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Original poster

Found something interesting on partners phone...

162 replies

NotSpeaking · 21/12/2015 10:24

We haven't spoken in 3 days, this is really bad. We never not speak. Have been together 11 years, 2 kids under 4 and Im currently heavily pregnant at 8 months with number 3.
The problem is I find him totally inconsiderate. He was depressed for a while and started exercising which was great, but means I have to cook for him at 9/10 pm at night after he has got home from work and done his training. My 2yr old is getting up 3 times a night for some reason and my bladder is waking me up 7 times a night (no bladder infection checked with doctor) To say Im knackered is an under statement. He also falls asleep on the sofa and doesnt come upstairs until 5am which again wakes me up.
He is still being snappy at me with pressures of work and because Im hormonal I do a bit of silent crying about it. Think Ive started to cry everyday, usually Im not so sensitive, Im quite tough nut but at the moment Im not. I have tried to let it go over my head and not react but he woke me up after I had finally got to sleep and I just totally lost it. Earlier in the day I had tried to nap but because he was tickling our 4year old it was making her scream her head off, which obviously woke me again. Since I lost it, he refused to talk to me and we haven't spoken since Friday. We never not speak EVER.
Its been a slow slow burner of me becoming more and more frustrated. I have approached him many times in different ways telling him how tired I am and how he needs to be more considerate. It goes in one ear and out the other. We also havent had sex in months due to miscarriage worries and i find he never initiates any kind of loving kiss and cuddle to me. Looked on his phone and all I can see is porn sites in his history. Im quite liberal so I dont usually mind but today Ive actually seen him looking at an escort sites for escorts in the area where he comes on his way home via train. Im not sure what to think because he looked last night??

OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 21/12/2015 22:14

i agree, information/knowledge is power....forewarned is forearmed
keep him in the dark and keep him sweet/calm for as long as necessary while you arrange the best outcome for yourself behind the scenes

timelytess · 22/12/2015 00:37

Oh and they all say they'll take the kids but he 100% won't. No judge in the world, much less the UK will let that happen just because he's got cash
Just what 'my' barrister said to me in 1986 when my then-stbxh was saying he'd take our dd.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/12/2015 00:59

Take screen shots. Email them to yourself. Then delete them from his phone. If it's an iPhone delete them from the "recently deleted" album too.

cece · 22/12/2015 09:21

Please tell your midwife what is happening. I am sure they will be able to access help for you.

Original poster
NotSpeaking · 22/12/2015 12:27

So late last night after he could hear me rolling around in pain from SPD im suffering from he came to see how I was. We got on speaking terms, which I'm fine with being civil as I don't want kids to start picking up on the fact we aren't speaking.
Fast forward to this morning and his first words to me after I've been downstairs all morning cleaning while he is lying in bed sleeping "why hasn't the salt been changed for the water softener" I didn't respond as I had literally 1/2 HR before done it.
He then works for a couple of hours, then comes up to me and says "what are we going to do about our sons chicken pox mark on his face" he was a baby when he got chicken pox and has a scar on his face, I'm sure by the time he is 7 it will have stretched and gone.
He says "if you hadn't have let him got chicken pox we wouldn't have this problem" I'm actually starting to think he is trying to make me feel like crap to detract what he might be up too. Am I wrong to feel suspicious? He's making problems out of nothing. He is very accusing at the moment.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 22/12/2015 12:35

No, it's a perfectly valid explanation for his utterly bizarre and shit behaviour. He's doing you a favour, nod and smile and plan to get the fuck away from him x

NA200712 · 22/12/2015 13:17

Oh my god he's laughable. What a pathetic excuse of a man. Plan your escape and be happy.

Original poster
NotSpeaking · 22/12/2015 13:23

Oh no. Well listen to this. He went out at 12 to have his hair cut. He has JUST rang me 1hr 20 mins after he left, asking if I want something to eat from the shop, then he said he hadnt got his hair cut because the queue was too long. Hmmmmm on a Tuesday? I don't think so. He sounded really sheepish. I asked where he had been, and he said some crap I couldn't even make head nor tail of. He doesn't know ANYONE in this area to visit them as we moved down from London. Alarm bells

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 22/12/2015 13:27

Take control of your life. Don't wait for him to act before you react.

