me again-please help

[Cowscockwithonions]

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

It's part of the script. He wants you to cave. tell him you don't want to have a conversation with him while he's snivelling and then don't. You've got nasty, wooing and pretending to move on to go yet. Keep strong.

Remember what Lundy says about The Victim:

'If you are involved with the Victim and want to escape his abuse, you may find that you feel guilty toward him, despite his treatment of you, and have difficulty ending the relationship as a result. You may feel that because his life has been so hard, you are reluctant to add to his pain by abandoning him. You may worry that he won't take care of himself if you leave, that he will wither away from depression, won't eat or sleep, or might even try to kill himself. The Victim knows how to present himself as helpless and pathetic so that you will find it harder to take your own life back.'

Thank you, it helps a lot to read that, I hate feeling sorry for him, I just can't help it.
I asked him why he doesn't stay in a b&b or hotel, he said he has no money, he's given me his cash card, I told him I could give him some money from that, then he said he doesn't want any money as that's be wasting it.
It's like he's not willing to help himself at all.

Not sure what he's done with the ring- I haven't asked, thankfully his phone cut off while he was talking.

op, how long do you want to continue listening to his guilt inspiring victimising? You being his victim , i mean. His phone cut off- why not yours ?

Stay strong. It's best for you - and actually it's best for him.

TheSilveryPussycat - it's best for all of them.

OP, you have not ruined anyone's life by separating from him. He has ruined his own life, by being a "cock" to you and the children. He is the one who has behaved despicably until you could take no more. He is the one who called your poor son such a vile name. He is the one that is choosing to behave like this, choosing to "sleep in the car" , and choosing to tell his DD about things that don't concern her.

If you need the car, give him the heave-ho and retrieve it. Remember, this is of his own making. He is putting the blame on you because you have seen the light and won't take his abuse any more.

Keep strong!

he said he has no money, he's given me his cash card, I told him I could give him some money from that, then he said he doesn't want any money as that's be wasting it

Do you see how he's taking his actions (or inactions) and then turning them around to make it 'your fault'? Don't let him do this!

Do you have to keep using 'his card'? Is it a joint account? Can you open your own account and have any benefits paid into it? He could then arrange a direct transfer of money into your account as child maintenance, no? I think it's important to sever all ties and the banking appears to be one that he's using to make you pity him.

To make things worst- dsd14 is being awful towards me, speaking to me like dirt, I can hardly kick her out though can I? It's no use trying to reason with her either, she's got an answer for everything and has never really liked me.
It feels like things will never be ok in my life again, it's just one thing after another, I keep crying out of the blue, one minute I'm fine, the next I'm crying about how much I've messed my life up.

Across, he gets the tax credits paid into his account as they are in his name, I'm going to phone tax credits tomorrow to change it into my name- my bank account won't accept benefit payments in someone else's name.
When he was on the phone to me this morning crying- I told him to pull himself together, he said he can't cope with life anymore, and that he's missing "his boy", I've let him see ds4 on a regular basis which I reminded him of, and then he said that he "felt uncomfortable" coming to see him as he felt uncomfortable around me as he still loves me.
It's like he's trying to make everything my fault.

• saying I "kicked him out", when I didn't- I just told him that he needed to find somewhere else to live after Xmas, I didn't give him a date that he had to go- he left of his own accord

• Saying he has no money- he's given me the cash card, and despite me offering him money, he said he doesn't want it

• saying he misses ds4 when I haven't stopped him from seeing him

call ss and let them contact him re his plans for the sd. She is not your responsibility and as she is so hostile , you have enuf to deal with. Stop taking calls from this man.

Amarmai, he needs to sort out some accommodation so he can take her to live with him, I find it highly unlikely that the council would turn him away whether he's working or not- he has a child, so surely they'd give him some sort of temporary accommodation, I think he's lying to me about having been to the council for advice.

He's purposely putting every possible roadblock he can in front of him being able to get his own place. He's also doing things to himself and then finding ways to turn it on you. Just be strong and keep moving ahead. He's an adult, not a little child. If he falls flat on his arse, it's not your problem. Do NOT let him make it your problem.

As far as DSD, I understand your quandary. It might help to talk to SS and just see what, if any, your options are. I know that here (US) if a child isn't endangering him/herself or others in the home, that as long as SS feels the child has a roof over their head (even an unwillingly given roof), they really don't try very hard to find alternate placement. They seem to have a 'let's wait them out and see if they let the child just stay' attitude. So before you make any decisions, find out what's out there. Ask them also about where your stbx would be on the housing front if he went to them as a single parent with a teen daughter. I'd think he'd be pretty high priority as I doubt there are many shelters for adult males with female children in tow.

