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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found something interesting on partners phone...

162 replies

NotSpeaking · 21/12/2015 10:24

We haven't spoken in 3 days, this is really bad. We never not speak. Have been together 11 years, 2 kids under 4 and Im currently heavily pregnant at 8 months with number 3.
The problem is I find him totally inconsiderate. He was depressed for a while and started exercising which was great, but means I have to cook for him at 9/10 pm at night after he has got home from work and done his training. My 2yr old is getting up 3 times a night for some reason and my bladder is waking me up 7 times a night (no bladder infection checked with doctor) To say Im knackered is an under statement. He also falls asleep on the sofa and doesnt come upstairs until 5am which again wakes me up.
He is still being snappy at me with pressures of work and because Im hormonal I do a bit of silent crying about it. Think Ive started to cry everyday, usually Im not so sensitive, Im quite tough nut but at the moment Im not. I have tried to let it go over my head and not react but he woke me up after I had finally got to sleep and I just totally lost it. Earlier in the day I had tried to nap but because he was tickling our 4year old it was making her scream her head off, which obviously woke me again. Since I lost it, he refused to talk to me and we haven't spoken since Friday. We never not speak EVER.
Its been a slow slow burner of me becoming more and more frustrated. I have approached him many times in different ways telling him how tired I am and how he needs to be more considerate. It goes in one ear and out the other. We also havent had sex in months due to miscarriage worries and i find he never initiates any kind of loving kiss and cuddle to me. Looked on his phone and all I can see is porn sites in his history. Im quite liberal so I dont usually mind but today Ive actually seen him looking at an escort sites for escorts in the area where he comes on his way home via train. Im not sure what to think because he looked last night??

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/12/2015 11:21

Oh OP

You are in a very vulnerable position at the moment. And many abusive arses step up the abuse when their partners are pregnant. As yours is

You need to have a very hard think about what ou are going to do next. Beause this cannot continue, you know that don't you?

Marchate · 21/12/2015 11:21

Phone your midwife today! Tell her everything you have said here, and more if you can. You may need to escape before this goes where it looks like you are heading - his world of abuse, infidelity and control.

Phone her now, please!

Jibberjabberjooo · 21/12/2015 11:23

Well if he doesn't eat then tough shit! You're not his maid and he's a grown man! Let him get on with it.

He sounds awful, nothing you have written is good. He is abusing you financially and emotionally.

Original poster
NotSpeaking · 21/12/2015 11:23

Yes I'm actually sat here in tears. I just want my kids to be with me and I'm scared they won't because he has the finances to provide with a nanny. It's actually been quite nice him not speaking to me, I've actually enjoyed it.

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 21/12/2015 11:24

Ok, this doesn't look good. I presume you aren't married? If you are then you won't be out on your ear. If you aren't then can you seek some sort of legal advice asap as to what your rights are? Very difficult as you are so pregnant, but do you have any family you could stay with if necessary? The one thing I would say is that I have first hand experience of similar to the above (but not as bad) and the wife in that scenario thought about leaving her husband ten years ago but didn't because the dcs were little etc and now, ten years on, nothing has changed but she's late 40s and is really terrified about how she will make a new life. If it really is as bad as you say then do something at the first opportunity as you don't deserve this.

AnyFucker · 21/12/2015 11:24

Sweetheart, are you in contact with your parents ?

mouldycheesefan · 21/12/2015 11:25

Is there somewhere else you could go to over the Xmas hols to get your head straight?
Have you spoken to him about the sex workers?

Original poster
NotSpeaking · 21/12/2015 11:25

I've told my mum. She wants me to sit it out and get married to him so I can then get some kind of financial assets from him. But we have been together 11 years. He only proposed last year and if you speak about wedding he doesn't want to talk about it. Ridiculous situation. I'm so angry at myself. Guess I had more faith than I should have. Silly me.

OP posts:
wallywobbles · 21/12/2015 11:26

A similar thread last night made me announce in disgust to my DP that I am so glad we don't line in the UK cos he'd be down the pub. He looked at me in astonishment. Because of course HE wouldn't because being at home with me and any of our kids is what he likes best.

I don't think your DP comparing himself to the lowest standard is very helpful. Time for him to shape up or ship out and in view of the fact that he thinks he has a magic dick you are going to be kicking yourself in X years because his behavior will never change. Why would it? The consequences can be ignored and used as a stick to beat you with. He diminishes you every day.

Financially it sounds like you'd be better off without him quite frankly. He still has to pay for the kids and part of a house for them to live in.

If I were you I'd spend your sleepless time between now and the birth finding out where you stand legally and financially because if I was a betting woman I'd say things are about to go sharply down hill.

Give yourself some power. You are allowing yourself to be powerless.

