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Original poster

DP just punched me - what should i do?

305 replies

zogzag · 28/12/2015 00:35

DP has a drink problem, although he won't admit it. He drinks every day, probably about 10 units. If I can get him to stop drinking it is only for a matter of a few days then he starts again.

Every so often, he gets really unpleasant and sometimes violent. He is probably violent about 2 or 3 times a year although the worst it has ever been before now is that he has slapped me once and pushed me once when I was pregnant hard enough to floor me.

I am not pregnant any more (I had the baby, was fine after he pushed me) and today he was moody again. We had a bit of an argument about what to watch on tv - a stupid argument that wasn't about anything serious and shouldn't make someone angry enough to get violent. Anyway, it started with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me out the way. I pushed back and then after he hit me with open hand I hit him back - I don't want to be some meek battered wife who lets her arsehole partner hit her and plays victim. So then he said 'go on then, hit me again', a couple of times, quite aggressively. So I punched him. And he punched me back, hard. I have a lump on the side of my face where he punched me and somehow, bleeding scratches on my hand. He has no marks on him (I guess I didn't hit him as hard as he hit me).

He claims he never hit me apart from the punch after I hit him unprovoked. This is absolutely not true - I have never hit him, ever, without being hit first. The worst I have ever done is push him away when he has been looming over me, shouting in my face. He says he doesn't feel safe around me and that I am not safe to look after our children (i am a sahm). I am aware he is gaslighting me.

I know this makes him sound awful. It doesn't happen often and we have 3 small children. Our relationship is generally good and I would say that apart from these episodes he is respectful of me. I think the violence is probably connected to the alcohol but he won't stop drinking. Please help - I don't know what to do. If this were happening to someone else I would say definitely ltb but it is not someone else... In the past have made our relationship continuing dependent on him cutting back on the alcohol but it never lasts long...

I need your advice - my children are young and it's a big deal to end things... it all looks very dysfunctional written down though.

OP posts:
PeppasNanna · 28/12/2015 01:21

Op. How old are your dc?

elephantoverthehill · 28/12/2015 01:21

Where will you sleep tonight OP? Getting into bed with an abuser seemed to always make it brushed under the carpet and all ok again.

AnnP1963 · 28/12/2015 01:22

One day it will be the kids he hits. Get out now. Phone the police and have him arrested don't worry about words you asked him to hit you...well boohoo he didn't have to. What a pig !!!!!! Move him out now for the sake of your beautiful children.

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:26

I didn't ask him to hit me. Children are 7, 5 and 1. If they could choose I expect they would want their daddy at home.

I can't call the police because it is too much. It is burning a bridge and this is going to be easier if it is as amicable as possible. And I don't want to go through a domestic violence complaint. I guess I am still minimising it but it's the way I can cope with it right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:27

I probably won't go to bed tonight but if I do it will be in the spare room, I won't be getting into bed with him

OP posts:
FastWindow · 28/12/2015 01:29

If the police isnt an option, do you at least have a very large male friend you can call on to be present? I understand the financial problem and it's the reason you will justify delaying sorting this out. 'if i had two grand I'd run and take the kids, itd be easy'

I dont want to scare you but in three months you wont care about the money. Your man is already beyond turning- get out.
Yes, ive been there. And i left it too late.

Maryz · 28/12/2015 01:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coffeeisnectar · 28/12/2015 01:32

You can't have an amicable split with him.

I don't understand why you think your kids want to live like this. Of course they love their dad but they aren't living in a normal household and as they get older they are going to realise this, if the oldest doesn't already.

This isn't about them choosing to have daddy living there. It's about your responsibility to safeguard them.

And how will you feel handing them over for overnight contact? Happy for them to be in his care? Courts won't believe you if there is no evidence of logged abuse. They will see it as you being obstructive.

