It's all gone weird.

[Notwhatiexpected]

Not sure if this is the correct section, looking for advice, I will make a long story short. My husband is having the most crazy midlife crisis. He was weird, shifty and secretive for a couple of years, I thought he was had another woman, turns out HE was the other woman.

So now he is both man and woman apparently, doesn't want surgery or anything.

And now I know about that, he then tells me he thinks I should find a boyfriend, as it isn't fair that his decision to embrace his feminine side means I don't fancy him.

Anyway this idea he had, of my getting a boyfriend (which I haven't) appears to be really for his benefit. The idiot has decided he is into cuckolding (I had to google) He is walking around all turned on because he thinks I might be willing to let him dress as a French maid and serve me and my imaginary boyfriend tea.

I feel like I am going mad, I half expect Louis Theroux to pop over and narrate my life.

We have 2 kids, 7 and 4 and he is a great dad (outside of the weird stuff which they never see). He earns all the money. We have been together for 17 years, I am 37, he 42.

WTF would you do? One thing I am certain about is that I don't feel enormously respected, he loves me, but.

I don't know, but I would be quite surprised if this were a midlife crisis....

"“I hope you will be happy.” That’s what thrown-over wives are supposed to say—what better mirror to hold up to a husband’s faithlessness? To her, I am sacrificing our family for a panty-hosed version of a typical male midlife crisis, abdicating relationships and responsibilities to roar off on the Harley-Davidson of transsexuality (the metaphor is hers) toward a fluffy pink Shangri-la of self-centered gratification.

But I don’t see myself in her bitter mirror, because I’m not transitioning for the sake of happiness. I have no illusions that becoming a jobless, homeless approximation of a middle-aged woman is a recipe for bliss. This isn’t a typical male midlife crisis—it’s a typical transsexual midlife crisis."

www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/05/transgender-woman_n_1311562.html

Someone posted a link above to my blog. I recieved a message from Wordpress saying my views had spiked, followed the link and here I am.
OP, plenty of the Mumsnetters here have given you sound advice. Please heed it. Nobody expects you to resolve this overnight. And I know from experience that you may likely vascillate in your resolve. The thought of starting anew, the little niggling doubt about whether your own reaction is proportional ( propped up with a lingering hope that maybe this really is "just a phase" and he will "get over it") could keep you in this situation for years. And with each year that passes, your self worth and confidence in your ability to make decisions and to stand your ground will be bled away by this twisted, porn-sick fetishit. Don't let him kid you that you owe him some kind of sympathy by laying his porn addicted fetishism on some kind of "gender issue"..hahahaha - oh if I had a quid for every time that convenient excuse has been rolled out. And just say this really is a "gender issue". So he thinks "woman" is associated with submission, humiliation, and "cuckholding"? That's a pretty fucked up opinion of women don't you think? And before anybody chimes in with "oh maybe its because he is shamed by his "gender confusion" - Bull. Shit.
Your husband is a common or garden transvestite who has let his fetish take over his life. He has zero respect for you or your marriage. I'd bet that you being dependent on him is the best scenario for him since he knows you can't just kick his arse and his creepy collection of wanked in clothes out on the street without a second thought.
Please believe me, this won't get better. You need to tell him to leave. And mean it. You need to make sure you have support around you from friends who can see through his manipulation and abuse (yes, it is abuse to gaslight and guilt trip you with lies and veiled threats of self-harm). He is not a good man. You do not deserve this in any way. A healthy relationship cannot be built on this foundation.
And don't feel bad about kicking him out. He will bounce back. In fact, if you check his internet or phone I can pretty much garantee that despite him implying to you that you are so special because he can reveal this "thing" he has kept hidden for si long to you, you will find he has been talking to others (yes, women too) about his "needs" for quite some time. With my ex torturer, I found out he had been using fetish sites and "support sites" for years looking for a woman to play his games with. Why else do you think my ex torturer was in a new relationship two weeks after he finally deigned to gtf out of my home after literally years of me asking him to? He had been grooming a little coterie of sympathetic young(er) women for years with his story of gender disphoria and a bitch of an abusive partner who denied him his path to his "true self". So a couple years down the line he's perfectly happy with his life of unfettered porn access, a burgening collection of fetish gear and membership of the local fetish club. So your husband will be fine, OP. Don't fall for the tears or the gaslighting that somehow you are partly to blame. You are not. You have been unluck to be lumbered with a man who loves his errection far, far more than he ever loved you.
I have heard your story many times. You are not alone. There are many of us. And despite what "sex positive" fools say, you don't need to accept his weirdness. You set your boundary and stick to it. You can dm me if you wan't.

Nae excellent blog post

Gee, thanks. blushes

NAEfeartie - your blog touches so many important topics (I also shared it with some of my FB friends).

