Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

me again-please help

450 replies

Cowscockwithonions · 25/12/2015 16:09

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring AngrySad , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids Sad
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

OP posts:
mix56 · 02/01/2016 22:12

You say a big fat NO, this has been going on since your Original Post before Xmas, where you said he was moving out after Xmas........he has had time to get his act together, but he is playing games, & attempting to emotionally blackmail you into letting him back in. already he is bathing there error error error DO NOT let him back in, how will ever you get him out again if he knows he can wheedle his way back in ?
He will find accommodation once he sees he can't make you cave. Make a stand.
It makes me think of Gollum

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2016 22:22

I second mix. Absolutely NO! And you don't have to justify it. Just 'No, you may not'.

Jux · 02/01/2016 23:08

Say NO!! He's had ample time to find somewhere, so no. Has he done anything about removing his name from the lease so he can go to the Council? No, of course he hasn't.

AnyFucker · 02/01/2016 23:50

If he does ask if he can come back to the house to stay until he finds somewhere else, what should I say to him?

After all that's been said on this thread (and before) you need to ask this ?

gamerchick · 03/01/2016 07:28

If you let him back for a short time you'll find it frustratingly awful to get him back out, he'll do your head in and your kids. You'll kick yourself.

Don't do it.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 03/01/2016 08:22

If he does ask if he can come back to the house to stay until he finds somewhere else, what should I say to him?

"Fuck off" is a complete sentence.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 03/01/2016 08:27

I wasn't going to let him come back, I just wanted to know the best way of telling him no without causing an argument

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/01/2016 08:32

I don't think it matters, he'll be feeling increasingly desperate to get back in. A short 'no that's not possible' and refuse to get into the whys and why nots. Just repeat the one sentence you choose.

gamerchick · 03/01/2016 08:49

Are you looking after you though OP? Are you seeing a friend for a laugh sometimes? We all need a boost when going through a hard time.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 03/01/2016 08:58

I'm trying to look after myself gamer, I'm afraid to relax though, I'm constantly worrying about what he may do next.

OP posts:
mix56 · 03/01/2016 08:59

Yes. Just say NO, if he insists, just say NO, I have said everything I need to say. Walk away.
If he had the money for a ridiculous ring, he has money to can get accommodation. He is not, & has not been trying. He never believed you would go through with the final push.
Once he sees you don't cave he will sort himself out.

RandomMess · 03/01/2016 10:14

You say no, have the police on ready on speed dial and any moment he starts to aggressive you phone them. He has no right to threaten you what so ever.

Do not let him over the threshold again.

Make sure you phone up all the agencies and start your claim as a single parent.

What happened with the ring? Who has it? That would pay for him to go to B&B or bedsit or houseshare accommodation.

QuiteLikely5 · 03/01/2016 10:21

A ring, how nice! But all part of the Mr Nice/Mr Nasty cycle I'm afraid.

Once the abuser senses you pulling away he turns on his nice side to reel you back in. This often works for years and years until the person on the other side realises it's only a matter of time before Mr Nasty rears his ugly head again.

Be prepared, he was nice over xmas but now you are going to tell him something he doesn't want to hear, a big fat NO. This means he might turn on you.

Please don't give up, you have come so far, it's terrible that he accuses you of seeing your boyfriend to the children just because you were leaving the house.

Please don't expose your children to this type of relationship otherwise they will think it's normal and end up just like their father or marry someone similar to him.

Emotional abuse is so severe in terms of how it impacts upon children and their future relationships.

I know this must be the hardest thing but please stay strong.

Do not feel sorry for this man, you have given him so many opportunities to realise his behaviour is wrong and he hasnt changed.

He can't change because abusers very rarely do, especially emotional abusers. They are toxic to the core, manipulative, selfish and no good.

Lonely04 · 03/01/2016 12:24

Cows, do not let him back, my stbxh is still here, I have told him he has until next weekend to find somewhere, if not I will take the kids and go, he doesn't want this because as with most abusers, he loves himself and wants the outside world to think he is wonderful.

