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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP just punched me - what should i do?

305 replies

zogzag · 28/12/2015 00:35

DP has a drink problem, although he won't admit it. He drinks every day, probably about 10 units. If I can get him to stop drinking it is only for a matter of a few days then he starts again.

Every so often, he gets really unpleasant and sometimes violent. He is probably violent about 2 or 3 times a year although the worst it has ever been before now is that he has slapped me once and pushed me once when I was pregnant hard enough to floor me.

I am not pregnant any more (I had the baby, was fine after he pushed me) and today he was moody again. We had a bit of an argument about what to watch on tv - a stupid argument that wasn't about anything serious and shouldn't make someone angry enough to get violent. Anyway, it started with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me out the way. I pushed back and then after he hit me with open hand I hit him back - I don't want to be some meek battered wife who lets her arsehole partner hit her and plays victim. So then he said 'go on then, hit me again', a couple of times, quite aggressively. So I punched him. And he punched me back, hard. I have a lump on the side of my face where he punched me and somehow, bleeding scratches on my hand. He has no marks on him (I guess I didn't hit him as hard as he hit me).

He claims he never hit me apart from the punch after I hit him unprovoked. This is absolutely not true - I have never hit him, ever, without being hit first. The worst I have ever done is push him away when he has been looming over me, shouting in my face. He says he doesn't feel safe around me and that I am not safe to look after our children (i am a sahm). I am aware he is gaslighting me.

I know this makes him sound awful. It doesn't happen often and we have 3 small children. Our relationship is generally good and I would say that apart from these episodes he is respectful of me. I think the violence is probably connected to the alcohol but he won't stop drinking. Please help - I don't know what to do. If this were happening to someone else I would say definitely ltb but it is not someone else... In the past have made our relationship continuing dependent on him cutting back on the alcohol but it never lasts long...

I need your advice - my children are young and it's a big deal to end things... it all looks very dysfunctional written down though.

OP posts:
Baressentials · 28/12/2015 19:36

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

Reread your thread op as if it was your dd writing it. what would you want her to do? There is your answer.

fuctifino · 28/12/2015 19:39

My sister's husband was a nasty piece of work and used to beat her infrequently. Her 3 year old son came to my parent's house one day saying 'daddy hit mummy's head against the toilet". Heart breaking to hear coming out the mouth of a babe.
That boy is 25 now and has turned into a lovely, kind and caring young man.
His mum? She ended up in hospital having had a fit that would not stop. He hadn't beat her that day, that week, even that month, she was suffering from long term damage.
Once she was out of hospital, did she leave him? No, that came a couple of years later when he had an affair.
20 odd years on she is still on epilepsy meds and from mutual acquaintances he is still a bastard.

Please don't let it be you, the person living with life long physical ailments. And don't think your kids don't know, if they don't already, the longer you stay the sooner they will Sad

fidel1ne · 28/12/2015 19:42

You know where we are.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 28/12/2015 19:47

Please tell someone in RL what is going on. If you don't want to involve the police, please contact anyone at all in a position of authority you feel you can trust, it doesn't need to be a friend. You need this on record. This is the most dangerous time for you & your DCs.

In addition, what motivation does your partner have to leave? He's almost certainly going to fight this. Consider how you grew up with this sort of thing, normalised it, and accept it from him. Your children are doing the same. I can pretty much guarantee they know.

UninventiveUsername · 28/12/2015 19:56

Jesus op. Take this seriously. Do you know the stats on women killed by a partner or ex partner? This man hit you while you were pregnant. He has punched you and broken your tooth. Do you really believe he will go as soon as he finds somewhere. I'm not convinced. I think you should call the police and report him.

RideEmCowgirl · 28/12/2015 20:05

Makes me so angry reading threads like this.

OP - basically you are becoming your Mother - an enabler Is that what you wanted when you were being beaten as a child?

He won't leave and you won't leave him.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 20:25

Ease up, posters. It's incredibly hard to leave a violent relationship. It's hard to admit to yourself that you've got into that sort of situation. OP is not her mother, she has drawn a line and is taking action.

Zog please feel you can keep posting. I urge you to get your injuries seen to and documented by a medical professional - you can go to a walk in centre if you don't want to go to your own GP. You don't need to tell them who hit you if you don't want to. Also take photos.

ToddlerTantrums · 28/12/2015 20:50

Oh Zog, he won't leave. There will always be a reason he can't move out this week/month. Eventually it'll seem silly to be kicking him out over something that happened 6 months ago.
You think your kids aren't affected but they are. Since I left my alcoholic husband there have been horrible little signs of how my 1yo has been affected by him, never mind the 5yo. Mine too was never violent sober. Honesty would have put everything I owned on hm never hitting/pushing me sober and he never did. In the end it wasn't even due to violence that I left, it was that he put my baby in danger while pissed at 5.30pm.
Please make him go. It's really not going to get any better.
Go before it does any more damage to your kids.

BradfordMum · 28/12/2015 21:03

I'm sorry op but I'm trying to offer advice.
Please listen to us.
Your husband now has another reason to lose his temper now you've asked him to leave.
How much more can you take?

Aspergallus · 28/12/2015 22:09

You have decided it will get too complicated, too messy, if you call the police.

You are so very very wrong.

I fear you'll look back on this moment with great regret when you see how much more complicated it becomes because you didn't.

Hope you are safe.

