It's all gone weird.

[Notwhatiexpected]

Not sure if this is the correct section, looking for advice, I will make a long story short. My husband is having the most crazy midlife crisis. He was weird, shifty and secretive for a couple of years, I thought he was had another woman, turns out HE was the other woman.

So now he is both man and woman apparently, doesn't want surgery or anything.

And now I know about that, he then tells me he thinks I should find a boyfriend, as it isn't fair that his decision to embrace his feminine side means I don't fancy him.

Anyway this idea he had, of my getting a boyfriend (which I haven't) appears to be really for his benefit. The idiot has decided he is into cuckolding (I had to google) He is walking around all turned on because he thinks I might be willing to let him dress as a French maid and serve me and my imaginary boyfriend tea.

I feel like I am going mad, I half expect Louis Theroux to pop over and narrate my life.

We have 2 kids, 7 and 4 and he is a great dad (outside of the weird stuff which they never see). He earns all the money. We have been together for 17 years, I am 37, he 42.

WTF would you do? One thing I am certain about is that I don't feel enormously respected, he loves me, but.

he goes back to normal in 6 months with all the benefits of our time building his career/business and me as muggins left holding the babies
This happens to women all the time. Not the 'man in a frock' stuff but the 'done out of work, home, status, financial support, left with the children' etc.
Its crap but its better than living with a man who wants to wear a dress while he watches you have sex with another bloke.

Morning all. It looks like the OP would like this moved into Relationships so we're going to do that now. Good luck with it all, OP. Hope you manage to come to a decision you're happy with.

It's fine for you to be wanting to be kind and non-judgmental about his choice of lifestyle, but you are under absolutely no obligation to allow him to impose those choices on you. Get counselling for you, alone, to help you sift through your own feelings and options.

I don't think you need to worry about gathering evidence of what he's doing - you have obvious grounds for divorce and his behaviour will make no difference to the settlement. It's the details of your/his assets and income etc. that will be important.

Kick him out.

He is only interested in number 1 and doesn't give a dam what you think.

Hello,

Thanks for all the help and advice. With regard to divorce, I live in Scotland (hence the phrases like stoating about etc) and up here it is always no fault, so no need for evidence gathering etc.

In calling his bluff, what happened was on Christmas Day eve, he sat with me all corseted and frocked getting jiggly because I agreed to join Ashley Madison. It was awful. All I did was have a convo with a chap in an arranged marriage where I told him to get a babysitter and go out with his wife. Very sad blokes there.

My plan with the site was, and I discussed this with the one girlfriend I trust, to pretend to husband that I was going to meet someone, but really go to her house, phone his mum, take pics etc to prove I was there. In my head this was supposed to be a massive wake up call to him, he would snap out of it, we would all live happily ever after without my getting any nasty v diseases.

This am I told him how unhappy I am, that I don't want to be his sex accessory. I said I was going to move to the spare room and we should cool it with our relationship. I want to stay living together for now, to support him whilst he decides where/who he is.
He was apologetic, but within the realms of "I was only trying to fix us, make you happy" he even had the gall to make out this was all my thing, and that he was just going along with it to make me happy. And he again mentioned how much he is working hard to fix this, about how he was letting me go away for a weeks holiday with our friends whilst he stays at home. (I am only going because he is going away to dress up like a lady and visit museums on his own, and on a work trip to Texas). But no, that's not my getting something to make things even, I don't get even, I get to be grateful, in his mind.

We are now cleaning the house, him upstairs, me downstairs.

I am really sorry tobsay this bu agreeing to this:
I want to stay living together for now, to support him whilst he decides where/who he is
is only going to make it worst for you.
This may take years!!!! Your self esteem will dive head down.
Make a proper break and tell him to move out.
You both need some space or you will suffer nervous breakdown.
Don't sacrifice your well being to faciliate his fantasies. It's his responsibilities to do it.

Lots of back tracking, gas lighting, denial, projecting, revisionist stuff going on with him now.

He really is in la la land. I think that you have been sucked in a bit by the counsellor - listen to your gut, to your friends to MN - this is fucked up selfish kink that his is emotionally abusing and manipulating you will.

I hope you find the strength and focus to get you and your children out of this asap.

He is what he is. He has lied to you all of your relationship and has been doing this all his sexual life. He will not change or repress it - he just wants more of it.

You need one to one help from someone experienced in this area.

Whether he is coming to terms with being trans or gender fluid is a separate issue from how he is treating you. You can want to support him on that side of thingfs, whilst having your own boundaries. His comments in your latest post about this being to try a f "fix" your relationship on top of encouraging you to join a website like this demonstrates this is not about his gender but about fulfilling fantasies. You cannot be expected to live in a sexual fantasy to please him.

Had to Google cuckolding. I knew what the word meant but I wanted to see for myself what you were dealing with in terms of it being a fetish.
Jesus. So basically it's about pure objectification and ownership of the wife, because the subtext is that if the husband decided he didn't want his wife with another guy, well then she'd have to stop wouldn't she, or face his retaliation/wrath as per a usual cuckholded husband. Can't escape the implications that the husband feels he's being benevolant towards his "property". What is pernicious about this fetish, as far as I read, is the husbands smacking their lips in glee at getting their "proper and dignified" wives to succumb to their fetish. Bit of the old madonna/whore complex thrown in there for good measure.
Urgh. GET RID.

I haven't managed this last episode well though. He is upset now because he feels I tricked him, letting him think I might be into it, but not really. I should have said NO from the off with this whole boyfriend thing.

He is frustrated because he feels it is hard for him to confess, then he thinks we cycle, where I am ok with it for a few days, then freak out and don't want to.

I can see why he thinks this, but I honestly don't think I can just tell him to F off, without it being a major drama. He has gone awol before now, seemed so depressed I have worried for his safety.

He is manipulative, and self absorbed, but I genuinely don't think he sets out to be like that. His gender issues are longstanding apparently, he has felt this way since childhood. I just hope this is the "pink fog" I have read about.

He isn't going to be a good husband, and I have gotten myself into a rotten situation. But he is always going to be the father to our children and I hope I can keep this savoury for their sake.

you tricked him???

Wtaf???

I vote for a quick blood let. Itz going to be messy. I think you are looks ng/waiting for a dignified/respectful/friendly way out. There iznt one. Get it over with ASAP

You need to read this blog. The author is also Scottish and is incredibly talented. The blog heading is "your fantasy is my nightmare".
Why should fantasies be catered for if they violate and harm another person- usually the wife?
I'm sure at the very least you will find her blog fascinating.

naefearty.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/gas-mark-six/comment-page-2/#comment-479

What you just said tells me that you will be better off apart than together.

Yes, he has his hopes high to not having to change his situation much and is expecting you to change.

Just be honest and tell him that you aren't interested. It will be kinder to both of you.

Another way to look at it is that he is finally honest with his desires and hopes. He lied to you for 15 years. He expects you to change your preferences overnight?
He is childish and deluded.
Even if you had desires similar to his it would take you months if not years to decide what's right for you. He expects you to do the catching up with him in a matter of weeks.

That's why you have to be apart. The longer you stay under tge same roof the more unhappy bith of you will be.

Please don't play any games just sit him down and tell him you want to separate.

The author of that blog likened how her relationship unfolded to the boiling frog scenario, as each boundary was broken down and violated over time. Judging by your last post this process has already eggy in this marriage. You tricked him Jesus wept.

Already begun*

What a great blog!
It is likely that your dh is a crossdresser and he gets sexual kick out of all that.

You will just be a tool to fulfill his fantasies.
Leave him or you will get depressed

Reading that blog, I am definitely not in quite as bad a situation as that poor chick, we are much further back down the line; but it is absolutely spot on. Really I feel like she has my thoughts on paper.

