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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP just punched me - what should i do?

305 replies

zogzag · 28/12/2015 00:35

DP has a drink problem, although he won't admit it. He drinks every day, probably about 10 units. If I can get him to stop drinking it is only for a matter of a few days then he starts again.

Every so often, he gets really unpleasant and sometimes violent. He is probably violent about 2 or 3 times a year although the worst it has ever been before now is that he has slapped me once and pushed me once when I was pregnant hard enough to floor me.

I am not pregnant any more (I had the baby, was fine after he pushed me) and today he was moody again. We had a bit of an argument about what to watch on tv - a stupid argument that wasn't about anything serious and shouldn't make someone angry enough to get violent. Anyway, it started with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me out the way. I pushed back and then after he hit me with open hand I hit him back - I don't want to be some meek battered wife who lets her arsehole partner hit her and plays victim. So then he said 'go on then, hit me again', a couple of times, quite aggressively. So I punched him. And he punched me back, hard. I have a lump on the side of my face where he punched me and somehow, bleeding scratches on my hand. He has no marks on him (I guess I didn't hit him as hard as he hit me).

He claims he never hit me apart from the punch after I hit him unprovoked. This is absolutely not true - I have never hit him, ever, without being hit first. The worst I have ever done is push him away when he has been looming over me, shouting in my face. He says he doesn't feel safe around me and that I am not safe to look after our children (i am a sahm). I am aware he is gaslighting me.

I know this makes him sound awful. It doesn't happen often and we have 3 small children. Our relationship is generally good and I would say that apart from these episodes he is respectful of me. I think the violence is probably connected to the alcohol but he won't stop drinking. Please help - I don't know what to do. If this were happening to someone else I would say definitely ltb but it is not someone else... In the past have made our relationship continuing dependent on him cutting back on the alcohol but it never lasts long...

I need your advice - my children are young and it's a big deal to end things... it all looks very dysfunctional written down though.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 28/12/2015 01:49

Are you safe talking here?

elephantoverthehill · 28/12/2015 01:50

Dear Zog posters are 'straight talking' to you. We can only advise by our experiences. I think everyone is giving their best advice.

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:51

Thankyou, I am safe. He is not a habitual wife beater, more of an occasional one.

I'm being flippant. I don't like creating drama and I don't like being in the centre of drama. I will deal with it irl on my own and it will be ok.

OP posts:
EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 01:54

Will you check in and let us know how you are? I will be worried about you.

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:55

Thankyou, I will. It is kind of you all to share your experiences and your advice, it has been really helpful.

OP posts:
Atenco · 28/12/2015 01:56

Oh OP, you have let this continue because unfortunately that is what you grew up with. Now that you have decided to put an end to it, you will be saving your children from repeating their parents' mistakes.

And yes, think about reporting this incident to the police, because it might serve as a wake-up call for him or, if it doesn't, it will help to keep your children safe from a violent alcoholic

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:57

I know it looks like I am minimising but I'm trying to deal with this the best I can

OP posts:
FastWindow · 28/12/2015 01:58

Flippant is how i dealt with it.

Its minimising. A lot.

You're brilliant for telling us whats going on. Have you rtft back? 'reality check'?

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 01:58

What is awful is that he hasn't spoken to his parents for years because his dad was a violent alcoholic and his mum an enabler Sad

OP posts:
Thornrose · 28/12/2015 01:58

I don't doubt that you will deal with it zog. I dealt with it too. When the shit hit the fan my family were deeply hurt that I didn't share with them what was going on.

The reason I didn't share was that I felt it would affect the way they related to ex dp. I was worried they would show that they disliked him when they knew what he had done.

Once you share it's a point of no return. In hindsight I know that's a good thing. I wish you could share this with one person in RL.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 02:00

It's normal to feel overwhelmed in a situation like this. It's not a drama and it's not of your making. Take it steadily, you will be fine.

