DP just punched me - what should i do?

[zogzag]

DP has a drink problem, although he won't admit it. He drinks every day, probably about 10 units. If I can get him to stop drinking it is only for a matter of a few days then he starts again.

Every so often, he gets really unpleasant and sometimes violent. He is probably violent about 2 or 3 times a year although the worst it has ever been before now is that he has slapped me once and pushed me once when I was pregnant hard enough to floor me.

I am not pregnant any more (I had the baby, was fine after he pushed me) and today he was moody again. We had a bit of an argument about what to watch on tv - a stupid argument that wasn't about anything serious and shouldn't make someone angry enough to get violent. Anyway, it started with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me out the way. I pushed back and then after he hit me with open hand I hit him back - I don't want to be some meek battered wife who lets her arsehole partner hit her and plays victim. So then he said 'go on then, hit me again', a couple of times, quite aggressively. So I punched him. And he punched me back, hard. I have a lump on the side of my face where he punched me and somehow, bleeding scratches on my hand. He has no marks on him (I guess I didn't hit him as hard as he hit me).

He claims he never hit me apart from the punch after I hit him unprovoked. This is absolutely not true - I have never hit him, ever, without being hit first. The worst I have ever done is push him away when he has been looming over me, shouting in my face. He says he doesn't feel safe around me and that I am not safe to look after our children (i am a sahm). I am aware he is gaslighting me.

I know this makes him sound awful. It doesn't happen often and we have 3 small children. Our relationship is generally good and I would say that apart from these episodes he is respectful of me. I think the violence is probably connected to the alcohol but he won't stop drinking. Please help - I don't know what to do. If this were happening to someone else I would say definitely ltb but it is not someone else... In the past have made our relationship continuing dependent on him cutting back on the alcohol but it never lasts long...

I need your advice - my children are young and it's a big deal to end things... it all looks very dysfunctional written down though.

SS would want to see that OP can protect the children.
SS would help OP to this end.

If mum cannot or will not protect the children, and they are believed to be at risk of significant harm (the past being an indicator) then a PPO (police protection order) would be issued and the children would be removed.

If nothing else OP please document your injuries with your dentist and GP. I assume you'll need dental work now anyway. But having disclosed it to them may come in very useful later on.

coffee

Bloody hell Coffee, I had to read that 3 times

I hope you have found some happiness

So sorry that happened to you Coffee. You are very brave to try and help OP by sharing that x

Dear lord, Coffee - sympathy

Coffee that's horrendous, so sorry you have had to go through that

your head will be all over the place when you have suffered violence and all sorts of worries will surface. most of them are not as important as leaving. and leaving safely. we are conditionsed to look good to the outside world. admitting that you have suffered violence can feel embarassing. however it is not your shame it is his. do not take the shameonto yourself. sod what the neighbours will think. bet they know anyway.

sod what you will miss or have to live without or cut back on. getting safe is the first priority for you and the children.

it is easy for others to see this from the outside. it is not easy to live it and see it from the inside. especially when the incidents are over quickly and are balanced with the rest of life that can be pretty good and there seems to be a lot of that to lose. the thing is the violence outweighs the good stuff. you are probably used to it and do not see it as bad as people on the outside and probably minimise. (he only punched me once and did notbeat me to a pulp so it is not that bad) unfortuately it is that bad. listen to mn. read the comments about how bad it is. read about how it is affecting the children. read how it is likely to get worse. read other threads about how much better it si without your abuser living with you. (massively better, honestly) make an exit plan and go. and do not delay. in an emergency ring 999.

Thank you, it was a long time ago but I have complex ptsd as a result of the trauma. There's no fix just coping mechanisms. I hate posting about it as I don't want sympathy or to draw attention from the op but it's a fact that too many women are killed by their partners. And my story although many years ago, made headlines in national newspapers. The police had to call the fire brigade to break into the house Because my sister was in there. I'd wandered off in pjs and barefoot at 6am, turning up at my aunt's house. Reading my police statement years later left me heartbroken for the 6 year old me.

Op, I know you think this won't happen to you. That you will get him to leave and you can fix his drinking and all will be lovely and friendly but you are in denial, you are minimising this and you are denying the impact it has on your dc.

Coffee

There seem to be some mind readers who know it will happen again That is because DV follows a cycle & it has already happened several times before...it isn't going to suddenly stop!

You are being told that if he really injured you the children would go into care, but this isn't the case. Yes social workers would be involved but so long as you ceased to have any contact with the partner, the court would not want to remove them. In cases where children are removed because of DV, it's because the mother is not prepared to separate from the violent partner

1, op doesn't seem to want to operate from partner
2, that ISN'T the only reason that SS take children out of their home in cases of DV!
3, He will get bail conditions. And op can get a court order forcing him to stay away

I haven't read all the thread but I can guess which posters will be on, urging her to call the police, LTB etc. well perhaps you should read the thread. Because that will show you that isn't the first time, he has hit their child & refuses to stop drinking, hit her during her last pregnancy, admitted the violence gets worse every time...

I say if you can't be bothered to RTFT then don't bother to comment Here here!!! Even if you just read op's posts!

op doesn't seem to want to separate from partner

coffee

coffee. sending all big hugs that aren't allowed here

Mix " that aren't allowed here".... Huh?

I agree coffee that is beyond awful and an extreme example of how bad domestic abuse can get. I can't begin to imagine the after-effects for you.

It's also an extreme example of why women should never tell their partner they're leaving when they're alone with kids. It is massively risky. Another adult present to support your mam and I doubt this tragedy would have had a chance to play out to it's horrific conclusion.