FastWindow · 28/12/2015 01:34

7 and 5 know daddy is not a nice person and know he hits mummy. Are they happy children? Be honest. Not with us. With your self. Its really hard. I know , believe me.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:35

Just giving my experience - it wasn't burning a bridge. Partner at the time was horrified at what he had done, it was the wake up call that all my ultimatums hadn't been. He gave up drinking totally, and still has now. He told me some time later that being arrested and charged made him finally take it seriously, and if I hadn't done that, he would have felt awful about hitting me but it wouldn't have had the same impact. He goes to AA, and they talk about some people having to hit the bottom before they can stop.

I won't go on about it though. It sounds like you are set on separation - have you got anyone in RL you can tell and get support from?

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:35

I have some money, I think money is not an immediate concern. I thought I had a really good relationship, I feel so stupid. And awful for being in this position I was so definite I would never be in.

I'm not going to delay long. You are all right that I need to do something and I will tell him tomorrow morning that it is over and he needs to move out.

OP posts:
Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:38

no, I have nobody irl. I don't want to deal with the 'i'm really sorry' that will come and it's not a good time of year to involve people. I can manage on my own and with your support, which I really do appreciate.

I think I have to separate. He has done this too many times and I don't believe he will change. The problem is that I have let him do it and it has escalated. Every time I let him stay was saying to him that his behaviour is ok and enabling him.

OP posts:
EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:40

Tomorrow you will be exhausted, he will be remorseful, you will be trying to put on some semblance of normality for the DCs. There's a real risk of letting it slide. Do you at least have someone you can tell who will be on your side, help with DCs, take you to get the injury checked out? Telling a RL person makes it real, and harder to push back under the carpet.

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:40

and I've chipped a tooth

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 28/12/2015 01:41

Hi zig

I just want you to imagine that when he punched you today what would have happened had you fell and knocked your head on the wall cupboard or fell on to the coffee table and broken your neck.

What would happen to your children can you live with the idea of him and his alcohol being the only influence in their lives.

I'm not trying to scare you but the reality is violence can get out of hand very quickly a slap can become a broken nose/ribs, fractured skull in seconds. A push can turn into a fall in a moment.

You can not possibly be in control as much as you (and me in the past) think you can I promise you can't. The only way to stay safe and for your children is to leave so you can be in control.

Good luck

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:42

Sorry, cross post. Time of year not relevant, if it was your friend, sister, daughter you would want to know. If there's really no one, then could you call a support service? Women's Aid?

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:43

I hear you about taking action and telling someone. I can feel it is of course much easier to sweep it under the carpet. I am so shocked that he did this though, I can't see myself doing that.

I think a man punching a woman means there is no barrier, no stop valve and it feels too serious for me to go back to normal. I can see what you are all saying about needing to act and I will.

OP posts:
EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:43

He has chipped your tooth. It's a serious assault, zog. In that moment he meant to do real damage. Don't minimise it.

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:45

it is not fair to involve other people in this. They have their own lives, their own concerns. I can manage, the support on here is invaluable because I need to hear some straight talking.

OP posts:
EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:45

Cross post again. The thing is, he's hit you before. He's pushed you over when you were pregnant. And you're still there tonight. You have to make this a point of no return.

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:45

EElisaveta, you are right

OP posts:
FastWindow · 28/12/2015 01:47

You sound resolved and strong, if resigned to the fact that your biggest disappointment is him. Or your investment in him is now not to be. Sorry about that. But you do have three lovely children, so cut him out for now. You can always redo the contact. Just get them away from him.

Thornrose · 28/12/2015 01:47

I've been where you are, only my neighbours called the police. I convinced them everything was fine and they left us together. I didn't want to get dp in trouble.

After the police left it was ok for a while but eventually there was a repeat of his violent behaviour. That's when I left.

I didn't have MN back then, God how I wish I did. I now realise I wasn't getting him in trouble. He did that all by himself when he assaulted me.

Be very careful. Flowers

mantlepiece · 28/12/2015 01:47

I have a friend who stayed for the children in a similar circumstance to you. It ended when she retaliated and scratched his face. He called the police, she ended up in a cell for the night and a police caution. He had battered her for years. They are now divorced and of course she wishes she had not minimised his behaviour as due to drinking.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:47

I wonder if you are the sort of person who always puts themself last? If you were my RL friend, nothing would be more important than supporting you right now.