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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP just punched me - what should i do?

305 replies

zogzag · 28/12/2015 00:35

DP has a drink problem, although he won't admit it. He drinks every day, probably about 10 units. If I can get him to stop drinking it is only for a matter of a few days then he starts again.

Every so often, he gets really unpleasant and sometimes violent. He is probably violent about 2 or 3 times a year although the worst it has ever been before now is that he has slapped me once and pushed me once when I was pregnant hard enough to floor me.

I am not pregnant any more (I had the baby, was fine after he pushed me) and today he was moody again. We had a bit of an argument about what to watch on tv - a stupid argument that wasn't about anything serious and shouldn't make someone angry enough to get violent. Anyway, it started with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me out the way. I pushed back and then after he hit me with open hand I hit him back - I don't want to be some meek battered wife who lets her arsehole partner hit her and plays victim. So then he said 'go on then, hit me again', a couple of times, quite aggressively. So I punched him. And he punched me back, hard. I have a lump on the side of my face where he punched me and somehow, bleeding scratches on my hand. He has no marks on him (I guess I didn't hit him as hard as he hit me).

He claims he never hit me apart from the punch after I hit him unprovoked. This is absolutely not true - I have never hit him, ever, without being hit first. The worst I have ever done is push him away when he has been looming over me, shouting in my face. He says he doesn't feel safe around me and that I am not safe to look after our children (i am a sahm). I am aware he is gaslighting me.

I know this makes him sound awful. It doesn't happen often and we have 3 small children. Our relationship is generally good and I would say that apart from these episodes he is respectful of me. I think the violence is probably connected to the alcohol but he won't stop drinking. Please help - I don't know what to do. If this were happening to someone else I would say definitely ltb but it is not someone else... In the past have made our relationship continuing dependent on him cutting back on the alcohol but it never lasts long...

I need your advice - my children are young and it's a big deal to end things... it all looks very dysfunctional written down though.

OP posts:
dublingirl48653 · 28/12/2015 00:53

im so sorry to hear this op

some great advice on here
call the police - this has gone on for way too long

please value your life and that of your young children

regisitme · 28/12/2015 00:54

I'm sorry you've been hurt. You don't deserve this. Please phone the police - things are only going to get worse and while it seems a big deal, you shouldn't have to live like this. His behaviour is escalating isn't it?

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 00:55

I grew up hearing my alcoholic father being violent when I was in bed. I knew exactly what was happening. I also got into similar relationships as an adult. Draw a line here, OP, for yourself and your kids. You're not your mum, you are strong and you have our support. Please call the police now. The rest will follow.

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 00:56

You are all right. And I am stupid worrying about who is going to pay the school fees and what the neighbours will say if we split up. I am an educated woman putting up with my partner punching me, it is fucking ridiculous.

This isn't who I thought I was.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 28/12/2015 00:56

Jesus op. What if you'd fallen backwards and hit your head? He could have killed you, what about your children?

He pushed you over twice when pregnant, you could well have lost your baby.

This is a very dangerous situation, I really don't see you have a choice Flowers

Dragongirl10 · 28/12/2015 00:57

zogzag, why on earth would you make excuses for repeated violence from your dp, once should be enough to call the police get him removed from your home and keep yourself safe.

This is NOT NORMAL behavior. Drink or no drink.

I do not understand why you are not absolutely livid, if my lovely dh ever hit me l would want to see him in jail!

As other posters have said domestic violence gets worse, never better.

You really need to set a good example to your kids, it is your responsibility to let them know that good parents respect each other, and violence is totally unaceptable.

I am sorry as it must be very scary but you do need to take action against him

Good luck

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 00:58

It isn't who you are. All those details will come later. The priority right now is your safety and that of DCs.

LizKeen · 28/12/2015 00:58

The eldest says daddy is grumpy and mean but we can usually talk her round

You shouldn't have to convince your children that their dad is a nice man. They can see through that bullshit, and its basically gaslighting them to say he is anything other than the truth.

You are their parent, and at the minute you are the only one who is capable of doing the right thing and putting them first.

Don't see phoning the police as closing a door, your DH does that every time he drinks and treats you all like shit. See it as opening a door into a better, calmer life for you and your kids.