Oh Coffee I'm so, so sorry. There just aren't the words

I want to say thank you for sharing your story, but I don't want it to come across in any way to suggest what happened to you was a good thing. My heart goes out to you

Zog I'm thinking of you. I don't want to pry, but why don't you want to go to the police? I know you've said that it's because of the potential fall out but I can't quite understand - especially as you're getting rid of him, legally it might help to have things documented and formalised.

Please also consider RL support - women's aid, friends, family, neighbours, colleagues. If there isn't anyone then could you cultivate friendships in baby/toddler groups?

What is the mood like in the house today Zog on his side and yours?

If you are thinking that defending yourself & hitting back are going to be held against you. remember you were punched in the face.
Also his accusation of not being fit to be a mother is a classic emotionally abusive ruse

Holy shit coffee

zog how are things? I hope your don't feel you can't return to your thread, because there's so much (understandable) pressure to report, we're here for you, what ever you decide x

kitty it seems the irony of your comment has not occurred to you : there is a lot of supposition and frankly* gambling in your appraisal -
And there is no supposition in all the other posts??

Incidentally I haven't made any appraisal. I was simply asking the question why posters didn't respect the OP and her decision.

Obsidian you sound like a very unpleasant person. I've reported your insulting posts.
Fidel there speaks the voice of reason. The nagging that you mention from so many posters verges on demands/instructions as far as I can see.

Goddess I am well aware that the chances of DV recurring are extremely high. I was reacting to people stating it will happen again and unless anyone can see into the future it makes little sense.

Fairenuff I only retired in 2009. We were able to transport woman and children to refuges. Sadly because of this government a lot of refuges have had to close through lack of funding. I think the police response is variable. You have probably heard in the news recently the number of women who have been murdered by their partners, even though they have reported the matter to the police on numerous occasions. The police are under resourced to and so are likely to use a caution instead of charging with "Assault occasioning actual bodily harm" and even if they are charged they are highly unlikely to get a custodial sentence unless it's very serious and they have a lot of "previous"

Posters seem to think that the bloke is going to be kept in the police cells for days on end and sent to prison, and this is just not the case, unless it's a very serious crime. I must admit I'm a bit rusty as far as injunctions are concerned. It used to be the case that a court would make a non-molestation injunction, or one that prevented the bloke having contact with his wife/partner.

coffee No I didn't miss the part to which you refer. At no point in my post have I said it is going to stop. I can't see into the future so I don't know whether it will stop or not, but neither does anyone else. You can't use your own experience to say that this or that always happens. There was a woman on here last week with a DV case and the bloke was cautioned and sent on his way. My information is realistic not dangerous - in fact I would say it is dangerous to talk in such definitive terms as each case is different as is each custody sergeant.

Different I am well aware of the cycle of DV - In fact myself and some colleagues opened one of the first refuges for women in 1979 (probably before you were born) I just don't understand why you think I am saying the DV will stop. I have not said that - I can't because I can't see into the future. I am reacting to people being so definitive and saying it will not stop.

Do tell me of your experience of the reasons that court orders are made when care proceedings are initiated by Children's Services, as you infer that you have this knowledge. I have some 30 years experience (yes ok I've said it before) and retired in 2009. I think therefore I am qualified to give an opinion on this matter.

All I asked was why posters didn't accept the OP's decision and I've been accused of all sorts of things. Have you noticed the OP hasn't come back and I can't say I blame her.

coffee that made me sick to my stomach - I'm so sorry x op I grew up in a household where my dad was a violent alcoholic. He started on my mum then because she... Let him... He started on us (myself and my brother were trying to protect her you see)... She eventually kicked him out when I was 14 (& my brother was 12) the damage has been done. The things I saw and heard will never leave me. Please do something x

30 years experience does not mean 30 years good practice. Obviously we only have this thread to go on but your advice is shit tbh.

Have you not heard of 'thinking the unthinkable', it is mentioned in the children act as things that happen to children are often beyond comprehension.

Protecting children is not about trying not to offend the parent, that is a mistake.

We have not lost sight of the children here, as you seem to have.

Well thank you friend for telling me that protecting children is not about offending parents - I wouldn't have known before!!!!

I haven't "lost sight of the children" but I don't think giving inaccurate information e.g. "if he hurts you, you will lose the children" is any help to anyone. I haven't given any specific advice other than to say that in situations of DV if the mother is willing to separate out from the father, and means it, then it is highly unlikely that she will lose the children. Of course children living in a situation where there is DV are going to suffer emotional harm. And those are grounds for requesting the court to make an Order to remove the children if the mother is not willing to separate from the father or says she has, but then it's found that she hasn't really.

I've heard the phrase "thinking the unthinkable" and understand its meaning though I don't think it is in the Children Act 1989. Child abuse isn't beyond comprehension to me, but I won't go on because you think my advice is shit - how rude.

I haven't given any specific advice other than to say that in situations of DV if the mother is willing to separate out from the father, and means it, then it is highly unlikely that she will lose the children. Of course children living in a situation where there is DV are going to suffer emotional harm. And those are grounds for requesting the court to make an Order to remove the children if the mother is not willing to separate from the father or says she has, but then it's found that she hasn't really

And of course if zog finds herself in a situation where she faces that ultimatum, she will drop him in a heartbeat. But you're saying she would be given the ultimatum by SS at the point they got involved Nina?

Can we all agree to stop squabbling now. I think there has been a degree of crossed wires and none of this is helping zog.

Posters seem to think that the bloke is going to be kept in the police cells for days on end and sent to prison, and this is just not the case, unless it's a very serious crime. I must admit I'm a bit rusty as far as injunctions are concerned. It used to be the case that a court would make a non-molestation injunction, or one that prevented the bloke having contact with his wife/partner.

I don't think posters think he will be remanded in custody. I would expect him to be removed from the house and that OP can get a non-mol to keep him away. I don't see him going any other way, this man is not going to voluntarily leave.