me again-please help

[Cowscockwithonions]

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

Get ne of those life-sized blow up dolls, that some women used to put in their cars to make it look like they weren't alone driving. Then dance with it when he drives past. Light positioned carefully so it throws your silhouettes romantically against the closed curtains.

Lol jux, I would do that, but I'm trying my best not to wind him up at the moment.

Tonight he came over to see ds to spend time with him- I said he could take ds to bed, he's just stormed off because ds threw a tantrum... Just proves what a doting dad he is.
He didn't even say goodbye to ds, he just left, and now dsd is calming ds down

Driving by in your car? What a shit!

Could you ask the woman at the council to let you know when he's been housed? Because I doubt he'll tell you, he'd rather keep feeding you the 'sleeping in the car' crap.

BTW, have you asked for the car back yet?

Take the keys next time he turns up to see ds.

Jux, I like your style.

Get your car back, you need it, and the house keys because he is going to be helped by the council isn't.

He's been using the car to get to work, I need it too really, it was raining very heavily here for a couple of days- even with umbrellas the kids and I got soaked on the school run.
By taking the car, he's taken away my freedom, I live in a village where the bus service is a bit crap, and I've been relying on my dad to take the older kids to school (they're at high school which is 7 miles away)
I hate having to talk to him, he always cries and argues with me, I'm sick of it.

Is it your car Cows?

Get the car back. Him getting to work isn't your problem, he can sort his own out.

You know, that car is the last thing tying you to 'being nice' to him, really. It's the last thing he has that you want (and need). And he knows it. Once you have it back you no longer need to be nice or talk to him other than "I'd like to see DS", "OK, you may have him from 5-7pm. Goodbye". Any other communications can be dealt with via email or solicitors.

Think about it.

It is YOUR car, you need it to ferry HIS child to school.

Ask for it back, assuming it is in your name if he refuses report it to the police as stolen - obviously explain the situation to them.

He always dealt with the car stuff- insurance, MOT and all that, I don't even know if the car is mine- that's how clueless and pathetic i am!
I'm feeling so rubbish at the moment, I'm looking for work, I need to find a job, If I don't find one then I won't be able to afford the rent ( I'm privately renting) . I haven't worked for a long time, and have no qualifications.
I feel like I've messed mine and my kids lives up. I feel so worthless

Huge hugs &

Then the very first thing you need to do is find out how the car is registered. First, I'd ask him. If he says it's you or both of you I'd believe him. If he says it's registered in his name only, I wouldn't. I'm in the US so I don't know exactly how you'd go about it there. Here, I'd look for old registration papers, purchase agreement, loan papers. Here insurance papers would show both DH and I since we'd both be on the papers as being insured, but I could use them to call the insurance company. They have access (here) to motor vehicle registration info. There is also a VIN (vehicle ID number) on cars that might be used to show ownership. Might the police be able to give you that info if you explain the situation? I'd think that any entity would at the least be able to say 'No, your name is not on that vehicle'.

Do you have the plate number? Do you have keys? Do you know where the car is during his workday? If so, you can go get it once you know how it's titled.

Cows, I'm saying this gently, but it appears that for some reason you don't actually want to demand or just go get the car, even though you know you really, really need it and have very good reasons for asking for it. Can you put words to why that is? You don't need to tell us. Just think about it and try to decide if it's worth possibly losing out on a job because of it.

YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS!! You are worthwhile. You are valuable and valued.

Words to remember.

Thank you across I really appreciate all your advice and support x
I haven't asked for the car back before now as he was using it to get to work- plus he was sleeping in it, but now he's getting somewhere to live i shall ask for it back.
I've missed my car so much

He is not & never has been sleeping in the car. & the housing folk say that he could have had housing before but went into a strop.
He knows you need the car. He is using it to control you.
Even driving by in it in the evening, is using it against you.

re dsd. She must be feeling total panic about her situation. I don't know how long you have been her SM, but in reality, her life is on the edge, & she is punishing you for putting her this situation. She clearly loves her brother, she doesn't know where she will be living, her Dad is absent & flaky, you are not obliged to keep her, she may have to change school etc. She may be a adolescent from hell on top of this. But in fact you are the person who holds her future in her hands... Try & forgive her within reason, maybe try & take her aside & gently tell her that there are limits, & what they are. Alternatively you can give her both barrels, but I don't think you are like that !

