DP just punched me - what should i do?

[zogzag]

DP has a drink problem, although he won't admit it. He drinks every day, probably about 10 units. If I can get him to stop drinking it is only for a matter of a few days then he starts again.

Every so often, he gets really unpleasant and sometimes violent. He is probably violent about 2 or 3 times a year although the worst it has ever been before now is that he has slapped me once and pushed me once when I was pregnant hard enough to floor me.

I am not pregnant any more (I had the baby, was fine after he pushed me) and today he was moody again. We had a bit of an argument about what to watch on tv - a stupid argument that wasn't about anything serious and shouldn't make someone angry enough to get violent. Anyway, it started with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me out the way. I pushed back and then after he hit me with open hand I hit him back - I don't want to be some meek battered wife who lets her arsehole partner hit her and plays victim. So then he said 'go on then, hit me again', a couple of times, quite aggressively. So I punched him. And he punched me back, hard. I have a lump on the side of my face where he punched me and somehow, bleeding scratches on my hand. He has no marks on him (I guess I didn't hit him as hard as he hit me).

He claims he never hit me apart from the punch after I hit him unprovoked. This is absolutely not true - I have never hit him, ever, without being hit first. The worst I have ever done is push him away when he has been looming over me, shouting in my face. He says he doesn't feel safe around me and that I am not safe to look after our children (i am a sahm). I am aware he is gaslighting me.

I know this makes him sound awful. It doesn't happen often and we have 3 small children. Our relationship is generally good and I would say that apart from these episodes he is respectful of me. I think the violence is probably connected to the alcohol but he won't stop drinking. Please help - I don't know what to do. If this were happening to someone else I would say definitely ltb but it is not someone else... In the past have made our relationship continuing dependent on him cutting back on the alcohol but it never lasts long...

I need your advice - my children are young and it's a big deal to end things... it all looks very dysfunctional written down though.

Hope your day has gone well zog

Posters seem to think that the bloke is going to be kept in the police cells for days on end and sent to prison
Well clearly not, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't call the police apart from anything else she will need evidence of dv for legal aid and for the non mol and occupation order she will need.

Hi there, we've had a couple of reports from people concerned that this thread has been derailed a bit - so am just interrupting (sorry OP!) with a friendly reminder that Mumsnet is first and foremost about making parents' lives easier. We can see a huge amount of support for the OP here and hope that can continue .

"if he hurts you, you will lose the children" is not what I said, I actually meant: if OP is seriously hurt, (in hospital) he will be in clink. So who looks after the children ??? whatever, it was a possible scenario, & a plausible one.

How did you explain your injuries to the children and dentist?

Did you find yourself thinking that you sounded like your mum?

Nana maybe you could start your own thread for your issues? This one is about the OP.

I think in that scenario mix56 there would probably be family members/friends to care for the children. If not, then they would have to go into foster care until their mother was fit to care for them.

Fidel Yes, if a woman has been suffering DV and Children's Services are involved, the first option would be for the mother to end her marriage/relationship, but she would have to prove that she was serious about this. Sadly many mothers don't separate out and sometimes maintain a r/ship in secret, but it's not difficult to find out, and in those circumstances it is highly likely that an application would be made to court for an Order preventing the parents having care of the children.

kitty I don't understand your ridiculous post, though I suspect this is your attempt at sarcasm. My posts are related to the OP. It might have escaped your notice that the OP appears to have left the thread and the last posts have been people making insulting comments to me and inferring that I have said things that I haven't. The OP sounded to me like she was signing off - she said she wasn't going to involve the police, and she was not in danger. So how is the thread about the OP?

Sorry to jump on this thread but I'm in a similar relationship. With a man who revolves his life around alcohol and pub life. He wouldnt admit hes an alcoholic, im not even sure he is but he doesnt go more than a day or two without drink and he never knows when to stop. His first and last thought is drink. Every day trip we ever have he's working out where the nearest pub is. We live a almost normal life until hes drunk and he becomes aggressive. But i guess im starting to realise that is more often than not now. He loses his temper and shouts at me and the kids. My son at 4 shouts back. I know that hes already having an impact on him, and i need to put a stop to it.Im a samh i havnt worked for best part of 4 years. I dont know how id get by financially or where to even start in leaving him! But i also dont want to cut him out completely i know he loves our children and our children love him. That said the thought if him watching our children alone terrifies me! He isnt responsible! He would drink or have them in the pub. I have no evidence of anything to make the police not give him access rights!? Other than regular short tempered aggression and drunken threats hes never been physical. I literally dread him comijg home after a good drink. I dread him waking the kids, what they must think smelling the alcohol on him. The rubbish drunken talk he'd give them. But if hes going to get access whats the point in splittin up at least i can protect them a little this way!? I dont really understand what rights i have in leaving we own a house together bt arent married and id never be able to take onthe mortgage myself as i stand, so i guess id have to take our children out the house!? :-(

Cautlyn can you start your own thread so we can advise you there? There are definitely ways of ensuring your children's safety including alcohol testing and contact centres plus a court could force the house sale if needed.

Sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult relationship Cautlyn. Do please start a thread and say more about it.

Yes Cautlyn sorry to hear that. Please start your thread and come back and tell us what it is called so we can find it.

Nana: "I think in that scenario mix56 there would probably be family members/friends to care for the children. If not, then they would have to go into foster care until their mother was fit to care for them.

Have you bothered to read the whole thread yet? OP has said both lots of family are damaged/similar cases. You keep coming back with scathing remarks, & now have validated my original post. It's just embarrassing

I'm making scathing remarks..........!!! Good god - pots and kettles come to mind. Maybe the OP would have a friend who could help out. Anyway she's clearly had enough of you lot and left the thread. To come back to my original point, what right do you and all the others have to demand the OP takes specific action, or to instruct her on what to do. Beggars belief. Well I'm signing off now.

cautlyn good idea to start your own thread.

I'm making scathing remarks..........!!! Good god - pots and kettles come to mind. Maybe the OP would have a friend who could help out. Anyway she's clearly had enough of you lot and left the thread. To come back to my original point, what right do you and all the others have to demand the OP takes specific action, or to instruct her on what to do. Beggars belief. Well I'm signing off now.

cautlyn good idea to start your own thread.

I've just come back to this thread and am horrified at how it's gone - no wonder OP is not posting. Nina is right, positing apocalyptic scenarios is not helpful. Zog has told us she is an intelligent, professional woman, she has decided what she is doing to end the situation she's in and she's doing it. She is choosing not to call the police on this occasion, that is her choice to make. She came on here for support, and ought to be able to get that, not people projecting their own situations, judging or having a bun fight with other posters.

Ignore carded - he/she is running around putting goady comments on various threads - GROW UP DEAR!!

Hallelujah!! Thank you EElisaveta I think you are absolutely right that many of these posters are projecting their own situations. What I hate is the way they demand the OP does this or that or the next thing and issue instructions.

Zog has told us she is an intelligent, professional woman, she has decided what she is doing to end the situation she's in and she's doing it.

She may be an intelligent, professional woman but she is also in shock and is reacting in a way that will cause minimum stress and change at the moment.

She has recognised the steps that she needs to take and has put them into the future so that she does not have to deal with them now.

Posters are right to warn her that this is a dangerous decision. She has declared her intentions to her attacker without following them through. We all know why she has done this, it is a coping reaction.

But to leave things as they are will lead to one thing. OP will undoubtedly decide that seeing this through is not worth the effort. That he will change and will either leave the home of his own accord, or will stop abusing her.

Neither of these things will happen. He won't leave without being made to and he won't change. So the likely outcome is that he will stay and will assault her again.

This is why OP should report the incident to the police, her gp, her dentist or any other professional person that can document what happened for future reference.

Remember what OP posted - He claims he never hit me apart from the punch after I hit him unprovoked. This is absolutely not true

This man cannot be trusted. He is not even sorry and he is a risk to OP and her children.

And the title of the OP states clearly DP just punched me what should I do?

Hence, we have replied with what we think she should do.

Oh god it's another nana nina debacle...

Just dropping this in here; www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2538444-At-this-exact-moment-last-year-my-H-was-strangling-me-and-punching-me-in-the-head-in-front-of-our-three-young-children

If you had read the thread you would understand why ppl are so vehemently disagreeing with you nana.

IMO from many of your posts on many threads it is you who is projecting. You want other people to stay in terrible relationships in order to validate you staying in yours IMO.

Anyone who really understands DV knows that victims of abuse are from all walks of life and being educated and intelligent does not mean you are able to make wise decisions about an abusive relationship. It is very hard to leave because of the amount of control an abuser has over your thoughts but leaving is the right thing to do and following other people's advice is often the only way people get out.

Zog - if you are still reading then I agree with others that reporting this latest incident (and the past history) is the best thing to do. I understand you are afraid of the finality of that but that finality is exactly what you and your DC need.

As the primary victim of the abuse you cannot leave it to yourself on your own to sort this out. I understand why you don't want to burden family and friends but if you won't seek help from state services either then what are you to do? Wait for him to do permanent damage? To go for one of the kids? You have daughters? He is a man who hits women, what will happen to them when they get to preteen/teenage? If you won't report him officially how will you be able to protect them when you do split up?

