Found something interesting on partners phone...

[NotSpeaking]

We haven't spoken in 3 days, this is really bad. We never not speak. Have been together 11 years, 2 kids under 4 and Im currently heavily pregnant at 8 months with number 3.
The problem is I find him totally inconsiderate. He was depressed for a while and started exercising which was great, but means I have to cook for him at 9/10 pm at night after he has got home from work and done his training. My 2yr old is getting up 3 times a night for some reason and my bladder is waking me up 7 times a night (no bladder infection checked with doctor) To say Im knackered is an under statement. He also falls asleep on the sofa and doesnt come upstairs until 5am which again wakes me up.
He is still being snappy at me with pressures of work and because Im hormonal I do a bit of silent crying about it. Think Ive started to cry everyday, usually Im not so sensitive, Im quite tough nut but at the moment Im not. I have tried to let it go over my head and not react but he woke me up after I had finally got to sleep and I just totally lost it. Earlier in the day I had tried to nap but because he was tickling our 4year old it was making her scream her head off, which obviously woke me again. Since I lost it, he refused to talk to me and we haven't spoken since Friday. We never not speak EVER.
Its been a slow slow burner of me becoming more and more frustrated. I have approached him many times in different ways telling him how tired I am and how he needs to be more considerate. It goes in one ear and out the other. We also havent had sex in months due to miscarriage worries and i find he never initiates any kind of loving kiss and cuddle to me. Looked on his phone and all I can see is porn sites in his history. Im quite liberal so I dont usually mind but today Ive actually seen him looking at an escort sites for escorts in the area where he comes on his way home via train. Im not sure what to think because he looked last night??

if I don't cook he doesn't eat

And?

The house is in his name, the money I do make goes straight on my daughters school fees and sons nursery costs. He hasn't made any kind of will. I'd be literally out with not a penny to my name.

Sums it up really. My DH and I were together for 20 years before getting married but the house has always been in both names and we had wills. Have you spoken to him about this?

When putting the XMAS tree up this year he started saying "other men wouldn't be doing this crap, they'd be down the pub letting you get on with it"

Other men aren't - they are spending time at home with their children

As far as cooking late at night - don't. If my DH is not home when dinner is ready then it's on a plate and he has to microwave it up.

AS blunt as it may sound Anyfucker is spot on.

Staying for the wrong reasons will not help

Please don't "sit it out" in the hope you might marry him.

Fuck his money. No money is worth this misery.

He is a cunt
He is a cheat
He is abusive
He is selfish
He is NOTHING you need in your life.

It's a big thing to wake up and realise that you have to turn your life upside down so start with small steps if that's all you can face.

Draw a line today. Stop cooking for him at night. And if he kicks off about it, point out calmly that you 8 months pregnant, exhausted and he is looking at escort sites, then leave the room.

Get through Christmas by spending as much time at your mums as possible (albeit next door) and then start to form a plan.

You poor poor thing. He is a fucking dick.

Good
Luck notapeaking. Some great suggestions on here esp re getting copies of as much financial
Documentation as possible. If you really decide you want out then play the long game. Don't go for an all out row now and alert him. Keep squirrelling away want you need. And also get a reciprocal will prepared. Before you announce you are leaving. Why would any man not want to ensure his partner and children are liked after? That will be difficult for him to back away from.

Is there any point in sorting out a will when he can just change it as soon as the OP says she's leaving? Seems pointless and not worth the battle. Better to spend your time organising your exit.

Why would anyone cook for a man that late? Doesn't he have arms?

He sounds awful.

I do remember when we had 3 under 4 briefly - 3 year old, 1 year old and new baby and we both worked full time ( crucial fact as I earned more than he did which tips the balance of power of course) It was the hardest stage of our lives but you get through it. I was up every few hours all night breastfeeding and the 1 year old was up a lot too never mind the 3 year old.

At least I had the break of going to work every day (I expressed milk at work) and their father did as much as I did if not more at home.

Op, you said you are OK with the not speaking. Try adding not cooking, not cleaning, not caring.... You will gain some headspace.

You could buy yourself the Lundy Bancroft Bible for Christmas (sorry, can't do links ) - I suggest reading it in the bath maybe at 9/10pm while shit for brains cooks his own 'speshul' food.

And if he doesn't like it, remind him that you are HORMONAL.

he will agree to the will

and then not do it

past behaviour predicts future behaviour when it comes to shit like this

op will do better to get herself away and take him for child support

unfortunately she is not in a position to do anything else (unless she decides to carry on living like this which I certainly do not recommend)

It won't be long until he brings trouble to their door. An escort in the marital bed, an irate OW, a nasty STD, a slap when Op won't STFU about having expectations that he should step up for the family he coerced her into having. A man with so little respect for the mother of his children wouldn't find it too difficult to cross that line.

If he earns lots then do the CMS calculator and see what maintenance he'd have to pay.

unless he's cash in hand/self employed and hides income

I would make an appointment with a solicitor.
Get screenshots of the escort sites on his phone.
Any evidence of the OW documented?
Make 2016 the year you reclaim your self worth and happiness.
He can't take the kids off you.
A settlement wouldn't accept a nanny as better than a mother.
A settlement will look at all finances.
The house situation will be resolved.

I'm glad you've realised what you need to do now op. In the meantime can I suggest that you stop cooking for him? He is an adult. If you don't cook and he ends up not eating, well that is his problem.

It's actually been quite nice him not speaking to me, I've actually enjoyed it.

