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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found something interesting on partners phone...

162 replies

NotSpeaking · 21/12/2015 10:24

We haven't spoken in 3 days, this is really bad. We never not speak. Have been together 11 years, 2 kids under 4 and Im currently heavily pregnant at 8 months with number 3.
The problem is I find him totally inconsiderate. He was depressed for a while and started exercising which was great, but means I have to cook for him at 9/10 pm at night after he has got home from work and done his training. My 2yr old is getting up 3 times a night for some reason and my bladder is waking me up 7 times a night (no bladder infection checked with doctor) To say Im knackered is an under statement. He also falls asleep on the sofa and doesnt come upstairs until 5am which again wakes me up.
He is still being snappy at me with pressures of work and because Im hormonal I do a bit of silent crying about it. Think Ive started to cry everyday, usually Im not so sensitive, Im quite tough nut but at the moment Im not. I have tried to let it go over my head and not react but he woke me up after I had finally got to sleep and I just totally lost it. Earlier in the day I had tried to nap but because he was tickling our 4year old it was making her scream her head off, which obviously woke me again. Since I lost it, he refused to talk to me and we haven't spoken since Friday. We never not speak EVER.
Its been a slow slow burner of me becoming more and more frustrated. I have approached him many times in different ways telling him how tired I am and how he needs to be more considerate. It goes in one ear and out the other. We also havent had sex in months due to miscarriage worries and i find he never initiates any kind of loving kiss and cuddle to me. Looked on his phone and all I can see is porn sites in his history. Im quite liberal so I dont usually mind but today Ive actually seen him looking at an escort sites for escorts in the area where he comes on his way home via train. Im not sure what to think because he looked last night??

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 22/12/2015 17:21

Maintenance would be the same, sure.
Entitlement to assets, very different.

Jan45 · 22/12/2015 17:26

Crazy suggesting you marry him to get his money, ffs, the man is a creep, why should the OP put herself through more trauma.

OP, I'm liberal but I wouldn't tolerate the porn sites especially when he is treating you like crap, you feel he is inconsiderate because that is what he is.

Only one solution here, ducks in a row, get advised, exit plan.

notapizzaeater · 22/12/2015 17:29

Omg, he's emotionally abusing you

Original poster
NotSpeaking · 22/12/2015 17:59

I know he is. Totally aware of it now. It's quite amusing when he is trying it.

OP posts:
Marchate · 22/12/2015 18:04

Once we see what they are doing - and how unoriginal they are, following the EA rule book - the pain seems to decrease remarkably, doesn't it?

Their very clever schemes to keep us in our 'place' are almost amusing. They are following a badly written script

BabyGanoush · 22/12/2015 18:07

And stop cooking him meals at 9pm!

Joysmum · 22/12/2015 18:41

So glad you can see him for what he is.

It might also help you to try to think ahead and guess his next fuckwittery. Have you heard of mumsnet bingo? It's a good game to play to help you think through, predict and protect yourself from his lies in the future.

MaybeDoctor · 22/12/2015 19:00

That is why I prefaced the suggestion with 'if you can bear it'.

It would not be marrying him to 'get his money', it would be to obtain a fair and reasonable share of the assets they have built up as a couple. Which would have a significant benefit to OPs future ability to own a home, pay for her children's higher education or provide for herself in retirement. Her present situation leaves her with very few rights over anything beyond child maintenance.

Good luck OP, to you and your baby, whatever you decide to do.

AnyFucker · 22/12/2015 19:13

Is there a time scale you have to be married for before "entitlement to assets" ?

Tbh, this man has no "assets" I would be remotely interested in.

Original poster
NotSpeaking · 22/12/2015 20:03

Got hold of his phone. All looked at this morning before he left but none of them in our area which I'm totally confused about. Is he just looking or did he go and see one today? He wouldn't have had time.
He is now complaining because he is
Having to bath the kids. I've reminded him that I'm heavily pregnant with SPD and can't lift them in and out of the bath. He said he is on holiday for XMAS and won't be doing anything, I told him to go to XMAS at his mother's. He's told me I can go to mine and it can be arranged I stay there permanently and he will be rolling onto the next one. All of this while he is bathing our kids, my daughter can hear it all. When I reminded him who he was talking infront of he said oh get a grip and laughed it off. My blood is seething.

Found something interesting on partners phone...
OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/12/2015 20:06

This is ridiculous

Get your kids and your poorly pregnant body and go to your mum's.

Original poster
NotSpeaking · 22/12/2015 20:36

She's next door with a house full. And that is exactly where he wants me to go... I'm not budging from this house before I get legal advice. Which I will be doing tomorrow.

OP posts:
UninventiveUsername · 22/12/2015 20:42

Could he have gone out today to make a phone call to book an escort? I have no idea how it works, whether he'd need to call or could do it all online. He is sounding worse with every post you write.

AnyFucker · 22/12/2015 20:42

The house is in his name. You are not married. You will have to leave. For God's sake do it before your kids learn any more damaging lessons about how people in "relationships" treat each other.

gerbo · 22/12/2015 20:45

Not speaking, I've just read your thread and wanted to say how strong you sound. I hope your situation resolves itself as best it can and am sure you'll be happier without this man. Sending you all best wishes for the future.....good luck with your plans Flowers

icandothis64 · 22/12/2015 20:51

You go girl. I am drawing strength myself from you. Amazing.
I really don't agree that marriage is a good idea. You would have to wait a year to apply for a divorce. And again. Unless you feel physically threatened (in which case get the f**k out immediately), then stay put. A shit hot lawyer is what you need.
When the new baby comes it's gonna get so tough for you. Stay strong. Sending you hugs.

carbcraver · 22/12/2015 21:07

Just read most of the thread and wanted to congratulate you. Somethings clicked and you appear to have found strength.

I read some of these threads and really want them to work things out and for the woman to be blowing things out of proportion (I'm a massive drama queen!!) but reading yours was different somehow.
Hopefully tomorrows legal advice will be what you need to move on/out

PitPatKitKat · 22/12/2015 21:28

The courage and strength you are finding is breathtaking NotSpeaking. More power to your heart, head and elbow.

MaybeDoctor · 23/12/2015 08:29

He sounds horrible. :(

Get legal advice today if you can.
Would you consider telling him that he won't go on the new baby's birth certificate unless he snaps back into line? That might buy you some breathing space.

It doesn't sound like it will work for the OP but for anyone else reading, if A and B meet, marry and separate within a short time period then this is deemed a 'short marriage' and assets are not often shared on divorce.

Whereas if A and B live together for many years, marry and then separate then this is not deemed a 'short marriage' and in this case both spouses would have some share of assets.

Not a lawyer, but that is my understanding of the law.

Iamthinking · 23/12/2015 08:45

Maybedoctor, that is right, I have just asked my dp (divorce lawyer) and he says what you have said about the short marriage is correct.

The problem is that you have to wait a year to petition for a divorce after marriage.

I am not sure what withholding putting his name on the birth certificate will do, he wouldn't have parental responsibility for a while, but then he could force that to have it changed in the future. I don't think it is a very powerful bargaining tool.

NA200712 · 23/12/2015 09:38

You poor woman. He sounds so abusive and vile. Start collecting evidence of his infidelities and abusive behaviour, it will all work in your favour.

NA200712 · 23/12/2015 09:40

And carry on recording conversations like you did the other day... smart move.

icandothis64 · 23/12/2015 10:29

Please don't play games along the birth certificate route. It serves no purpose, will cause continued conflict and you have enough of that already, cause problems when requesting child maintenance and make you look churlish. You need to take the high road.

MaybeDoctor · 23/12/2015 12:20

It was purely suggested to remind the OP of one of her possible points of leverage.

Her situation is precarious. She has fewer rights than a tenant and is heavily pregnant. He could tell her to leave tomorrow.

Pidapie · 23/12/2015 12:51

Oh you poor thing, he sounds vile :( As for not having had time for an escort - they normally work on an hourly basis, so he might have had time for it. Not that it matters so much at this point, his behaviour is awful. I wish you all the best for the future, and hope you get out of this with as few scratch marks as possible.

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