Please do not pretend that they will have a better life with him in the household, drinking, being mean and grumpy, and beating up their mother. How could anyone be happy with that? The alternative may be a single parent household, but why is that a bad thing? He isn't bringing anything to your lives except violence and drinking. It is just kidding yourself that you have a happy family because at least he is there. Its a fallacy.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 28/12/2015 00:59

You really have 2 choices. Either call the police and explain any violence from you has been self defence or gather the DC and leave.
Whatever the rights or wrongs, it does seem unhealthy to continue like this. It may escalate, it may happen in front of the DC and so on.
You don't want to be a victim. So stop it one way or another. Life can get easier Flowers

regisitme · 28/12/2015 01:02

It's natural to worry about the school fees and their future and making big changes - but you know that their future will be better if you stop this now.

I have a friend who put up with her husbands abusive bullying of her and the children in order to keep her big house and "amazing" lifestyle. It was all a gilded cage though, she's deeply unhappy, has no income and no say in her life or her children's. To the outside though, she's got everything. I see it as a 60 year prison sentence.

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:02

I never saw it as gaslighting my child. That is what my mum did to me and it made me so angry. Shit, I am messing everything up.

OP posts:
PeppasNanna · 28/12/2015 01:04

Op your incredibly selfish. Worrying about how you will be perceived whilst you & your husband abuse each other & indirectly abuse your dc...

Time for you to get your priorities straight.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:05

You're not messing anything up. He is, by drinking and being violent.

I've been where you are, and I did call police. They arrived quietly, arrested him from his bed and took him away without me even seeing him. No shouting, no DCs woken up. Then a statement and photo of my injuries. Then bail conditions not to come home. It gets you breathing space to think more clearly without the fear of what's next. Please do it, OP.

gamerchick · 28/12/2015 01:05

You are because you're thinking about money.

Get him removed from the house tonight and it might be the wake up call he needs.

It may not but no amount of private school fees will make up for the emotional fucking up of your kids.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:07

Jesus Peppas Nanny. She's been punched in the head by her partner, she's dazed and upset. All sorts of factors are occurring to her. It's not selfish. Fuck off if you're just going to be harsh and nasty.

dublingirl48653 · 28/12/2015 01:09

no need for nastiness

you have made a brave choice to post on here - now think carefully about everything. Right thing to do is to ring the police for ALL involved - this is so very sad. it will be rough but you can not live your life like this

JE1234 · 28/12/2015 01:10

You need to split for sure but I would exercise caution involving the police unless you feel in immediate danger or he won't leave the house. You have also assaulted him and would have to convince them it was self defence. If he is denying hitting you first but you are honest and say you hit him you could end up with a caution too. Get him out of the house asap for your sake and your children's.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:10

Actually I think how will I cope financially if we split up is a normal and reasonable concern in OP's situation. But it's not the priority now.

Take it one thing at a time, OP. Get safe first, other things will get sorted. You don't need the answers to all that now.

wallywobbles · 28/12/2015 01:13

Dont over think this. Just call the police now (not tomorrow when you have had a chance to rationalize it) on the non emergency number if it makes you feel better. You just explain what you said here. Be honest and straight with them. Don't minimize or exaggerate. Explain that it is escalating. They have heard it all before. They will come calmly and it will be fine.

Then come back here and tell us you've done it. We will chat to you until they come. It will be fine.

All the other alternatives are worse - and they end with you dead and him hitting your children.

Good luck.

wallywobbles · 28/12/2015 01:14

We are all waiting to hear how that call goes.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:16

I don't agree JE, police deal with these situations, OP is sober and has visible injuries. Tell them the truth just as you have in your OP. No one reading that would think the blame was equal and you should get a Caution.

PeppasNanna · 28/12/2015 01:17

Whoa EEl abdolutely no need to be so rude!
This is an ongoing situation which has reached this dangerous position due to the Op choices, how or why they were made.

I was the child in a very similar situation. The damage done to the children in this sort of situation is immeasurable.

The children are the true victims as they have no choices...

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:18

I really, really appreciate all your support and advice. I know I need to end the relationship and I will address that tomorrow. But I can't call the police on him tonight, I just can't. Please don't think I am not taking everything you say on board, I am. It's just too much to call the police on him.

OP posts:
EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:19

I apologise for the fuck off, uncalled for. You're right about DCs.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:21

What's stopping you, zogzag? It might help to talk it through.