DP just punched me - what should i do?

[zogzag]

DP has a drink problem, although he won't admit it. He drinks every day, probably about 10 units. If I can get him to stop drinking it is only for a matter of a few days then he starts again.

Every so often, he gets really unpleasant and sometimes violent. He is probably violent about 2 or 3 times a year although the worst it has ever been before now is that he has slapped me once and pushed me once when I was pregnant hard enough to floor me.

I am not pregnant any more (I had the baby, was fine after he pushed me) and today he was moody again. We had a bit of an argument about what to watch on tv - a stupid argument that wasn't about anything serious and shouldn't make someone angry enough to get violent. Anyway, it started with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me out the way. I pushed back and then after he hit me with open hand I hit him back - I don't want to be some meek battered wife who lets her arsehole partner hit her and plays victim. So then he said 'go on then, hit me again', a couple of times, quite aggressively. So I punched him. And he punched me back, hard. I have a lump on the side of my face where he punched me and somehow, bleeding scratches on my hand. He has no marks on him (I guess I didn't hit him as hard as he hit me).

He claims he never hit me apart from the punch after I hit him unprovoked. This is absolutely not true - I have never hit him, ever, without being hit first. The worst I have ever done is push him away when he has been looming over me, shouting in my face. He says he doesn't feel safe around me and that I am not safe to look after our children (i am a sahm). I am aware he is gaslighting me.

I know this makes him sound awful. It doesn't happen often and we have 3 small children. Our relationship is generally good and I would say that apart from these episodes he is respectful of me. I think the violence is probably connected to the alcohol but he won't stop drinking. Please help - I don't know what to do. If this were happening to someone else I would say definitely ltb but it is not someone else... In the past have made our relationship continuing dependent on him cutting back on the alcohol but it never lasts long...

I need your advice - my children are young and it's a big deal to end things... it all looks very dysfunctional written down though.

Thankyou all. I haven't slept yet, he is up and giving the children breakfast. The baby just threw up all over me and the bed so I have cleaned up and am resting. I will be telling him shortly that he needs to find somewhere else to live.

You are right about the children becoming aware, I know I need to act now.

Wishing you a happy and safe 2016, for you and your DC. You deserve it

Given this man is a violent abuser I suggest you say to him you both need space from each other and he should go and stay with X. He might do that and once he is out, keep him out. Going straight to its over you have to move out will make him dig his abusive heels in.

The thing is, he doesn't have anyone he could stay with. He has no family and he can't stay with my family given what he's done. He has no friends he is close enough to and/or with the space to put him up. I think it may need to be a cheap hotel in the short term and then renting while we decide what to do about finances.

It's not too late to call the police. If you ask him to move out and he kicks off and the police are called, it's likely he will say that you attacked him first and he hit you in self defence. He will then say you are a danger to the children. But you can protect yourself from this with one phone call. Don't warn him.

Those are his problems. He punched you and threatened you.

Morning zog. Great that you've hung onto the decision to split, it's the right thing. It may not be easy to keep it amicable so be prepared for resistance and blame. External support for you is really important, from somewhere like Women's Aid if there isn't a friend you can confide in. We're here for you.

Aww lovey. But they aren't your problems. They became his problem when he first hit you and exposed your dc to abuse.
If he has any remorse in him he will find somewhere - anywhere! tonight to stay and get straight down to the doctors in the morning. If he has any remorse he won't want to subject your dc to anymore of this. Don't listen to his words, watch his actions!

The thing is, he doesn't have anyone he could stay with.

Yeah OP - that's NOT the thing. The thing is that he hits you, it gets worse each time, you are replicating your parents' relationship and are in denial about stopping it.

You say you made it a condition of the relationship continuing if he cut back on the alcohol but then just carried on each time. Thus giving him permission to carry on regardless.

Do you really want your kids to see you being taken out in a body bag? Or worse, to see him attack them when one decides to get in the way?

You need to pick the phone up and report it. You think he will just skip out the door when you tell him it is over? Think on love. Don't let him make you the aggressor here. If he turns on you physically he will do the same when his cosy home is threatened.

Be careful zog, the expense of a hotel will become a reason to stay in the home.

You are not his mother. Not his problem he has no one to stay with. B&B it is. Stop making excuses for the man who has physically attacked you.

Be as good to yourself as you would be to your child if they were being punched by someone who pretended to love them.

Excellent advice. Only I would take it further and apply it to all areas of your life.

All you need to think about right now is today. You have taken a decision to separate because you're not prepared to tolerate being punched. Act on that, get him out. If he won't go voluntarily you have options. Where he goes is his business, he will sort it out. You can do this, you have shown your resolve. Do it for yourself and your children.

my mother stayed with my violent alcoholic stepdad. it affected me to the point where now, almost 30 years later, I am disabled by my mental health. I had a complete breakdown 3 years ago aged 39. I am an alcoholic (sober) and about to finally embark on therapy. I can't work. my life is tiny.

my mother stayed for her own reasons. I'm not suggesting you are anything at all like her - but I am twice divorced and struggle with relationships as I have no self esteem.

head down, push on. he is leaving. where he goes is none of your concern. your older children will have heard the arguing and your youngest will hear the violence if he stays.

look after yourself and your children - I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Hoping all is ok zog

Zogzag thank goodness, you're soo doin the right thing. I am worried, however, that if you tell him, and you're on you're own, that he'll kick off again. This is a very dangerous time.

Can't you ask a friend or neighbour around? Even if it's under the pretence of having a cuppa and a chat, for e.g, just so that you have someone else present when you tell him. He's highly unlikely to assault you if someone else is there but on your own......?

We are all behind you getting rid of this fuckwit though! I can't even refer to him as a man cos he's clearly demonstrated that he's not. And please call the police, get locks changed, get an injunction and all the other great practical advice that has been given.

You need to send a strong message that you're not prepared to put up with this shit anymore. But I really feel you need someone there with you for moral support. I wouldn't want to be doing all of this on my own. Both emotional and practical support are what you need now, and I mean real life, not just on MN. Be strong but don't struggle on alone. Have you rang Women's Aid yet?

You're being very courageous zogzag. You know that this man is abusive, that you're worth much more than him & that you have to leave.
Keep your eyes on the horizon & put this year behind you.
Good Luck

Oh Zog. So sad you cannot see that when he hit you he lost all rights to stay in the home, much less to a good nights sleep and your continuing consideration.

I think we all know that this situation is going to continue a while longer. Feel free to keep posting while you find your courage and your anger.

If you said ok can you watch the kids while I pop along to the police station and make a complaint against you. And he said yup good plan - then and only then would this be salvageable. Because that man would be the one that accepted that he was totally in the wrong and needed help.

Let's hope the next time you'll be able to do it and your kids don't see it or hear it. And you don't fall and hurt yourself more.

There is no way that your kids don't know this is happening. If you stay together they will be the next generation, just like you both are.

Could you at least take yourself to the GP and get it recorded and take photos of the bruises?

Good luck.

The one surefire way of getting him to leave is by you calling the police. He will then have to go and you can get a non molestation court order to keep him away. If you don't report it, and he refuses to go, then what?

He has hit you. He has previously hit your DC. You owe it to them to get him as far away from you and them as possible.

Zog please don't tell him to leave if you haven't got protection from someone or the police. Yes it is indeed a dangerous situation that can potentially escalate. I will only let him know by text when he is out and I have changed the locks or got a police order for him to stay away.
Please do understand that he will be angry and he is most likely to say you are the violent one. I know it from experience. You have acted in self-defence and would not have retaliated if he would not have hit you.
Your side of things matter. You matter. You are the best chance these kids have to live a happy life. Otherwise you fail them. Do act for them. Stop the infamous cycle.

You need to speak to Women's Aid and you have to tell the police too. And you need to do the Freedom programme. If you split, then he has unfettered access to your children. Drunk and violent. If not for yourself then you need to report him because of them.

And you need to do some work on yourself as to why the hell you put up with this because if this carries on then your children will have exactly the same relationship once they are adults.

Haven't read the whole thread, and I'm sure it's already been said - but if you don't report this to the police, then as far as the authorities are concerned, it never happened. You'll hopefully leave him and get yourself and your dc's to safety, but they will still be at risk if there is no record of their df being violent. If it's reported, you can access legal aid and it will be on record that your ex is violent. If it's not, will the courts have any reason not to award him unsupervised access?

It's for everyone's benefit, even his, for you to report it. Now, before the marks heal. Take photos.

OP, I am becoming pretty sure that you are going to let this go, (although I hope I am wrong & will eat humble pie if you do call the police etc)...and you have a right to do that, no one can make you call the police, or make him leave. Sadly.

You are making too many excuses for him.

But you will have to decide soon who is more important to you...him or your kids. Because if they disclose at school, the SS will be around, and will put them at risk. That will mean you have to leave, or you will lose your children.

If they do end up being rehomed, and you later leave, you will have an almighty fight to get them back. Do you want your children to go into care? Do you want them to lose time with you, and perhaps never be reunited with you?

DV doesn't just affect the immediate victim, and it isn't just seen as a crime against the victim anymore. You are failing to provide a safe environment for your children. And that is a massive thing now.

I hope you're alright love, I'll be thinking of you.