DP just punched me - what should i do?

[zogzag]

DP has a drink problem, although he won't admit it. He drinks every day, probably about 10 units. If I can get him to stop drinking it is only for a matter of a few days then he starts again.

Every so often, he gets really unpleasant and sometimes violent. He is probably violent about 2 or 3 times a year although the worst it has ever been before now is that he has slapped me once and pushed me once when I was pregnant hard enough to floor me.

I am not pregnant any more (I had the baby, was fine after he pushed me) and today he was moody again. We had a bit of an argument about what to watch on tv - a stupid argument that wasn't about anything serious and shouldn't make someone angry enough to get violent. Anyway, it started with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me out the way. I pushed back and then after he hit me with open hand I hit him back - I don't want to be some meek battered wife who lets her arsehole partner hit her and plays victim. So then he said 'go on then, hit me again', a couple of times, quite aggressively. So I punched him. And he punched me back, hard. I have a lump on the side of my face where he punched me and somehow, bleeding scratches on my hand. He has no marks on him (I guess I didn't hit him as hard as he hit me).

He claims he never hit me apart from the punch after I hit him unprovoked. This is absolutely not true - I have never hit him, ever, without being hit first. The worst I have ever done is push him away when he has been looming over me, shouting in my face. He says he doesn't feel safe around me and that I am not safe to look after our children (i am a sahm). I am aware he is gaslighting me.

I know this makes him sound awful. It doesn't happen often and we have 3 small children. Our relationship is generally good and I would say that apart from these episodes he is respectful of me. I think the violence is probably connected to the alcohol but he won't stop drinking. Please help - I don't know what to do. If this were happening to someone else I would say definitely ltb but it is not someone else... In the past have made our relationship continuing dependent on him cutting back on the alcohol but it never lasts long...

I need your advice - my children are young and it's a big deal to end things... it all looks very dysfunctional written down though.

Agree with EElisavetaOfBelsornia photograph your injuries and agree with everything goddessofsmallthings has written above.

Oh god this is awful.

Call the police. Whilst you have a chipped tooth and a lump on your face.
Call a friend or a member of the family who is nice. Confide in them and have them stay with you if you can.
Call Women's Aid, get advice and support on your rights.
Call a solicitor. Start separation and divorce proceedings.

Doing these things won't make it turn nasty. It has already turned nasty. He has hit you, pushed you whilst pregnant, punched you, hit one of your DCs, been drunk in charge of the kids. Your children see what he does to you, and they will be scared of that. They will also be scared of being hit (again) as one of them already has been- you know what it is like to live that life as a child. Break the pattern now.

You are right, a man punching a woman like that does mean that there is no internal stop valve. External events are the only thing that will stop this- either you take action or it stops when he kills you.

You have equity, you have options, you have education, you have support and help. Use them to get out or get him out of your life. Don't try to make this some comfortable rational narrative in your head. Just make your life a safe place for you and your DC, work out the narrative later.

I'll mention the following so you can see how things could go from the point of view of your DC if you take action now.

When I was about 4, my dad punched my mum so hard he cracked one of her teeth. She picked me up out of my bed and ran round the corner to my nursery, who let us in for the night. I can still remember how scared and terrified she felt as she was holding me and running away.

She taught me a huge thing that night- never to put up with violence from a man, never to put up with a bastard. I have had one boyfriend raise his hand to me- he drew back to slap me and I told him to get out, get out now or I would call the police.

Earlier in our relationship he had confided in me that his dad was an alcoholic when he was little, and that his dad used to beat his mum when he was drunk, for years. So he had learned that domestic violence wasn't a deal breaker, and I learned that it was a deal breaker. I think you already know which lesson you want your children to learn, which one will keep them safer.

Get somewhere safe before it kills you. Get somewhere safe before it damages your DC. Get somewhere safe and it might just wake him up from his alcoholic haze enough to tackle his addiction and rebuild another life one day. If you still have remnants of love for your DP (and no-one would blame you if you don't) the only option you have to do something with that is give him a permanent wake up call by excluding him from your life. But your priority has to be showing love for yourself and your DC by getting somewhere safe.

Have a safe night and good luck.

"I can see the argument for sure but I don't think the children are at risk."

You must act to protect your DC.

You have the power now to protect them right now, by logging this with the police.

But if you don't speak to the police, then you will not be able to control access to your DC. He will have rights to visit them, and you will not be able to stop it until you have evidence that he has hurt your DC.

He might not be violent with them now, but what about as they get older and stand up to him more? What about when you are not there to take his drunken rage out on?

I totally understand the reluctance to involve the police. I carried on trying to split with my abusive ex for years, but I wouldn't involve the police. Eventually other people called the police on him, and once they were involved it made things much easier. Once that bridge had been crossed I realised I should have jumped over it much, much sooner. What was I afraid of? Making it "real" by having to speak to other people about it I think, plus a general distrust of the police. But giving into that fear meant it dragged out for much longer.

The distrust of the police was stupid too. The police are there to help protect you. You are letting your fear of his reaction put you and your DC in worse danger.

Be brave, call the police in the morning, and women's aid too. We'll be here for you.

"Doing these things won't make it turn nasty. It has already turned nasty"

^^ This

By not acting you are making things more dangerous for yourself.

Please don't let him see you brush this under the carpet and give him the green light to get worse next time.

Act now, protect yourself and your DC.

I think the violence is probably connected to the alcohol but he won't stop drinking.

Only in the way that it is a convenient excuse! Being drunk does not cause violence. Violent people cause violence. It is possible that the alcohol is a trigger, but he is a violent bully regardless of his drinking. He can just hide it better while sober.

If he doesn't see this as his problem (blaming you) and won't get help, there is no alternative but to leave.

Next time, he may hit your children, or hurt you even worse than today.

The eldest says daddy is grumpy and mean but we can usually talk her round You are making your child think living life with a bully is normal. Do you want her to be in your situation when she is older? Your children being in bed doesn't mean they don't hear it....

the violence gets worse every time Then think of the worse he can do...hospital for you, death?

The children aren't safe either. If you keep allowing them to live in this environment, you will lose them, because you are failing to provide a safe environment for them. if you can't leave for you, leave for them.

If they could choose I expect they would want their daddy at home. I also expect they wouldn't want to be removed from you, because you cannot keep them safe, I also expect they won't want to be his next victims, I also expect they wouldn't want you dead because you thought they needed dad at home, more than you needed to be safe!

I will tell him tomorrow morning that it is over and he needs to move out. Please be careful with this, op...and have someone else present. Leaving a violent partner is one of THE most dangerous times for a DV victim.

I can see the argument for sure but I don't think the children are at risk YES, they are at risk...of being hurt because of him, of losing you, of losing their home if they are taken from you, of losing each other .

He has smacked one of them once though Is that not enough....Remember op, YOU were that child. And look at what the damage did to you....

You have a visible injury and a chipped tooth from a punch. If even 1 percent of you is considering leaving, then report him to the police. You will regret it so much if you protect him when he's given you a clear way out. He's not going to change and he will be horrendous when you leave him . You need this evidence and you are not this brute's punchbag. What would you want your child to do if they were ever in your shoes (sorry for asking)?

zog my concern is that he won't leave quietly and be amicable. He'll report you. He'll repeat all that toxic stuff about you not being fit to parent. He'll be sober and respectable looking.

Then things will get really nasty, especially for your children.

He gaslights you and then together you gaslight your eldest daughter. Money will sort itself out - but even if you wake up with doubts and read this, the police is still an option. As is a doctor, plus you need to see your dentist anyway.

I'm so sad by how you've internalised this - this 'occasional wife beater' thing. Yhe only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is none. Your abusive addict husband has crossed many, many lines but you can be the one to draw the final line. You can allow yourself to be helped, on behalf of your children. Good luck today.

Totally agree with BoxofSnails. I think this line is very scary.... He says he doesn't feel safe around me and that I am not safe to look after our children (i am a sahm). I am aware he is gaslighting me.

This is the thing that would worry me, he will sober up, look normal and your injuries will fade. Will he keep saying this crap??

You seem a bit too worried about what others will think, etc. I completely get this, I understand why but I am afraid those words would haunt me, 'doesn't feel safe around me ... not safe to look after our children'.

What will he say or do? By not doing something yourself you are running the risk he will do something next. What might that be, get drunk again, hit you again, goad you into hitting him, repeat his comments about how safe he feels you are?

I must go to bed, good luck OP.

Agree with this^

He'll set you a trap so you can look like the aggressor. Be very careful, protect yourself against this.

Go to the police whilst you have physical evidence. Take photographs. My mum said later in life that he wished she had done that. It would have made it easier for her to ensure supervised contact etc with me later.

You may have an expensive legal battle ahead of you. Having evidence of DV on police file may entitle you to claim legal aid.

I know this makes him sound awful. It doesn't happen often and we have 3 small children. Our relationship is generally good and I would say that apart from these episodes he is respectful of me

This is such a shocking and sad line. He's respectful of you? When he chooses to drink, knowing that it triggers violent behaviour, is he being respectful of you? When he endangered your unborn baby how respectful was he being then? He punched you in the face! He doesn't love you and he doesn't respect you. You're kidding yourself so hard it hurts, and you're ignoring the very clear signs that your eldest child totally gets how toxic he is.

You don't think he would harm the children.

You are wrong. You are both harming the children already.
If a neighbour called the police, SS would at the best give you the chance to get out/him to leave or they would remove the children. They are being harmed just being in the house with you.

What if one wakes and sees you? What if one wakes needing the toilet but is too frightened to leave their room? What about injuries?

You don't think he would harm the children.

You are wrong. You are both harming the children already.
If a neighbour called the police, SS would at the best give you the chance to get out/him to leave or they would remove the children. They are being harmed just being in the house with you.

What if one wakes and sees you? What if one wakes needing the toilet but is too frightened to leave their room? What about injuries?

Please consider going to police.

If you don't I have a strong feeling he will say that he should have the children and you are an unfit mother. These men always do. He will say anything to make you stay.

You shouldn't stay and need evidence that it's him who is at fault ,which you will get by calling the police and going to GP. And calling Women''s Aid.

Your friends would want you to tell them.

Op I've not read the full thread but if you can't leave him for yourself, you must leave him for your children. To remove all chance of your relationship being the one they model their own future ones on will be the greatest gift you can ever give them. Imagine one of them being punched by their husband, the fear of reacting so as to keep the peace, it would break your heart to think you staying with your husband may have played a part in normalising this for them.

For what it's worth, I think your hitting your husband is an unconscious way of you avoiding ' having' to leave. He hit you but you hit him too, it's not like you're some battered housewife right? Wrong.

You sound very switched on and practical, I think you're going to have the strength to end this pattern of behaviour because it seems you do believe you and your kids and worth more. You just need to reframe the situation ever so slightly to flick that switch in your head.

I've been in your shoes and I didn't have the courage to call the police either.

However, my 5yo's words gave me the wake up call I needed. She said, "Daddy is so shouty, I think he should move to his own house so the things he says don't hurt anyone's feelings."

My only regret is that I didn't force the separation a lot sooner. Things do definitely not get better, they get worse. You're on the slippery slope and it is the right time to split from your violent and unpredictable partner.

And you need to forget about agreements around his drinking. You need to leave all that stuff to him. The only thing you can control around his drinking is refusing to be around it.

Sorry OP because it's a terrible time for you. You can get through it though, and you can come out the other side, look back and say, "Why the hell didn't I do that sooner?"

You are not in control of this situation because you don't get a say when he will be violent and how violent he will be. Up until now, your children haven't witnessed the violence and you may no have been seriously injured but there's no guarantee that's how it will be in the future.

I have suffered two acts of violence from my Ex, the second resulted in me being briefly unconscious while my 2.5 year old watched on. At the time she described that moment as mummy sleeping, which was reassuring because it didn't sound too bad. However, 6 years later it turns out she thought I was dead but at 2.5 she couldn't articulate it. The flashbacks triggered by her father's recent abandonment has forced her to revisit that very scary moment. I am totally over what he did to me but the I will never forgive him for the struggles that he put DD through but had I stayed, it could have been a lot worse.

As children you and your H were at the mercy of the decisions made by your parents and unfortunately for you both, they made very bad ones. Now your children are at the mercy of the decisions made by you and your H and unfortunately their father has decided to prioritise alcohol, which leaves you.

