It's all gone weird.

[Notwhatiexpected]

Not sure if this is the correct section, looking for advice, I will make a long story short. My husband is having the most crazy midlife crisis. He was weird, shifty and secretive for a couple of years, I thought he was had another woman, turns out HE was the other woman.

So now he is both man and woman apparently, doesn't want surgery or anything.

And now I know about that, he then tells me he thinks I should find a boyfriend, as it isn't fair that his decision to embrace his feminine side means I don't fancy him.

Anyway this idea he had, of my getting a boyfriend (which I haven't) appears to be really for his benefit. The idiot has decided he is into cuckolding (I had to google) He is walking around all turned on because he thinks I might be willing to let him dress as a French maid and serve me and my imaginary boyfriend tea.

I feel like I am going mad, I half expect Louis Theroux to pop over and narrate my life.

We have 2 kids, 7 and 4 and he is a great dad (outside of the weird stuff which they never see). He earns all the money. We have been together for 17 years, I am 37, he 42.

WTF would you do? One thing I am certain about is that I don't feel enormously respected, he loves me, but.

"You are not a gender-bender's sex toy" that made me laugh properly. Thanks!

"look at me having loads of amazing kinky sex, I'm sooooooooo kinky, of course nobody has to share my desires because choicy choice choiceness, but, y'know, normal boring old vanilla sex is so yesterday, all sexual choices are valid, PLUS anybody disagreeing with me is a big old prude".

just absolutely that. tired of it all tbh. just a pile of old crap used to excuse totally unacceptable behaviour, and getting worse.

The counsellor may be getting a kick out of it all too.

afussyphase - yes it is a kink. Nothing more, nothing less. Being critical is not being "sex negative". The OP is allowed to reject it outright, she doesnt have to be understanding or pander to his selfish fetish.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0671j78/the-scandalous-lady-w

Your Husband sounds like the husband watching his wife be shagged, through the key hole, whilst he is having a wank.

I am just scared to be honest, of all the challenges of being on my own with the kids. I have muffed up enormously with allowing him to be the sole breadwinner, and don't have parents etc around to help.

Also bloody terrified that either he will go mad and start stoating around town in a frock, or that I press the divorce button and he goes back to normal in 6 months with all the benefits of our time building his career/business and me as muggins left holding the babies.

NB. If I didn't think he was a good dad I would have skipped away before now.

I feel like I am going mad you are not gong mad, you are experiencing what other women have experienced in this scenario. Some learn to live with it and their husbands become 'women' full time or part-time or whatever, some get out.

You decide what is right for you.

Just make sure you and your kids are supported and you are well looked after while you continue to care for your children. Look into the opportunities for you work wise but make sure your husband lives up to his responsibilities.

Don't get any boyfriend until you want one!

The fact that he wants to encourage you to get a boyfriend so he can dress up as French maid and serve tea is sickening, he has crushed your life and seems to want to replace it with some sort of lurid 'Carry on' movie! I think you definitely do not want him to do this and that is why feel you are being eaten alive. You realise how ridiculous it is.

Some older women seem to stay together with their husband maybe because they don't know what else to do. But because you are young I think you are too young to allow him to do this to you because you do have options still.

Not all transgender people are the same and those who identify early as trans may be different from those who identify later. One word to describe the condition is 'autogynephilia' you can read more at...

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blanchard's_transsexualism_typology

The best place I have found to read about all this is on Facebook in a group called 'Discussing gender critical & gender identity'.

This has not happened to me or anyone I know but I am involved with a group learning more about LGBT issues and the trans element has come up so I did some reading on the subject.

This cuckolding thing seems to be, not common, but definitely there. Apparently it is to do with humiliation mixed with pride and impotence to do anything.

Sadly I live in a town where handsome normal men are rare enough, let alone trying to find one who would want to get involved in this quagmire of hideous. Ugghh.

All this has killed my sex drive stone dead.

What Garlicake and Bertiebotts said.

Can I ask to call his bluff a little, what does this mean?

Re I have absolutely lost all confidence in my decision making ability Please find some support for you, someone who will give you back your confidence and support you unconditionally whatever you decide to do. This must be very tough as you may well not know who to confide in. I hope you can find some people in real life and also be able to speak to us, if you wish to.

AIBU is not the place to post this stuff, you get all kinds of views and people not being very nice.

Relationships is better.

I think that one of the worst disservices ever done to transgendered folks, is grouping them in together with weekend gender fuckers. Hubby hasn't become 'half man, half women' he's come out about his kink.

Attempting to impose his kink upon you without your consent is abusive. Drop the counselling, put him in the spare room and find a savage solicitor.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. He needs a little bit less understanding and a little bit more being told to 'fuck off'.

I think you need to make him leave, so you can concentrate on looking after yourself and the kids

It's not about him being a good dad, it's about him being a shite husband.

If you're staying because of financial dependence, could you move somewhere cheaper and retrain?

Cuckolding. Oh god OP, if this is a real thread then please for the sake of your sanity and dignity, hold your head up and walk away.

But before you do, try and get as much undeniable proof of what he is asking of you. Because it will be denied if it goes the Divorce route. If that's the life he wants to lead, he can do. But not with the mother of his children putting on a sleazy show for him to get off on while he watches in a dress. Pull yourself up, get your proof of what he wants and who he really is- and free yourself of this man now!

I do not necessarily agree with this blog but what is interesting is that there are numerous people commenting in the comments section and some sound like they have similar worries and concerns to you.

It would be relatively easy to set up an anonymous email account and make contact with people just to talk, you could see if a UK support group exists.

thetransgenderpartner.wordpress.com/my-partner-is-transgender-mtf-so-what-now/

No useful advice that others haven't already suggested, but I wanted to thank you for 'stoating around town in a frock'.

