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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

me again-please help

450 replies

Cowscockwithonions · 25/12/2015 16:09

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring AngrySad , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids Sad
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/12/2015 17:59

As the DC reside with you then you need to change everything into your name anyway.

Ring up tax credits today, ring up child benefit today, ring up housing/council tax benefit today and get the ball rolling. He may end up being very unpleasant when you don't crumble.

PitPatKitKat · 30/12/2015 18:07

Glad it helps Cowscock Brew

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 30/12/2015 18:13

Carcass, I live in a small village where there isn't many places to 'meet', plus I'll have the kids with me all day- the only place I can think to meet him is the local park.

OP posts:
TheDayIBroke · 30/12/2015 18:52

Cowsock - be strong! He only focusses on himself, no-one else. Why doesn't he have friends? Perhaps because others can see him for what he is.

Think of your poor boy's face when this apology of a man called him a cunt Sad. Do you want him back in your lives to do it again and again? He has absolutely no respect for you or the children at all. He doesn't deserve you and your family, and if he wants to wallow in self pity, well ... let him.

YOU have not destroyed his life, he has. He could have had it all, but through HIS abhorrent behaviour, HE threw it away.

Do not meet him in your home. Meet him in public (with a friend, preferrably) and if he kicks off, walk away. He will show himself up for the fool he is, not you.

The worm has turned and it's you that holds the power now, not him. You will get through this. We are here, right with you.

TheDayIBroke · 30/12/2015 18:53
  • CowsCock.

Although, it should just be Cow, as you have already ridded yourself of the Cock!

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 30/12/2015 19:00

Thank you theday, yes I have got rid of the cock! Lol.
He doesn't have friends because, he's just not right, people must be able to see him for what he is, when i first met him I thought he was just a bit quirky and different, what a mistake that was. There were so many red flags from the start, but at the time I didn't see them as 'red flags', if only I had mumsnet back then!

OP posts:
Jux · 30/12/2015 19:06

Cafe in town. You're in town anyway, so that's most convenient for you. Whether you're going to be in town or not.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 30/12/2015 19:07

Jux, I think I'll just go to my friends house, we live quite a way from town.

OP posts:
Lonely04 · 30/12/2015 19:13

Oh how true, my stbxh showed signs from the start and like you Cow, I didn't see them for what they were, also have caved so many times when trying to leave, without mumsnet I would have this time as well.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 30/12/2015 19:24

Your friend's house for him to turn over the car & card? That's great, really. He doesn't have to come in, he can turn it all over at the doorstep.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/12/2015 19:28

DSD should be living with him surely? Sad though that is. How long were you planning on keeping her without him? Poor girl she must be a bag of nerves obviously knowing she will have to move out yet not knowing when or where.

Give him the letter to sign to end the tenancy so he can get on with finding his own place for him and his DD.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/12/2015 19:30

Take the letter for him to sign with you to the friends house. Make sure you frame it as you making it as easy as possible for him to find a place for him and his daughter, so he will look like a total bastard in front of your friend if he refuses.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 30/12/2015 20:47

I've phoned him to try and arrange a time for him to drop the car and cash card off- he was crying on the phone and hung up on me

OP posts:
Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 30/12/2015 20:50

Runrabbit dsd is 14, he told her that he'd come back to get her when he found somewhere to live, so I'm not "keeping her".

OP posts:
Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 30/12/2015 20:58

Runrabbit, I'm not sure what letter I need to get for him to sign, I'm sure I'd need to contact my landlord first to find out what my ex would need to do to get his name off the tenancy, plus I'm not sure that ex would sign anything at the moment, he's not in a good frame of mind.
As for his daughter, she knows that her home is here, I would never kick her out

OP posts:
Cheesybaps · 30/12/2015 22:28

Hi cows, sorry I've just seen your post as I've been offline for a bit.

In answer to your question: my ex stopped his behaviour very suddenly around 3 months after we split. I believe it was the time him and his new girlfriend became serious (she was pregnant around 3 months after that!). Of course I'm only speaking for my own experience, others may say different.

However, he surely cannot keep up the homeless, helpless, pathetic act for very long? He will need to sort himself out, and fast, if he has nowhere to live. You would hope that the practical aspect at least will improve fairly quickly.

It will get better. It will. However long it takes. Flowers

Good luck for meeting up, keep it as brief as possible and don't engage x

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 31/12/2015 14:14

He's gone, I now feel awful
He came back this morning- clearly he has been sleeping in the car, there was good and plastic cutlery in there Sad
I feel like the worlds most evil person. He just seemed so sad and broken

OP posts:
amarmai · 31/12/2015 14:22

this is how we allow ourselves to be trapped ,op. Allow yourself to feel the sadness but use your brain to decide how to act. If you act on the emotion you are not helping yourself, your dcc OR him as he needs to change himself not be enabled by you to continue to damage all of you. Be strong for the sake of your dcc and yourself. They are your responsibility - he is not your child .

gamerchick · 31/12/2015 14:23

It's all designed to make you feel bad. Wait a while and his true colours will come out because you're not taking him back fast enough. Keep your nerve.

mix56 · 31/12/2015 14:30

Cows. Sadly he still knows all the angles of attack. I would tell him that the ring is going to help pay xyz bill once you can flog it. That he is not going to manipulate you by obliging you to accept a gift in front of kids. & fortunately it will be the last time as this is the last Xmas together, he really has sealed his own coffin with this.
do not feel awful its exactly where he wants you to be.
Go back & read your old thread. Has he found a flat ? He has got to go asap.
Be strong....

pocketsaviour · 31/12/2015 14:34

Hang in there love. You are NOT evil, mean, bad or wrong. He is a fucking dick and he is yanking your chain to make you feel so bad that you take him back and just let him carry on abusing you and your kids.

Stay strong. You can do this. You have friends and a loving family. If he has nobody, that's because he's driven people away with his shitty behaviour.

mix56 · 31/12/2015 14:44

He is not living in the car !!!

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 31/12/2015 14:48

When you said he 'came back' do you mean he walked in the house? If so, you absolutely need to make new locks or security chains a priority. Otherwise, he needs to be kept away from the house and the children as much as possible. If he wants to see them it should be in a public place or at a third party's home, if possible. Somewhere you don't feel 'trapped' and he has to behave with a modicum of dignity.

You should NOT let him back in the house. If you do and he says 'right, I'm staying' there will be nothing you can do as long as his name is on the tenancy. He's still thinking all he has to do is look pathetic and you'll take him back. He'll 'play your game' for awhile because he truly believes that you're 'punishing' him and that you'll take him back once you're 'over your little snit-fit'. He thinks he's just playing a waiting game. You know different, but he doesn't realize that, yet.

I still don't think he's been sleeping in his car. He's not above 'staging'. It probably just some fast food containers/cutlery that he's put in the car. I also wouldn't be surprised to see a blanket or sleeping bag. It's all fake. You need to really understand that the root of all his actions is selfishness. A person as selfish as he is is NOT going to make himself uncomfortable in any way when a well placed lie will do. Think about it; why would he sleep in his car (cold and uncomfortable) when he can sleep in a hotel or on someone's couch (warm and comfy) and tell you a lie about it? He knows you'll believe him. He has you programmed that way, although he doesn't know that you're breaking those chains.

He's trying to play you. Don't let him.

mix56 · 31/12/2015 15:00

The very fact that he is using his children as a means of manoeuvring you is reason enough to get shot of the despicable manipulative excuse of a little dick. telling your youngest of 4 yrs old, that he will never see his Daddy again is deliberately cruel; UNFORGIVABLE

cardedlady · 31/12/2015 15:14

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