The only thing not telling anyone and not calling the police will do, is guarantee that there will be a next time. You can't say with any degree of confidence, that the next time won't result in your children not seeing, or you being seriously injured.

You can not protect your H from himself but you can and should protect the mother of his children from him - the time to act is now.

I can understand not wanting to tell the police because it makes it all very real and like there's no going back. I'm afraid that may be exactly what you need. If there is no going back there's only going forward without him. How does that sound as a future to look forward to?

You need to get help.
You are putting him above the welfare of your children.
If the police were called, the children would be 'children in need of protection' because you don't seem to be able to do it (that'll be the childhood in DV)
You must get help.

It would be the best thing you can do for him too. He needs protecting from himself.

Wake up OP.
Do the right thing.
Your children are relying on you.

The verdict on this thread is pretty much unanimous. Do you think you know best?

zig

Your children maybe in bed, but they probably hear some of what goes on. You eldest is at school right and already is aware that daddy is grumpy.....

I would take pictures of your injuries, call the police/women's aid because very soon you may not have that option....your DC could disclose to a teacher at school, your neighbours may hear something and call the police. I say this not to frighten you but what about social services? A social worker would expect you to keep your children safe....both physically and emotionally. Many women have had to leave their DP/DH or they would lose their children.

Stop enabling him. Call the police and have him removed from the home.

Please don't assume your children can't hear/don't know what is going on.
My dads violence to my mum escalated over many years.
From the NSPCC

Children and young people witnessing domestic abuse

Witnessing domestic abuse is really distressing and scary for a child, and causes serious harm. Children living in a home where domestic abuse is happening are at risk of other types of abuse too.

Children can experience domestic abuse or violence in lots of different ways. They might:

see the abuse
hear it from another room
see a parent's injuries or distress afterwards
be hurt by being nearby or trying to stop the abuse.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you have to step in and ensure your childrens future mental and physical wellbeing.

Too many of us are now adults living with the scars of our childhood. You are one of them.

Plus, on the outside chance your H can turn this around and be a better person, the best thing for him is for this to be blown open and make him face the consequences of his actions.

Wishing you all the best

How are you today zog? Hope you got some sleep and are managing to cope with DCs. Is he awake yet?

Hi OP. I'm sorry that you are going through this. It is really important that you get your injuries documented. If you don't want to phone the Police then please go to your GP so they can document it. You need some record of his behaviour other than just your word. My ex was abusive. When we split due to his abuse he took me to court for 50:50 contact with the children (3 and 1 at the time) even though he was seeing them EOW and 2 evenings a week. The law changed in April 2014 and the starting position for contact is 50:50. My ex now hits the children. You need evidence.

Zog,

re your comment:-

"I grew up with my mum's husband beating me up while my mum turned a blind eye"

You cannot afford to keep turning a blind eye now. Your parents ended up teaching you a shedload of damaging lessons, look what you learnt about relationships from them.

You saw violence within the home and your mother taught you how to be co-dependent in a relationship. Two very damaging factors amongst others that also led you into the arms of this alcoholic individual. Its no coincidence you and he are in a relationship because no-one ever bothered to show you or he what a mutually respectful relationship is. This is certainly not it.

Leaving is scary I grant you but being within this is a million times worse for you and your children. Please consider also getting your injuries documented.

How often as a child did you wish to leave or for your mother to actually leave him or even step up and protect you from the violence?. I am so sorry that no-one bothered to protect you but you need to be brave now and do what your mother never did. You have to break the cycle and you can do this.

You need to work further on your own self when you are apart from him and I would suggest you do the Womens Aid Freedom Programme course as well as address your own co-dependency issues through counselling.

Reporting him for dv is the best thing you can do, especially if you are going to separate and get divorced. You will be able to use this for help with solicitors fees, avoid mediation where he will bully and make your life hell, and ensure that the DC are preotected from his drinking during contact.

You will not have an amicable divorce with this man. He already knocks you about and you are both lying to your DC about it. Don't worry about what the neighbours think! A lifetime of watching him drink and then waiting to be hit is no life is it? Don't you think you deserve better? hope you're feeling stronger anyway

Morning zog I hope you managed some sleep?