Cows, last year I was a woman who had not worked for nearly 15 years, I have a smattering of O levels from the early 70s. I live in a small town where the main employers are Tesco, Lidl and the Co-op. Whatever experience I gained in my working life was irrelevant now, and I had developed ms and become disabled. I couldn't even guarantee I could work regular hours, no matter how few they might be.

I looked around for a year, thinking about everyone I knew and met. My best friends here were running a business and were run off their feet. I volunteered to come and work for them a few days a week, doing ansolutely anything they needed. I needed to work, not for the money but for my own mh. They bit my arm off!

I started nearly a year ago. I feel great, as I am doing stuff that makes life a tiny bit easier for my friends.

I know you need to earn, and so it's a bit different for you, but my advice is take anything, as it gets you out of the house, you meet new people, you spend time with adults talking about adult things, much of which you probably haven't even thought of.

Then you feel better about yourself, and you remember your strengths, and then you can look for the job you actually want with your confidence much higher.

Jux I just feel so low, and terrified of even going for an interview- I'm worried I'll be a nervous wreck and mess it up.
I have an interview on Wednesday for a well known fast food chain that's very local to me, I'm just an emotional mess at the moment and am worried I'll have a panic attack during the interview (I've had them before) I just can't see things ever being ok again

Take a few deep breaths. Interviewers know that interviewees are nervous, I daresay it's expected. If you've had panic attacks, have you seen your GP about them? My DS2 got a Rx from his Dr for an anti anxiety med that you put under your tongue. He says it acts within 30 seconds and only lasts a short time, just long enough for him to 'ramp himself down' and get himself centered again. He says it doesn't leave you groggy or drugged out at all. If you think it might help, ask your GP about it.

I really think you need to ask for the car now. He's a big boy, he can find his way to work. After all, it appears that's what he expects you to do or he'd have given the car back by now on his own. He knows it's your car and that you're looking for work AND doing school runs/shopping (in the rain!), you'd think it'd have offered it back long before now! It's just another sign of his selfishness. And another thing he's using to tie you to him.

It will also force him to stop his lying about sleeping in the car. Because he IS lying, I don't care what he says or how he 'presents' himself. He is using this lie to get into the house to shower, do laundry, whatever. He's using it to make you 'feel sorry' for him and to manipulate the children. If you won't ask for it back for yourself, ask for it back to stop him from making the children feel sorry for him.

Mix, I won't make his daughter move out, she's a confused, frightened teenager who's been through a lot in her life, if I was to make her leave she'd have to move schools and leave all her friends behind.
She drives me up the wall, but despite all that, I care about her, her "dad" has been just as vile to her as he had to me, worst in fact.

He came over to see ds today and upset everyone- my dd asked him if he'd found somewhere to live, and he stormed out saying he "didn't like being questioned".
I asked for the car back , he says he's still sleeping in in as the accommodation the council offered him was unaffordable- I find that hard to believe.
He also had a go at dsd for arguing with him over her talking to her mothers family on FB- he hates her family, and said he'd put her into care, I told him to stop bullying her and he said that I have no parental responsibility over her- therefore I have no say.
He really is vile

Oh he is horrid. You poor thing, and those poor children, especially dsd. No wonder she's acting up badly. Let her know that as long as she needs it, there'll be a place for her there; it sounds like she will need that reiterated time and time again at the moment. Her dad is a vile specimen.

With regard to the interview, as =+Across says, take deep breaths. In through your nose to a count of 3 and out through your mouth to a count of 5. My neuropsych told me about it - and said as long as the out breath is longer than the in, the actuall count doesn't matter. Do it 3 times or more. You may not actually feel different (I don't) but I do seem more able to come up with answers, or make decisions etc if I do the breathing. So, start practising now, and you'll be ready for Wednesday!

I'll give the breathing exercise a go,
I hope that I'll manage to stay calm during the interview, I think that the fact that I'm in desperate need of a job, and if I don't find one soon then we will be struggling a lot, is making me more nervous, the pressure is immense.
It doesn't help that when ex came over today- he was making me doubt myself, telling me that I should've just left things the way they are, regarding benefits, and that I shouldn't have claimed jsa, I'm sure that I've done the right thing- he's made me feel bad for it , I'm wondering whether I should've just left things the way they were??

No you're doing the right thing. He's stepping it up and now at least you know he's lying about sleeping in the car if he was offered a council property and turned it down due to cost. He has a comfy bed somewhere and is willing to wait it out. Concentrate on getting the car back.

have a chat and snuggle with your SD. Her head must be done in.