THANK YOU. Nice to know I am not crazy. Xx

You need to get rid of him, gaslighting and projecting you like that is bad for you.

He is upset now because he feels I tricked him

He makes me absolutely sick. How dare he do this to you. Not only this sexual fetish bullshit, but to emotionally manipulate you as well? Making you feel bad? Fuck this guy. Despicable selfish behaviour.

No experience with a DH wanting to be a woman thankfully ( nothing would surprise me now though!) But do have experience of dh suddenly wanting to try more kinky stuff similar to what you posted but without the French maid bit. Chances are he's probably concocted this 'fantasy' as a legitimate way to see/ experience some cock, sorry. I may be wrong and your Dh may not be into men in any way but ' cuckolding' is quite a specific term. I presume he already uses trans websites but I would try and search his phone for swinging or gay cruising sites. He might be trying to use you to fufill his own desires, where does he see all this going in the future?

You need to make him leave. Please don't get drawn in to all his nonsense. You'll end up with no self respect. He wants to live a life that doesn't suit you. Personally I couldn't sleep with him ever again, after such revelations. Yuk. Sort out your finances and tell him it's over. You're only 37. You have plenty of time to meet a lovely guy and have a better solid relationship. I met my DH at 38.

Laurie re Just be really sure to have your paperwork in order (taps nose) before you decide. And keep your cards close to your chest. excellent advice.

I agreed to join Ashley Madison ... a convo with a chap in an arranged marriage where I told him to get a babysitter and go out with his wife.

Still catching up, and wanted to give you a big hi-five for this! Excellent response :)

Well, "I was only trying to fix us, make you happy" Bullshit.

Notwhatiexpected re I haven't managed this last episode well though. is this your opinion or his? Re He is upset now because he feels I tricked him, letting him think I might be into it, but not really. I should have said NO from the off with this whole boyfriend thing. He has tricked you for a long time, please, please, do not feel guilty for anything you have done to try to manage this very difficult situation. You said I feel like I am being eaten alive. someone who feels like that is bound to be making a whole bunch of choices and decisions they might not make in other circumstances. He has changed the circumstances of your life together. He cannot blame you for trying to work this out.

Re He is frustrated because he feels it is hard for him to confess, then he thinks we cycle, where I am ok with it for a few days, then freak out and don't want to. well dah, is he surprised you don't want to. Are you ever really feeling it is OK, or are you saying nothing because you just don't know what to say, or going along with it because you just don't know what to say? IMHO you don't owe him any apologies!

Re I honestly don't think I can just tell him to F off, without it being a major drama. He has gone awol before now, seemed so depressed I have worried for his safety.

Maybe you need some professional non-judgemental help to advise you how to find the way forward for you and our kids, while making the right provision for your husband to safely decide what is best for him and pursue that.

Re He is manipulative, and self absorbed, but I genuinely don't think he sets out to be like that. His gender issues are longstanding apparently, he has felt this way since childhood. I just hope this is the "pink fog" I have read about. You need to talk to a professional who understands this. Whether his issues are long standing or not, whether he means to be manipulative, or not, you are being manipulated and you need professional help from someone who will be putting your interest first. This does not mean throwing your husband under the bus! You obviously don't want him to do anything silly but I am not sure that this is within your power so you need help.

Re He isn't going to be a good husband, and I have gotten myself into a rotten situation. In what way have you gotten yourself into this. You married a man you loved who seems now to hvae changed totally. Whether it was always this way below the surface or not, I don't know, but it is not your fault. Please do not go down the route of blaming yourself!

Re But he is always going to be the father to our children and I hope I can keep this savoury for their sake..... What's savoury?

Anitmatter I agree with you, Agree with Please don't play any games just sit him down and tell him you want to separate.

OP... I am inclined to say that this might just be a (n admittedly super-weird) midlife crisis and it could pass....