Once he has gone, I will never let him back, he is now working on the kids, acting like Disney dad but then spoilt child if they don't do or act like he wants them to. The last few days I have lost any small but of respect I may have had left for him, it is verging on sick what he is doing and the only thing getting me through is that he will soon be gone and I will NEVER let him back.
You have come so far, stay strong.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 03/01/2016 19:58

Thank you lonely, I hope that your STBXH leaves without causing you and the kids any stress or upset, if he's anything like my ex, then unfortunately, he won't go quietly... My ex is still "sleeping in the car", and has shown dsd the evidence- he has been seeing her regularly, after all she is his daughter, I've told her that he was trying to make her feel sorry for him, and that he probably does have somewhere to stay- which she repeated to him, which was when he showed her the car with the pillows and blanket in it.

OP posts:
Lonely04 · 03/01/2016 20:19

My stbxh has just tod me he is moving into a caravan which is in a field (not a mobile home on a site)
I explained that I will never let dc stay overnight and asked if he has considered how this will make them feel, he said he is not throwing money away on rent.

I anticipate that dc are going to blame me for this, but he earns more than twice what I do and is only going to be paying me minimum maintenance, he could easily afford something better, like your stbxh this is part of their nature, I have unfortunately run out of sympathy!!!

When our dc are adults they will realise how pathetic this is.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 03/01/2016 20:27

He's trying to make you feel sorry for him- like my ex is, he said that the council won't help him, I find it hard to believe, and even if they couldn't help him- they'd point him in the direction of someone that could help.
Initially my dc's blamed me for his situation, but I've told them that there's plenty of places he can go, and that he doesn't have to sleep in the car.
How old are your children?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2016 20:33

Whoopee, he showed her a blanket & pillow. That just means he knows how to stage a scene. Bullshit.

AnyFucker · 03/01/2016 20:52

I could show anyone a blanket and a pillow

I could put them in my car. I could put them in a Morrison's shopping trolley.

It doesn't mean I slept there. It means fuck all (apart from signposting what a pompous, posturing, manipulative piece of shit I was, of course).

Lonely04 · 03/01/2016 20:58

My ds is 16 and dd 11, my dd has got the brunt of the abuse for the past year, yet she is the one who is most distressed and doesn't want him to go. I really wish I had done this year's ago, but then don't think I was strong enough or in a position to be able to afford to. I also have no doubts that this is the right thing, but will always grieve for the father I wish my dc could have had.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 03/01/2016 21:09

Lonely Sad I feel the same as you-I should have done this years ago, I hate myself for letting it get this far.
It's so sad that your dd has been suffering the most- yet she doesn't want your STBXH to leave - my dd was the same, as was my ds11, both of them have been treated badly by him- name calling and unreasonable punishments. I think they've changed their minds since he's been gone though- things have been a lot more relaxed, and they aren't trying to convince me to "let him stay".

OP posts:
Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 03/01/2016 21:14

Anyfucker and across- I'm sure that he's sleeping in the car- he loves to play the "poor me" card, and desperately wants me and the kids to feel sorry for him.
He really doesn't have any friends, and definately no family.
I don't care anymore, there is help out there for someone who is homeless, he's just choosing not to get any help.
Is just don't want him telling dsd all the sad things about his life- she doesn't need to hear that shit

OP posts:
Lonely04 · 03/01/2016 21:19

It's so sad for our dc, I can't get my head round how selfish these men are, often wonder how they can live with themselves.
Stbxh says he should be going next weekend, I need to build my strength and resolve up as I am sure he will make as big a drama as he can.
Pray our daughters have more sense than us when choosing life partners. How are you going to deal with access? This is the next hurdle for me.

AnyFucker · 03/01/2016 21:24

Indeed she doesn't

But I still don't believe he is sleeping in his car Smile

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 03/01/2016 21:30

Our daughters will hopefully learn something from seeing us not putting up with being treated like dirt, I'm hoping that my dd13 never goes through the shit that I have, and I hope that she doesn't end up with the wastes of space that I've had relationships with.
I only have one child with ex, and his dd is living with me, we've not discussed access, he really needs to sort out somewhere to live first.
Lonely, I really hope that he just leaves without a huge drama, I know how draining it is, do you have any friends or family that can be there when he leaves?

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread