Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

works do last night, no wedding ring on Dh this morning

577 replies

Onedayinthesun · 18/12/2015 15:06

We have been together 18 years, 2 Dc and an adult Sc.

No trust issues ever, have never even questioned his faithfulness, I have not once been concerned about anything that would point to cheating at no point in our marriage.

He went out last night to his works Christmas party, I heard him come home at 5am. He slept in the sofa in the kitchen last night at 7.30am I told him to go to bed, he was still drunk - no wedding ring on his finger. I found it in his inside pocket of his suit.

Devastated.

There is no point even asking him why - there is only one reason a man would do this.

I couldn't confront anything this morning I needed to get my kids to school and go to work. I'm numb thinking about what he has done last night, Christmas is ruined.

I have to face him tonight and don't want the kids to find out, he doesn't know I have his ring, I can't talk to anyone in rl

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 20/12/2015 23:05

For me it would be a deal breaker. Sex or not, he wanted to appear single on a night out and if circumstances were different he may well have cheated because this was what he set out to do. At the very least he set out to have a good flirting session.

I might be able to forgive an affair that happened after time while getting close to someone and gradual crossing of boundaries, but this was calculated and while he may not have had an affair the intention was there and he planned it.

I am sorry OP. I hope you can work it out but I know the trust and respect for me would be gone.

Wordsaremything · 20/12/2015 23:09

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I suspect alcohol is a primary issue here, though may be wrong.
It's hard to reconcile your heartfelt description of your middle aged husband with the drunken, brawling, sex-worker consorting oaf he has become.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 21/12/2015 00:03

Have I missed something, did he say that he took his ring off for the strip club? I know that's not a thing men do, having worked in one for a few days.

JohnThomas69 · 21/12/2015 06:00

Leave the woman be. Gawd almighty. She's come to a valid and reasonable conclusion for which I'm sure her partner will reep the consequences. Inferring that she has 'switched off' is neither helpful or kind and rather presumptuous considering this is after all only an Internet forum populated by a bunch of people that are strangers to each other. I'm sure if she needs further guidance I'd expect there's plenty people willing to guide her in the real world that have a greater knowledge of her overall circumstances.

JohnLuther · 21/12/2015 06:39

I agree with JohnThomas, I've seen similar reactions from MN posters before when they don't get the conclusion they want.

It's not Eastenders, MN is not your personal soap opera.

kittybiscuits · 21/12/2015 06:40

Oh all the Johns....

JohnLuther · 21/12/2015 06:46

There's only one Luther Grin

WipsGlitter · 21/12/2015 07:05

Totally agree with johnthomas the vulture-like sneering when the op doesn't immediately LTB really pisses me off.

var123 · 21/12/2015 07:11

Another vote for what JohnThomas said. LTB seems to be the only advice on relationships. Maybe it should be renamed?

BabyGanoush · 21/12/2015 07:23

Agree with the Johns

Cantwaittillboxingday · 21/12/2015 07:29

It's even worse on the thread where the op saw her dp touching up another woman. Really angry there.

Snowglobe1 · 21/12/2015 07:32

It worries that you say he couldn't explain himself. I think on balance it's more likely you still DON'T have the entire story.

shoeaddict83 · 21/12/2015 09:05

Glad you finally got to talk to him OP and sounds like you are dealing with this in your own way which i commend you for. Far too many people on here want a big drama!
I hope this hasnt ruined christmas for you and you are able to get through it and begin to rebuild the trust.
Hope you have a lovely xmas Flowers

Dipankrispaneven · 21/12/2015 09:15

Then why is she waiting for him to "prove they are strong" ? She knows they are not. Words are cheap.

Oh, come off it. She knows the situation much better than you, AF. I completely agree with JohnThomas, it is ludicrous how quickly people jump to "LTB" round here and even more ludicrous how they react when the OP doesn't instantly obey.

And it isn't worrying that he can't explain himself. He almost certainly knows he behaved like a dickhead, he's probably horrified at himself, and he doesn't know how he could be such a dickhead. None of that means that there is any more to the story; indeed, we know from the timing that there won't be.

DiscoDiva70 · 21/12/2015 09:21

I don't think it's a case of people wanting a 'drama'. The Op obviously posted on MN because she was rightfully concerned that her H's wedding ring was missing after he rocked up at 5am having had a night on the piss without her.

What do you expect us to write back to the Op? That there's probably an innocent explanation why something which shows he's supposed to be 'out of bounds' to.other women has been.deliberately removed?

There's NO innocent explanation and I for one have pointed it out because I'm being realistic and I wouldn't want the Op's H to make a fool out of her. Nothing more.

ohhelpohnoitsa · 21/12/2015 09:32

Evabing what does a private dance entail? are these clubs actual brothels? (very naive here)

AnyFucker · 21/12/2015 09:37

Dip and you get off it

My back that is. OP posted for advice and for other's take on her situation. If you want to give yours, go right ahead. But stop ramping up the "drama" (of which there was none before folks came on and started goading with the "MN is a bunch of LTB vipers" shit again)

var123 · 21/12/2015 10:03

It seems there are two camps here:

  • the LTB camp (who believe that the OP's husband is hiding a terrible secret) and
  • those who accept that the OP knows her marriage and her husband better than any of us and so think she should be allowed to make her own judgements

I'm in the 2nd camp.

AnyFucker · 21/12/2015 10:07

There are no "camps"

Op explains the situation. People give their own take on it. Op has the wherewithal to make her own decision.

No dodgy husbands nor faltering marriages were harmed in the making of this thread.

Marchate · 21/12/2015 10:13

That's not correct var123 - there are many views between the extremes. Some of us think the situation has layers that are not at first obvious, but we don't suggest breaking up a marriage!
Only the OP can decide where to go from here. She asked for help and she now has plenty of input, from which she can pick and choose

Potatoface2 · 21/12/2015 10:15

Oh grow up ....These sort of clubs in the UK are regulated there's a no touching rule....naked women do not rub their bodies all over you....I've been in one with my husband....believe it or not women go in them too....There are letchy guys in there but it's mostly guys on stag do's or Christmas parties.....Some of you need to really lighten up and stop being so ltb/bitter....probably all been dumped never got over it and never will....people make mistakes....Some big some small ..you make your own decisions in life....Some can forgive and get on with it or some can lead sad lonely lives trying to encourage people to ltb cos their opinion is right....get over you selves!

AnyFucker · 21/12/2015 10:18

I wish I was as cool as you, potato

Dipankrispaneven · 21/12/2015 10:25

Disco, I don't think he's pretending there is an innocent explanation, is he? OP says he knows he's been a dickhead, which is not the reaction of a man who thinks he has a decent explanation.

AF, pointing out that you can't claim to know the situation better than the OP is in no shape or form ramping up the drama. On the other hand, that is an accurate description of taking the stance that she doesn't in fact know her own situation, her husband cannot prove they are strong and OP's decision is wrong.

You seem to be trying to set your own rules here: in your view the discussion has to be limited to advice to the OP and posters' take on her situation, nothing more. Obviously that isn't the rule, but even if it were, advice can include stating why, in the opinion of the posters concerned, the advice of others is misconceived.

DiscoDiva70 · 21/12/2015 10:29

Oh grow up
That is priceless coming from someone who sounds about 15.

You're obviously incredibly gullible and naive Potato, or maybe you're hooked up with someone who disrespects you and goes out on the piss on the pull? hence your aggression and defensiveness regarding Op's H.

NotSpeaking · 21/12/2015 10:30

If you are going to a strip club you dont take your wedding ring off.. the girls there dont care. They see married men all the time. The only type of girls that would care are those possibly in bars looking for someone that hasnt got a ring on their finger. Sorry to say xx

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.