You cannot manage this on your own, you need someone else to take control of this and make the decisions for you or you will keep on keeping on and the beatings will keep on getting worse. He won't stop being a violent alcoholic just because you have split up, he won't stop if you stay together, that's who he is in relation to you. That's why you need police involvement.

The beatings will not be the beginning or the end of the abuse either. There will be emotional abuse to go with it for sure, that's the part your DC are talking about with you and I absolutely agree with pp who said you shouldn't be colluding with him to dismiss their accurate assessment of him.

IME women's aid are excellent at deprogramming the brainwashing victims of abuse have suffered. If you can't reach out to the police at least try reaching out to them because they will help strengthen you so that you can take steps to protect you and the DC.

I also wanted to just mention that what you describe is a pattern of escalation. You should not place too much faith in the 'warning signs'. What you can say is that there have been warning signs up until now each time it has happened and you have not been able to protect yourself or prevent it from happening. There are no guarantees about the future. Especially because leaving (and the abuser feeling they are losing control) is the most dangerous time.

Ah you come late to the party Offred and NO this isn't another nananina debacle but it hasn't stopped you from talking crap. Your comment that I want people to stay in terrible relationships to validate me staying in mine is utter rubbish. I did suffer DV when I was a young mother nearly 50 years ago and I stuck it for 2.5 years and left, and never went back. I've lived with my partner happily for over 40 years. So much for your opinion.

Where you get the notion that I want people to stay in "terrible relationships" is totally beyond me. Together with colleagues we opened on the first refuges in 1979 and became affiliated to Women's Aid. Over the years I have continued to volunteer for WA, albeit in a sporadic way now due to a long term health condition.

How many women and children have you transported to refuges and got them set up with the essentials and assisted them in claiming benefits etc? 5, 10, none I suspect. On the contrary I have done this on hundreds of occasions over 40 years both as a social worker and a volunteer for WA. How many times have you turned out at night and waited at the end of a street for a woman and her children to run to the car?

SO you don't need to lecture me about domestic violence - I was involved before you were born or when you were in nappies.

The thing that pisses me off is the hectoring tone of you lot, telling the OP what she must do - insisting, demanding, instructing. At the beginning of the thread I think the OP found the posts helpful and supportive, but once the hectoring started, unsurprisingly she left the thread. So how is that supporting the OP. My first post to the OP mentioned the children as DV is seen as a reason for courts removing children. A short time later she said she was not involving the police and was not in immediate danger. Then you lot pile in and tell her what she has to do and unsurprisingly she leaves the thread. I then had the temerity to ask why people couldn't respect the OP and her decision, even though we may not agree - and then the insults against me came piling in, most of them very unpleasant. Like you they get the idea I condone DV - though god knows why they arrive at this conclusion.

In my view motivation for change comes from within, for all of us and this is true for women suffering DV. It doesn't come from what someone said on MN, so all the hectoring posts won't really help but I don't suppose it will stop you lot demanding/instructing - inventing scenarios and stating this or that will happen. And giving false information to boot.

Reported, FFS

In fact myself and some colleagues opened one of the first refuges for women in 1979 (probably before you were born) My god, how fucking patronizing...not actually, it was NOT before I was born.

I know someone who has 30yrs under their belt as a dr, doesn't mean they are a good one. You spout away on this thread as if you are the oracle & know everything better than anyone else. Plenty of posters have told you your advice is dangerous & wrong. Retired in 2009? That's 6 yrs, that;s a long time in terms of protective services for children.

SO you don't need to lecture me about domestic violence - I was involved before you were born or when you were in nappies. Why the hell do you insist on insulting people & throwing crap about ages & experience around? You are not the only person on here who has the experience of working with./helping DV victims. You are not the oldest person on here. You have been told by many that your advice is dangerous, and wrong. You admit that you are rusty on injunctions, so what else are you rusty on?

You are pretty much advocating that op stay in a relationship where she has been hit, while at her most vulnerable (while pregnant), that same man has hit their child. You would know, as a SS, that that disclosure, along with what op has said about her husband & his penchant for violence towards her & her unborn baby, is a safe guarding issue & is reportable. Yet you seem happy to encourage the op not to listen & to carry on as is. Yet you also admit that you haven't (or hadn't) even read the thread!!!

Perhaps it is you that has it wrong, having qualified SOOOOOO long ago (you know, while we were all still in nappies) may be your experience is out dated. It is no longer ok to hit "the little wife to keep her in line" anymore.