You have a wonderful way with words.

Based on his gross dishonesty and the fact that he has used you as a beard for all these years and now wants to use you as a prop for his fetish, with no regard for your 'right to reject' or your right as a woman to expect certain basic foundations to lie beneath what you thought was a heterosexual relationship, I would drain the joint account of your half of the money, and also take half the savings, and find yourself the best solicitor you can lay your hands on.

Drop the counselling, put him in the spare room and find a savage solicitor.
Yep.

But before you do, try and get as much undeniable proof of what he is asking of you. Because it will be denied if it goes the Divorce route. If that's the life he wants to lead, he can do. But not with the mother of his children putting on a sleazy show for him to get off on while he watches in a dress. Pull yourself up, get your proof of what he wants and who he really is
And YYY to this. Do not leave yourself vulnerable to any attempt to portray you as a cheating wife, or the instigator of any dodgy threesomes.

All you have to look forward to in this situation is ever more sickening selfishness and self absorption; he is already performing the part of emotional vampire if he is letting you provide support and understanding for him. If and when you decide to split you may find that the selfishness transforms into denial and meanness and self pity, so you will need a really good solicitor. Be ready to be shown a very angry man when he realises you have finally rejected him.

Resist the 'normalisation' attempt you have encountered. You need to put yourself first and foremost and harness whatever anger you have felt so far. You do not owe this man any support or understanding. He owes you a massive apology for his years and years of deceit, and he owes his children an apology too. He owes you support in every sense of the word.

Well it matters not what he is or isn't, what matters is he continues to put his new hobby first over you. He continues to think his new (weird, sexual) needs trump yours.
It's just selfish twattery in a frock with a hard on.

I think it's really clear that you do reject those aspects of him. And it's perfectly fine to say in session 'oh, that's not for me' and actually mean it.

I'd bet the counsellor ( I'm one too) is sat there being all supportive (only while you continue to try very hard to make the relationship work) but is also thinking thank fuck my dh isn't such a selfish twat/wonder what this woman is going to want to do.

At the moment she's supporting you as a couple as you're turning up to session together making it a goal that you want to try to stay together. Once you've decided this new bloke isn't for you (which your perfectly entitled to do) then the contents of the session will change. Maybe you'll move on to practical matters like splitting up, mourning the relationship, maybe you'll even get to work through some of the totally understandable anger you feel.

There's just one thing ( and I may be totally off so just ignore it if you think it's bollocks) - there's a suggestion in your post that he may be putting it on and will 'go back'. I've seen this happen before ( not with gender fluidity) but as another mid life crisis type of thing as the man of the couple trying something out but with the underlying desire to leave/ opt out of marriage, family but not wanting to say that and pretending all sorts of shite because his self concept was so tied up in being a 'good family Man'. He tried to bring in other women to the relationship (literally move them in claiming polyamory) before wifey had enough and he then entered a totally straight relationship again, got married and had kids. Just be really sure to have your paperwork in order (taps nose) before you decide. And keep your cards close to your chest.

I suppose it is possible for a relationship like he describes to work, as long as both (all three!) parties are happy with the setup. But you're not. And you don't have to be. I would be talking to him about the fact that you have no interest in a boyfriend on the side, and certainly not with him hanging around watching. Unless he's able to drop this and move on, I think you don't have much option but to separate.

I echo the above posters about getting support for you, and resisting being forced to "normalise" this when you don't want to. He's making a fundamental change to your marriage and he doesn't get to unilaterally decide that you must be OK with that.

this site might have some useful reading for you, it is written by someone who was in your situation and there is some powerful stuff there that might help you. Good luck

This is your "d"h trying to live his fantasies.
You need a lawyer to advise you how to record what you told us so that in the court you will be awarded what you deserve.

Most men who turn to love their kink fantasies are extremely selfish. So is he.

Hiding his sexusl preferences for 15 years is so wrong I am lost for words.
He can do what he enjoys in his bedroom but you are under no obligation to join and approve.

I had an xp with the very same issues/tastes as your h. I spoke to the Beaumont society and tried to make it work but in the end I just couldn't do it. He destroyed my self esteem and sense of worth. I got sick of not being enough for him.

I wish you luck op. Feel free to pm me x

'I got sick of not being enough for him.'

^^This.

A man who is capable of such comprehensive deceit for so long will make it very clear to you that you are not enough, and there will be no way to put a dent in his already amply demonstrated certainty that other people were put on this earth just to serve his needs.

You don't have to be "cool" with anything you're not cool with. God it makes me furious, all this [waves arms].

We're all into whatever we're into, I have some pretty odd fantasies myself and that's all fine but I haven't been fucking married for 15 years before I've disclosed. Having a cuckold fetish is one thing, expecting your wife to actually fuck someone else while watching is taking that fantasy and rubbing it all up in your face - and not in a good way.

He won't "go back to normal" in 6 months - this isn't how sexual fetishes work. He might pretend that he's "gone back to normal" but this is a part of him....or he's a terribly abusive cunt who is trying everything to get out of this marriage - either way you've got to GTFO.

He is obviously being incredibly selfish, not necessarily to come out about his gender but to expect you to participate in his kinks as you obviously don't want to. Like any sex, consent and mutual enjoyment are paramount. And it seems from your OP that he is taking it way,way too much,too fast.
I completely agree with others, the counsellor shouldn't be so "sex positive" as to deny how yucky this feels for you and to effectively bully you into having sex you don't want! Maybe tell your husband you need a complete break from talking about it, from any sex, and find a counsellor just for you.