Thanks for being honest and writing down your experience.

I know few men who are on the fetish scene - they would say themselves it is all to fulfill their needs and that they will do it at all cost. If that wasn't the case there would not be work all those professional Mistresses.

This kind of involvement and investment on OP's dh's side is not midlife crisis. It is often realisation that "if not now then when?" He will at all cost try to keep his wife by his side because she is very useful. He is deluded though because you can't force anyone to be by his side if they have got no interest in the fetish he enjoys.

Very true, antimatter. His wanting to keep her is entirely for his own personal use as a prop to his obsession. He needs a participant - it's part of his living his fantasy made real. But with these men, it's not the relationship that's at the centre. Who acts as the prop is irrelevant as long as they play his game. It's dehumanising to say the least.

what do you WANT to do?

It is a lot to take in by OP. I don't envy her at all!

You can't even by philosophical about it if all is happening under your own roof. That's why a huge degree of physical separation is required for her to sort her head out.

He might have been involved sexually with Mistresses or other people on the scene. If he can afford he may be going to clubs at the same time as doing his business trips, staying in hotels etc. There are clubs all over country. Perhaps less so in Scotland, more in SE/London area.
Sauna type of places, swingers clubs have bondage rooms, private clubs and parties weekly, midweek daytime or evenings - if one is willing to one can find a lot of venues, pretty much for catering for all tastes.

The scene is full of unscrupulous and mentally unstable people that's why having wife/husband/partner to contribute to their play and games is safer for fetish lovers.

IMHO all is like a parallel universe to the rest of us and very hard to relate to.

OP naefeartie has done great advice. I hope it helps.

naefeartie welcome to Mumsnet. We have been loving your blog here for a while.

NAR -- well said. I wish there were many, many more people like you out there posting.

OP he is playing mind games with you, with going AWOL and accusing you of mind games.

Do not pander to his manipulation.
So he disappears for a while. Report him to the police as missing.
He goes off on a trip and doesn't get in touch. Take note of how long he maintains radio silence. Do not mention the lack of contact. He is fishing for your attention.
He seems very depressed? Call his doctor and make him go for an appointment. If suicidal, call police. They will take him to A&E for assessment.
So there will be major drama after you tell him to fuck off? Tell him you are sorry he feels that way. Repeat as needed. Practice folding your arms across your chest and holding your head slightly to one side.

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Always remember that. He will say anything and do anything to get what he wants. He will always be his own number one priority here and he will throw you and your children under any and all necessary buses to get whatever he wants. You need to get very single minded about your own and your children's finances and your own and your children's emotional safety.

he is always going to be the father to our children and I hope I can keep this savoury for their sake.
How savoury this remains is entirely up to him, OP. You cannot exert any control over how this pans out. The more you try to control his responses to you, keep him sweet, the more power you give him. The desire to control is actually keeping your options limited and keeping you predictable for him. Trying to have the illusion of control (because there can never actually be control) is shooting yourself in the foot.

Instead of focusing on 'midlife crisis' maybe have a rummage around this very comprehensive website samvak.tripod.com/faq18.html owned and authored by Sam Vaknin.

samvak.tripod.com/entitlement.html -- an interesting section.

I wouldn't waste any time trying to understand this or meet him halfway - just leave him and move on.

You don't owe it to him to try to understand why he needs to do this, any more than you would if he'd been a serial adulterer or a wife beater. And you certainly don't owe it to him to embrace the whole thing by playing along in the character he has assigned you in his weird and self indulgent little fantasy world.

He has moved the goalposts in your marriage to an unacceptable place - that's all you need to know. Just walk away.

Hi, thank you so much for all the advice and support, I really am grateful.

You all know what I need to do, I just have to grow a pair of balls and get on with it (please excuse the pun, gallows humour etc.)

Thank you .

Get yourself a counsellor -- he is a gaslighter and a manipulator and you will need someone to help clear the fog he will try to generate.

Try to get used to using the words ME and I instead of WE and US when you think about the future.

You don't have to pander to his manipulations.

You can say "Yes, I am going to do my thing. I may get a BF and then I may not. It's not of your business. If I go out I may meet with a BF but then I may meet with my friends".

This way you go and do your own thing but remove his control from it and his fantasies won't be fulfilled.

Take control and do your own thing but without his input.
Don't get into signing to online forums or him knowing what you do.

Start living your own life. You may still be under the same roof and he can still stay great dad he is. This doesn't have to change.

You can however emotionally disassociate yourself from him and start building your own life.

How are you doing today Notwhatiexpected?

NAEfeartie your blog post was very interesting, if also very sad and appalling, and I am sure helpful to some readers in real life situations. Helping people know they are not alone and to know what they might expect. I read it a while ago and re read it today. Thank you for sharing; it must have been very hard to write.