But you can talk to DSD, see if she'll open up. It may be that she's pushing your buttons because it shows her that you care when you don't kick her out (does that makes sense?). It may be that it's all hitting home and since her dad isn't there to take it out on, she's taking it out on you. She does need to know, whatever the reason, that there are limits and that she must be respectful, even if she's unhappy. Does she have any grandparents or aunts/uncles that may be able to, if not give her a home, at least give her additional support?

Yes op i know he is claiming to be living in your car . When you tell ss this and that you are taking your car back as you need it for work, that shd put a fire under them to sort accomodation for the sd and her father.I am hoping it will bring a solution -as you need this man and his d off your plate.

Why don't you ring them and ask them what they would be able to do for a man who had been living in private rented, but due to the breakdown of his relationship was now homeless and had a daughter of x age.

That way, you'll have an idea of what they might actually have said. If he contacted them at all, which I doubt.

He's purposely putting every possible roadblock he can in front of him being able to get his own place. He's also doing things to himself and then finding ways to turn it on you.

Hit the nail on the head. He doesn't want to find a B&B, a flat or somewhere else to live. He wants you to cave in and take him back, and everything he's doing is done to achieve this, by making you feel guilty. The fact that it's his fasult is something he's desperate to deny (probably to himself as much as to you).

Stay strong. You (and he) know he's only homeless by his oen choice.

Sounds like he is attacking from outside and sd is part of that from the inside. As long as you are willing to pick up the slack , you'll get more of the same. He and his d can get shelter and funding live their own lives. Your son has been called vile names by this man and you and your dcc have been treated with contempt. If he and his d get their way , they will rule you , your dcc and your home and you will all suffer. Your primary responsibility is to your dcc. Let them run their own lives-not yours.

If he is working most local authorities will not prioritise him for housing. He can afford to find private rental. He's taking the utter piss.

Sorry forgot about dsd that might change things.

I made a huge mistake today- he phoned me after I'd done the school run, crying and begging for me to just "talk to him", I told him that I wasn't going to talk to him while he was crying, and put the phone down.
About five minutes later, he turned up at the house, and said that I was "taking his boy away from him", he accused me of meeting another man, threatened to beat my father up (I don't know why) and told me I was a heartless, horrible bastard, one minute he was crying and saying that he loves me- then saying those horrible things.
He also threatened (again) to take our son from me.
My mistake was arguing with him and trying to tell him that he needs to pull himself together- I should've just ignored him.
In the end I told him to go, which he did, and then ten minutes after, the phone rang, and he was asking me to give ds4 a cuddle from him at bedtime.
I thought he'd got the message about the relationship being over, obviously not

Ok these things happen and it just makes you all the more prepared for his next attempt.

I was always puzzled why my Ex didn't act more reasonably, after I'd issued divorce proceedings for his um... unreasonable behaviour. He just became more of a twunt, which just re-confirmed that I'd made the right decision

Oh, he's having a lovely time isn't he? Whatever he feels like doing, he does. Utter self-indulgence, and he's really revelling in it.

I think he's starting to 'crack', meaning that I think the reality is starting to set in. And he's throwing himself around the room like a tantrumming toddler. In this case meaning that he's starting to throw out every statement he can think of to 'get a rise' out of you. He still thinks there is just that one 'magic word' he'll be able to say to bring you back in line.

Be strong. Don't back down. The end is getting closer. But you also need to be cautious at the same time as he's getting desperate. Do not be alone with him. Do not let him take your son anywhere. Absent court orders both parents have equal rights to keep the child. He could take your son and the police would not be able to get him back for you without a court order. I'm not trying to scare you, chances are nothing will happen. But it's always good to be over-cautious.

Well things seemed to have turned a corner- he went to the council today, and a lady from the council phoned me to confirm that he wasn't living with me anymore- she said they're going to help him, an that although they haven't got anywhere big enough for him and dsd, they'd give him a room until something came up.
She told me that the first time he'd approached the council he got into a temper and stormed out- that he was being very argumentative and difficult, and that if he'd not stormed off they could've helped him.

He's also started driving by the house late at night to "catch me out", he's convinced I've met someone else.

wonder if his d will shape up as she may not want to ship out. She'll be his spy ,op so hang tough. Your new life is waiting for you.