Imagine living like that for the rest of your life - feeling peaceful and safe in your own home.

You're not stupid to have got in to this situation, it's the boiling frog phenomenon. But you've woken up now.

Oh, my love. There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said already but for you.

He sounds like a really horrible person who has ground you down.

You know what OP, I know you're in a shit situation but I'm glad you have woken up to it and seen it for what it truly is.

This is classic emotional abusive: becoming worse with each child, reminding you that he bought whatever household items when you use his card etc. He doesn't sound horrendous - he actually is.

Would your mother support you despite her wishes that you sit pretty and wait it out?

For your Christmas present to yourself and your children's future partners tell him it is over and get yourself away from this abusive twat. He might earn a six figure salary but he can only do that because you do everything else!

He'll threaten to take the kids - won't last five minutes.

He'll threaten to cut off money to you - he has to legally support the children at a minimum.

He'll threaten to take the house - he is legally responsible for housing them.

He might threaten to harm himself - unlikely but just laugh if he does.

Get some strength and start fixing things now.

- oh op am so sorry for your (very familiar) situation. I think candykane gives great advice - GO SEE A SOLICITOR - just doing this will really help put at ease your worries as you will have a clearer perspective on what your position id likely be legally and financially. Whatever you do, don't let him catch on that you are even contemplating any of this. If you can, also take pics of bank statements\payslips - I never managed to do this before xh emptied the accounts and put it all offshore. I know just now that you must feel terrified and afraid of the future but PLEASE believe me, you will feel that the world has been lifted from your shoulders when this is over and you will feel exhilarated and excited for the future. XXX

This sounds exactly like my situation 4 years.
Dickhead still threatens to take the kids every now and then but it never quite suits him to do it lol
Yes they can cut off the financial support and it's a nightmare to get it sorted, but you do get there in the end and when you do it's like winning the lottery because you have managed without it so you know you can and then it's surplus fun money when it arrives.
Get a land registry interested party form off the net and for £1 you can make sure the house is registered as your family home and cannot be sold from under you and you have the right to remain in it.
Now this is the one that killed me, I had three girls in private school and I took them out, it hurt me so much. They didn't care nearly as much as I thought they would is the absolute truth, one of them it turned out hated it but didn't like to say !!

My best friend was an escort in her 20's and without fail every single client was married or with a serious girlfriend, they'd tell her everything. She's never married.

Please get out of this horrible situation. I feel like crying for you. Don't marry him. He sounds absolutely vile. You show him you are no pushover by leaving him to it. So bloody angry for you.

I'm so sorry OP but he sounds like a classic abuser, as I'm sure you are coming to realise. There is no easy answer here, if you stay, you will become more and more unhappy, and at some point, could even be in danger. You're kids will learn that his behaviour is normal and may even resent you as they get older for staying with him. On the other hand, leaving is not a simple task, you will have a fight on your hands, but at least with this option there is light at the end of the tunnel.

What are you actually getting form this relationship? Are any of your needs being met? Do you feel safe, protected, loved, cared for? Do you feel like you have someone you can rely on, someone who will always have your back? Or are you staying because it seems easier than walking away? Than fighting him, than facing the financial issues? If so, you are doing yourself a disservice - you deserve better than this (and please don't take this as me judging you, it's something we can all be guilty of).

For a start, I would stop doing ANYTHING for him, cooking, washing etc. If he complains, tell him to stop nagging. You're exhausted and you need to put yourself first because you're going to need your strength for what's ahead. You also need to talk to your mum, and if possible, see a solicitor, and as Medical pointed out, be ready for the threats. Please don't sentence yourself to a life of abuse.

Good luck, stay strong and you CAN do this.

This vile man thinks he's entitled to treat you like this. You have to leave him. You poor thing I am so angry on your behalf

Went and spoke to my mum how I was feeling. She started going on about waiting to get married again. Told her I couldn't do that and if my daughter came to her with this, I'd be telling and helping her to move out with her life.
I've decided to buy a bed for the spare room and set up camp in there until I have the baby. I won't be doing any of his washing or cooking, I'll be doing me and the kids... That's it. In the meantime I'll be taking evidence of payslips and any other bank statements etc I can get my hands on. Any spare money I do have I will be putting aside into my savings accounts. Going to need every penny. I'm not prepared to live like this anymore, feel like I've woken up today. The more I spoke to my mum about his behaviour the more I realised how dominating he has become over me since kids arrived. Wasn't like that before. It's him who is insecure and not me. I'm ready to be happy again, even if I have to struggle.

He's basically treating you like shit in the knowledge that you will put up with it, and you have been, escort site and go knows what else, what an absolute dreg of a man.

Please look out your options, you may well be better off as a single parent, he is using you to make himself feel good and doesn't give a toss for your feelings, you don't need to uncover any more and there will be more.

You need your family and friends around you now, not this arsehole.

It's him who is insecure and not me. I'm ready to be happy again, even if I have to struggle.

Well done, OP. I am sure you will do just fine with such a sound basis for action.

Wow, what a tosser! Sounds like he wants a 50's housewife not a modern woman!! If the relationship ended you would 100% have the kids! It doesn't matter how much he earns, if he would have to pay a nanny it shows he wouldn't have any time for his kids. What court would take children away from a loving mother. If you do leave him you just need to get a plan in place. Do you have family you and the kids can stay with while you get on your feet? He's planning on cheating by the sounds of it and your about to have 4 children (including the man child)