I wish you well.

cestlavielife · 22/12/2015 13:35

why are you spending all morning cleaning when you have spd?
you already said he rolling in money so why doesn't he pay for a cleaner?

you are too invested in every move and comment he makes,

tune out and ignore.

my exp was just like that moaning and huffing and puffing and everything was my fault. it is so nice when you leave all that behind... focus your energy on getting paperwork and getting out.

NA200712 · 22/12/2015 13:49

He's obviously lying to you.

I really feel for you, what a horrible time of year to have this happen.

MaybeDoctor · 22/12/2015 14:07

Remember, you have one big negotiating tool at your disposal for the next six or so weeks.

You don't have to put his name on the new baby's birth certificate.

MaybeDoctor · 22/12/2015 14:12

If you can bear to, you could use that leverage to insist upon getting married before the birth. Registry office, simple. I think there is about a month before you need to register the birth.

Then you and your children would be hugely better off on divorce.

Original poster
NotSpeaking · 22/12/2015 14:16

Thanks guys. He is now stood in kitchen, tried to engage in conversation with me. I just hmmmmd. Waiting for him to leave his phone so I can check his history for evidence.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/12/2015 14:32

You do not need further evidence or to actually check his phone; its all there in front of your very eyes as it is. You've already written about his previous involvement with an OW during your previous pregnancies. He is probably seeing her again or some other sap.

Use the services of Womens Aid and get yourself and your children out of there asap. This relationship has long since died a death. You will not be breaking up a family by doing that, you will actually teach them good relationship lessons. HE has broken up this family by his very actions.

I would also suggest that when you are free of him you totally reassess your whole approach to relationships. This can be done by starting to unlearn all the damaging crap your parents taught you about relationships when you were growing up. Enrolling also on Womens Aid Freedom Programme would be an excellent idea too.

Jan45 · 22/12/2015 14:40

You have evidence and proof, what else is there to discover?
Attila is spot on.

UninventiveUsername · 22/12/2015 14:47

I agree you don't need to see his phone though I understand why you want to. He might have been seeing one of those escorts he looked up.

Sorry if this has been said but have you had an sti check recently? He might not have slept with anyone else before you got pregnant but it still might be worth being on the safe side. Especially as I think untreated sti's may harm the baby.

Original poster
NotSpeaking · 22/12/2015 15:17

Just had a very interesting conversation. He was telling me I'm hormonal, was shouting and swearing and I can tell somewhere he is lying about something. Just by the way he is looking and engaging with me. I recorded the whole conversation, he has just gone out again to have his hair cut. I was calm as anything. I'm going to start putting my plan in action, I'm actually looking quite forward to it. He tries to make me feel like I am the problem but it's him. Quite funny watching him trying to spin it round. When you know what someone is trying to do it doesn't hurt you the same way. Pathetic individual.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSpeaking · 22/12/2015 15:18

As for STIs, I don't have any. I was checked and we haven't had sex in months. And I will be looking at his phone. I need to see to put my mind at rest.

OP posts:
RomComPhooey · 22/12/2015 15:19

When you know what someone is trying to do it doesn't hurt you the same way.

Yep, a change of perspective can bring fascinating insights. Consider yourself an anthropologist and really study his methods. It will make them a lot easier to see through and ignore if (when) he gets more antagonistic when you split.

UninventiveUsername · 22/12/2015 15:20

I'm sorry for what he has done to you but it sounds as though your eyes have truly been opened which must be a good thing. It sounds like you are in control.

Enoughalreadyyou · 22/12/2015 15:49

That comment about chicken pox scar was to back foot you before he paid for his shag. Evil fuck. My dd had this and now you cannot see it so don't worry.
Could he be a sex addict as his level of control and entitlement are off the scale.
You need to keep quiet and marry him then divorce his arse and get what you as a mother is entitled to
Or cut your losses and get rid. Is there anywhere you could go instead of spending Xmas with him.
Don't play your hand yet or he will up the abuse.

Enoughalreadyyou · 22/12/2015 15:53

You sound switched on to him now. Keep taking control. Plan how you are going to get rid of the mentally cruel twat.

cestlavielife · 22/12/2015 16:19

getting married right now to divorce immediately is pointless would trap you more. you will get maintenance for the DC regardless of being married or not.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/12/2015 17:14

Yes, fuck trying to marry him now, he wouldn't anyway I wouldn't think.

And I'm sorry, it sounds like he's either paying for it or he has an OW. Pathetic is right. X

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