reader to predict how the average DV relationship pans out.

There seem to be some mind readers who know it will happen again.

That usually is the case with serial offenders though isn't it.

As in OP's case it's the same old story.

"I won't do it again."

"I won't do it again."

"I won't do it again."

"I won't do it again."

So far she has been listening to his words and that has just led to her being where she is now.

It's time for OP to start responding to his actions.

Also, the violence has escalated each time, so what does that tell you about the next attack?

Of course it's going to happen again and of course it will be worse.

Eventually, when the OP's children are teenagers and start to try and defy him, he will start on them. Maybe at that point OP will realise she needs to take action. Maybe not.

Many people grew up in violent homes and their parents are still at it long after they left.

There seem to be some mind readers who know it will happen again
missed that line!
Nina do yup know the first fucking thing about domestic violence? Actually having come across some very fucking ignorant and dangerous social workers I'm not surprised you seem to have not the first clue but how can you have missed the clue that the past predicts the future? Jesus Christ. Please stop twatting around boasting about your social work experience because people might
Mistakenly think that means you have a clue

wondering why people don't trust social workers...

The mind games and inability to stop drinking are bigger danger signs to me than the punch, especially the mind games. The abusive pattern is well established.

That said, nagging OP is counter-productive.

It took me a long time to get out. It is hard.

How much are you willing to bet it won't happen again Nana? Stake your house on it, would you?

I'm not an alarmist but, to my mind, the OP is in more danger than many others who post about dv here and it's particularly worrying that she has said "the violence gets worse every time".

As many of your comments are as misplaced as they are inaccurate, I would suggest you read the thread before maintaining that the OP's best course of action is to continue minimising the violence that she is being subjected to.

Maybe NN is retired. 30+ years ago things were very different in social services. Dv was considered acceptable in marriage, as was rape. Things have moved on since then, I think OP would get support from police and social workers these days.

Nina did you miss the bit where the op said this has happened before and even while she was pregnant? What makes you so sure that this time he's just going to stop?

I've got two stories about dv. My own where I called the police, he was charged, on bail and away from me, ss involved and like a fool took him back twice. The third time , the time when he tried to strangle me in front of my toddler was when I finally saw the light and got him out for good. That was 7 years ago. He's been convicted of threatening to kill me since (4 years ago) and then a court gave me a non mol naming me and my two dc last year and contact has finally ceased.

The other story is of my parents. My birth parents. My earliest memories are being woken in the night, parents fighting and me being got up as one of them was leaving and they would fight over me. Finally my mum tried to leave when I was 6 and he strangled her and then killed himself. Left me and my baby sister alone in the house with her body three weeks before Xmas.

So I think I might be a little bit more experienced in the suggestion that the ops husband is not only escalating but will continue to escalate until one of them is dead or locked up.

Dv cases always come with bail conditions to keep away from the victim. It's standard, as in the case of all crimes where there is a victim. I'm not sure where you get your info from but it's dangerous and anyone scared about reporting could be put off by you saying bail conditions are sometimes put in place.

I had amazing support from the dv police team, they issued me with a gps tracked panic alarm and visited me daily to ensure I was safe. They are a very specialised unit and their priority is the safety of women (and men) at risk of serious harm.

It is so difficult to leave, especially when they're only that person sometimes... I hope you keep posting OP.