Daisydukes79 · 28/12/2015 22:30

I'm writing this from my own pov, as a child whose father beat her mother.
She finally left him when I was 7 1/2, and that was only because of a night where he was wrecking the house and just missed my head with a thick glass ashtray.
Witnessing his abuse of her left me hugely traumatised, unable to trust men, nervous and anxious.
My mum stayed so long as she thought she was doing what was best for us kids. She also once made the statement to me that despite what he did to her, he was a good dad. I soon put her straight about that as good dads don't batter your mum in front of you, put drink before you and leave you with no food on the table so they can spend it on drink.
I really hope you can get out of this situation as soon as you can.

coconutpie · 28/12/2015 23:30

There have been so many threads on here about DV and they all say the same thing: the most dangerous time is when the abused person leaving the relationship. You have told him to go but he hasn't. You are in the most danger now. He beats you and no doubt will start on your DC too at some point. Call the police now. You are completely minimising this. His next punch could kill you. How can you brush that under the rug? Your DC are not safe with him around.

coconutpie · 28/12/2015 23:32

Oh and get your injuries documented. You will need it otherwise he'll get unsupervised access to your DC.

ChishandFips33 · 29/12/2015 08:17

How are things this morning OP?

You are being incredibly brave...the decision to do something is often the hardest part. Please see it through
Is the house in joint names?

Original poster
zogzag · 29/12/2015 11:59

I am ok this morning, thanks. Dp is still sulking but he is doing a lot round the house and looking after the children. I am not sleeping. I think I have found a house for him to rent, will talk to him about it this evening.

OP posts:
mix56 · 29/12/2015 12:11

He will now be on his very best behaviour. You will probably listen to his promises. he will not stop drinking, things will temporarily calm down. Then he will do it again.

The ONLY way forward for you & your children is to not back down, he MUST move out. oh & Have you taken a photos of any bruises ?

BradfordMum · 29/12/2015 12:58

I agree with Mix.
He will lull you into a false sense of security.
Probably buy you a gift. Talk about a holiday.
Be extra nice.

Then hit you again.
And again.
And I'm afraid people will just say 'told you so'.
I probably sound heartless but seen it happen time and time again.
People ask for help, then ignore it.
Don't be one of the statistics x

PitPatKitKat · 29/12/2015 15:13

Going to agree with both mix and bradford. This is just the lull after the storm, especially as he realises that he has fucked up, he has crossed the line, he is vulnerable (because you currently have proof). When the guilt and the vulnerability fade you are in even more dangerous territory.

I know it is difficult. I know your lives are still entwined. I know it is difficult to give up on a dream of a happy family lie with him, especially given what has happened in the past.

But the only way to turn that dream into a reality is to make the break from him, do what it takes to get you and your kids safe from him (police, Women's Aid, photographic proof, protection of the law). He has proven he is no gentleman by hitting you.

Break free of him, and of the past. Please, please take photos as a first step, before the bruises fade.

You can do it. There are people here who will help you. There are people here who have done it before and who will give you help every step of the way. Be safe.

ChishandFips33 · 29/12/2015 16:25

Being gentle when I say this but it shouldn't be you looking for a place to rent. If he was serious about getting better and changing he'd be moving fast to get things in motion.
Be careful please that you don't 'push' him or give him cause to lash out again
Are you on the mortgage for the house you are in?

FantasticButtocks · 29/12/2015 16:32

Do take photos of your injuries, op Then you have them if/when you need them. Also, looking at them yourself will remind you what he does, and what you've been tolerating. Sad

NewLife4Me · 29/12/2015 16:36

Please get out of this situation and only worry about your neighbours contacting social services as your children should not be in this environment and you are not protecting them from him.

So sorry you are going through this and I know it's easy to say when it's not me going through it.
However, it needs to be said that you must stop putting him first and start putting your dc first.
How long before you can't talk dd round, until they do hear it and see what is going on.
What about when they talk to somebody who will listen at school and the school involve ss.
You know he needs to go immediately OP.

Fairenuff · 29/12/2015 17:06

He isn't going to go OP.

NanaNina · 29/12/2015 17:30

I'm swimming against the tide here OP but it seems that you don't want to end the r/ship for whatever reason, and I understand what a hassle that is especially when you have small children. What is the situation with your house, are you renting, or buying? I think the only hope if you're going to stay together is for him to cut down on drinking, because that is the trigger for violence. I don't know what the chances are of him cutting down - you could go to Al Anon (for relatives of alcoholics) but I think you need to make it a condition of you staying together. If he refuses, then I think you are going to have to separate.

Yes you could contact the police but he'll say you were hitting/punching him and it could be that they'd end up cautioning both of you! I don't know if you're afraid of him? If so, I think the r/ship is dead in the water.

Someone mentioned about the children living in this atmosphere and you must take that seriously because children who live in a home where there is DV can be seriously affected and it can be a reason for courts to remove children. I am a retired social worker with 30 years experience in children's services, so please believe me on this one.

I think you are minimising you DP's behaviour towards you. It isn't acceptable, but at the end of the day it is a decision that you have to make.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/12/2015 17:38

Dp is still sulking but he is doing a lot round the house and looking after the children

He has no intention of leaving. He's endeavouring to demonstrate how 'helpful' and 'necessary' he is to the smooth running of the household, but his sulking indicates that he's a mass of simmering resentment because you've had the temerity to ask him to leave.

If you intend to draw his attention to a house you've found for him to rent I again suggest you prime your mobile to dial 999 and FGS don't hesitate to use it when he kicks off.

He may not become violent tonight but it won't be long before he lashes out at you again and you're best advised to keep your mobile to hand and ready to call 999 at all times because he's a volcano of frustration that could blow without warning.

When is he due to return to work?

coffeeisnectar · 29/12/2015 18:27

Classic cycle of dv. The abuse, then the apologetic time, then resentment because you made him do it and then more abuse.

You don't need to find him a house, the police will give him a bed down the station.