me again-please help

[Cowscockwithonions]

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

Anyfucker- I don't think he is, but then at the same time, I think he might be, he's fucked my head up so much, I never know what to believe anymore

TBH, I don't care whether he's sleeping in his car, or not.just as long as he's not at Cows'!

Amen

He's not here, and he never will be again.

< nods >

And another Amen!

Cows the reason why I think he's not sleeping in his car is because he is ultimately a very selfish man. And very selfish men very rarely make themselves 'uncomfortable' in any way. But they also are not above lying and manipulating to make it appear that they are 'uncomfortable'.

So he may very well play a 'poor me' card, but that just means he's dealing with a crooked deck!

Have a look at this bumped post here

He fits the abuser profile of "The Victim" to a tee

Anyfucker, I've just read it, and you're right, he's a classic "victim", with a bit of Rambo too. It's scary to think that there's other men out there just like him

Yep, Saint Lundy has 'em sussed

Feel for you.
Im going through it.
Having to play the waiting game and secretly stabilise myself financially. Hating it. Hes noticing im not the same. Which means theres a whole new lot of abuse opening up.

I wish i could tell him to leave sooner.

Good luck to you. Sod the silly ring. If it were me, I'd toss it somewhere on a bus or train, with a note attached saying "i hope this brings happiness your way"

Take that bloody ring back and he has a deposit on a flat to rent or share. He's full of it and probably comfortably hauled up in the nearest travel lodge.
You can and will have a better life without him.
Good luck I'll be another person rooting for you.

re the "Victim", remember he hasn't always been like this. he was interesting & charming enough when you met him for you to want to live together & then have a child together.... The rest creeps up behind you insidiously.
Also, women who have already had one marriage, sometimes feel they can't expect perfection due to being "used goods", it's nice to have a companion, healthier finances & not to foresee old age alone.
Don't beat yourself up with "I'm a lamentable failure when choosing a partner".

Is it normal to be scared of facing life alone as a single parent, I haven't worked for years, I'm off to the job centre tomorrow, I don't know why I'm so scared- millions of single parents manage, I think it's the going back to work thing that's daunting- I have no qualifications and I'm worried that no one, nowhere will employ me- even for something like cleaning.

"Is it normal to be scared of facing life alone as a single parent". It is the most normal thing in the world.

I stayed with an abusive partner longer than I should have because I was afraid I would feel lonely or regret separating from him, when we didn't even have any children. As it turned out, when I did finally separate I was on top of the world.

It is also normal to feel incapable of holding down a job when you have been out of work for a long time, but working is like riding a bike.

As for being a single parent, it is much, much easier than having to deal with another parent who is bringing nothing positive to the situation.

Thanks atenco, I'm just a bit worried about going back to work, my confidence is at an all time low
I know I'll be fine looking after the kids on my own- like u say, it's easier to be alone than to be with someone that isn't helping at all- and he was never involved with the kids much- I did everything for them- yes he did help sometimes, when it suited him, but overall, I've done most of the parenting

you cd phone the local hotels and ask if he is there.

Hi Cows. I've just read the whole thread and I am on the floor. My God you are doing splendid work and I am glad to see that you seem to be drawing strength from this thread.

A point occurs to me about the car. Your DH seems to still be in it, when earlier the plan seemed to be that he would turn it over to you along with the cash card. Knowing your DH for the piece of work he is, it occurs to me that by "sleeping" in the car he is not only giving your DCs his best pathetic wanker Littlest Hobo performance, he is keeping you from using it. And forcing contact points that "allow" you to use it - and to show off all the "evidence" of his "sleeping" there. This is not good and only yet more evidence of his nasty controlling little mind.

Are you the registered keeper / main policy holder for the car? If so, you have the option of going in hard - tell him you need the car, you've cancelled him off the insurance (which you could do) and therefore he can't drive it any longer, he has to stump up some of that £600 ring money for proper accommodation and hand it over so that you and the children can live your lives properly. Explain carefully to the DCs that this is for his benefit - it is not good for him to live in the car, and now he can't.

If you are only a registered driver, you would have to come straight out and explain that you need it, and by sleeping in it he is not only making himself uncomfortable, but he is keeping you from using it, so you have to make some arrangement. He might still keep it, but at least you've called him on his attempt to control you.

Or you can give it up. Tell him that as you can't use it while he's sleeping in it, you'll find other ways to get around, and so he doesn't need to come by at all any more. Again, far from ideal / practical, but you are telling him you've spotted what he's up to and you're not having it.

I know this is just one small thing in everything else you've got to cope with, but thought I would just mention it.

Good luck!

Good point Bonnet.
Cows, my SIL went back to work after a horrid divorce with OW etc (yawn)
She has been a SAHM for her 3 kids. since her uni graduation. She got a job & has worked herself up to the top of the industry, & now is loving her newest job with big salary after resigning from her former post for a rest, 2 weeks later she had landed an even better job.

When she went for her first job interview, they said they loved employing Mothers who were going back to work, as they multi task, they can face all dilemmas, they find solutions, & they can budget, they can spot the obvious flaw in every situation, & love to get ahead ! please note this for your CV !!!

How was the job centre?

Can you get the car back? Could you empty it of his belongs and just give them to him in a binbag saying "we all know you could be staying in a hotel so give up the silly act now".

The job centre interview went really well thanks jux, the lady I saw was lovely, and very helpful.
I've got myself an interview on Thursday- for being a care worker, helping the elderly in their homes. I'm going to need to sort the car out and take it off him at some point if I do get the job.

Jux, I really can't be bothered to argue with him anymore- he will just play the victim and start crying, he can't behave like a normal adult, he insists that there is nowhere for him to go, and that the council won't help him, I'm just sick of trying to reason with him, I'm completely drained

I'd approach the car thing right away. You don't want to accept the position and then have to deal with his antics. Better to solve that issue now.

Yeah, no trying to reason with him, it's simply not in his own interests to listen, let alone agree or compromise. Stick to facts, stated firmly.

Good luck with the carer job. They are worth their weight in gold. I have one comes in once a week to do the things I simply can't do. They are all lovely, and work really hard. Not paid anything like enough imo.

He phoned me this morning crying- saying that he's got nothing left, just a car, and that he can't cope with life anymore.
He said the council won't help him because he's working, he just sounded devastated, ds4 keeps saying how much he's missing his dad, this pressure is awful, I feel that I've ruined his life. Is anyone about to chat, I know he can't come back, I just feel so sorry for him.

That's the point of the phone call, to make you feel sorry for him.

He has a job, he bought a ring, why hasn't he sold that to pay for a deposit on a flat rental?

I mean, I was 18, and managed to get a deposit on a shared house rental, when I needed one, out of my wages. All this is just to make you pity him.

If he wasn't Emotionally Abusing you - you would still be together right?

Perhaps suggest to him that next time he finds someone, think about NOT emotionally abusing them if he doesn't want to end up sleeping in someone else's car again. Oh and by the way, you need the car back.