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2015 02:02

Agree with all the wise posters. Especially Maryz and co saying paper trail.

Does he drink in charge of kids, to excess I mean, would he if you were not there?

He chipped your tooth, not you.

FastWindow · 28/12/2015 02:03

zog do you see the pattern?

You do.

He knows. And he is putting you in the enabler role.

FastWindow · 28/12/2015 02:05

Learned that behaviour off his dad.

fidel1ne · 28/12/2015 02:08

Some police involvement might be the shock he needs to straighten out. or it won't.

But unless he gets a shock, nothing will get better, it will get worse. You know that's true.

Imagine how this will play out and how things will look in 2 years, 5 years, 10.

You're already 'jollying' your DD out of her appropriate reaction.

You can be the parent who saves your DC from the pattern.

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 02:09

I look on this board quite a lot and I know you all have wise things to say.

It makes sense about telling someone as a way of keeping my resolve. That's not why I'm not telling them; I have a difficult relationship with my family because of the abuse growing up and I was really scapegoated. I don't want to be the one who's in trouble again - that is not how I want to see myself and I don't think it will be helpful for me here. Of course my family would be there if I needed them but I don't want to need them.

I think dp would definitely drink in sole charge of the children but only in the evenings, and not necessarily so they would be at risk. It may not be an issue anyway, I don't know if he would even want the children overnight if he could see them when he wanted during the day.

I don't think I would need a paper trail but I think if I start involving the police it will be worse for everyone because things will get very nasty. I can see the argument for sure but I don't think the children are at risk. He has smacked one of them once though (I know, red flag) and I was very angry with him for it.

OP posts:
fidel1ne · 28/12/2015 02:14

You are sailing the ship your DC are on zog.

You have a lot of power to give them a wonderful start in life.

You can sail away from your childhood and choose to sail away from any abusive dynamic you find yourselves in. You won't be 'in trouble' by the time anyone learns of this. You'll be a strong woman and mother striding away from trouble. If you choose that.

What about the practicalities if you split for a time? Housing? Work? Money?

Thornrose · 28/12/2015 02:14

Do you have a friend you can confide in zog?

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 02:17

Oh zog. If someone who gets violent when drinking, drinks in sole charge of children then they are placed at risk. You can't deal with this in a nice, quiet, middle class consensual way. It's gone beyond that, because his behaviour has gone way beyond. What if your 7 year old wakes and is argumentative with her father when he's been drinking? What if the baby won't settle?

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 02:22

I do have friends I can confide in but I don't want to until I have sorted out what is happening in my head. I think in the short term at least I could stay in our house with the children and at a stretch we could maybe buy a smaller place for dp. We have a lot of equity in the house and a manageable mortgage.

OP posts:
fidel1ne · 28/12/2015 02:24

Well that's good. Equity gives you options.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 02:28

I am going to check in on you in the morning zog. Please do one thing now - take some selfies of the lump, bruising, chipped tooth. Keep these - not so much evidence as a boost to your resolve not to let this slide.

Thornrose · 28/12/2015 02:31

I just feel I've been where you are. I'm trying to think what would've helped me back then.

All the best. Flowers

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 02:37

Thankyou all, I really mean that. I will come back and let you know I am ok.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 28/12/2015 02:52

I know he is a kind man and he loves his children

A man who hits women and children is not kind and your dcs' father loves the bottle far more than he loves them.

Since it appears that you have no intention of involving the police or making a formal complaint against your h, I would urge you to at least have your injuries (lump on face and the chipped tooth) documented by a health professional asap. Go to an out of hours clinic, or to your GP's surgery on Tuesday, and rest assured that you won't be pressured to report the matter to the police.

It could be that the scales will finally drop from your eyes when you tell him to leave as it's highly unlikely that he will comply with your request in the interest of keeping it "amicable". Before you tell him, prime your mobile to dial 999 and don't hesitate to press the call button when/if he kicks off.