And do you know. Being divorced with young children is bloody awesome because you get some real time off. 2 consecutive nights sleep every other weekend. I was so fucking happy - divorce was so positive, none of the shit, no put downs, my rules, no arguments, less stress, less exhaustion. In fact I'm at a loss as to why everyone doesn't do itWink

So in brief don't be afraid of a different future embrace it.

AnyFucker · 21/12/2015 11:27

He won't marry you. Why would he ?

You need to get away from him, not "sit it out" having more babies and trapping yourself even further.

Tell your stupid mother you are leaving him and go to your parents for Xmas. With your kids.

Original poster
NotSpeaking · 21/12/2015 11:30

We literally live next door to my mum lol it wouldn't be escaping at all. Plus she has a house full of our family for XMAS. He would literally had to walk two feet and ring her doorbell x

OP posts:
Itisbetternow · 21/12/2015 11:30

Ok. You need to start looking at your options. Do you want to stay with him? Are you married - with two kids and one on its way - I do hope so. Once you have decided what you are doing then we can advise. I'm not commenting on your relationship as it isn't working.

Marchate · 21/12/2015 11:30

Your mum will mean for the best but she is wrong.

I don't know English law on unmarried couples' assets but he is liable for his children whatever your marital status.

Interesting that he wanted another baby. That certainly keeps you under his watchful eye for a few more years!

Tell your midwife, or phone Women's Aid, today

wallywobbles · 21/12/2015 11:31

Oh and they all say they'll take the kids but he 100% won't. No judge in the world, much less the UK will let that happen just because he's got cash.

Go get yourself informed and fast. But keep your mouth shut so he can't hide anything. Find out how much you are entitled to and see a fucking lawyer pronto. Put it in his credit card. He CAN afford it.

AnyFucker · 21/12/2015 11:31

If your mum has family for Xmas, go stay at their house.

Original poster
NotSpeaking · 21/12/2015 11:32

Yeah I do wonder if part of the reason for a third is to have me well and truly under him. His behaviour has got worse with each child. He knows he has the power and hates me challenging it. He never used to be like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSpeaking · 21/12/2015 11:34

I feel like I've just woken up.

OP posts:
Marchate · 21/12/2015 11:34

None of them 'used to be like this'. Otherwise they'd never find a partner to control. It's insidious

BitOutOfPractice · 21/12/2015 11:34

Wally is right. The kids will stay with you. In fact, let him tell the judge how loaded he is - that way he'll pay maximum maintenance for the kids

Sounds like you're wakimng up OP. It's painful to hear all this but trust me, he sounds absolutely bloody horrible

AnyFucker · 21/12/2015 11:34

Abusive men don't start off being abusive or no woman would ever start a relationship with him. Many men ramp it up once they have you financially dependent and trapped with kids.

TheSpectreOfMorningtonCrescent · 21/12/2015 11:35

Ffs, kick this cockwomble into touch Asap. Of course he persuaded you to have another kid, it's something else to tie him to you. Are you married? Why would you be out without a penny? They are his kids too. Stop feeding the cunt, let the ow do it, or God forbid he can do it himself. or starve
Be prepared for nastiness though.

zzzzz · 21/12/2015 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 21/12/2015 11:37

Have a look here

You are not alone. Seek help.

ricketytickety · 21/12/2015 11:38

You're not going to get married.

You are easier to manipulate when you are pregnant.

So far he has:
-cheated on you
-emotionally abused you - telling you you shouldn't be upset, you are hormonal, stonewalling you (that's the name for silent treatment - it's a control tactic), gaslights you by pretending he knows nothing about family gatherings when you know you've told him, saying you should be grateful for him doing house chores
-financially abused you - not having your name on the house, no will, telling you all the things you buy are his, making you spend all your spare cash on the children.

Don't be afraid of losing the children. Controlling men always say you aren't capable of looking after them and that they'd get custody to keep you with them. But in the end they don't actually want the responsibility of children (nanny or not) so they gradually disappear. I would say your biggest problem will be getting maintenance from him.

What you need to do: see CAB (citizen's advice bureau) to see how much money you are entitled to as a lone parent and advice on the house and possessions. Call women's aid for advice too. Call a friend. You are close to having a new born - you need an ally - can your mum move in with you for a month or so?

Original poster
NotSpeaking · 21/12/2015 11:43

Thanks everyone for your advice. I know what I need to do now. I'll update you as I go. I think I just needed someone else to tell me this wasn't right, for some reason I'd fooled myself into thinking it was. Putting
Up and putting up with it. I don't even have the energy to have the same conversation about his behaviour that we've been having for months again. I'm actually pleased we aren't talking, just hoping kids aren't picking up on it because infront of them we are behaving fine.

OP posts: