works do last night, no wedding ring on Dh this morning

[Onedayinthesun]

We have been together 18 years, 2 Dc and an adult Sc.

No trust issues ever, have never even questioned his faithfulness, I have not once been concerned about anything that would point to cheating at no point in our marriage.

He went out last night to his works Christmas party, I heard him come home at 5am. He slept in the sofa in the kitchen last night at 7.30am I told him to go to bed, he was still drunk - no wedding ring on his finger. I found it in his inside pocket of his suit.

Devastated.

There is no point even asking him why - there is only one reason a man would do this.

I couldn't confront anything this morning I needed to get my kids to school and go to work. I'm numb thinking about what he has done last night, Christmas is ruined.

I have to face him tonight and don't want the kids to find out, he doesn't know I have his ring, I can't talk to anyone in rl

god theres lots of bitter women on here....if the op believes his story, which i think is true, then its up to her....a private dance is exactly that a dance ....no touching....its a strict rule in these clubs....and groups of blokes on christmas works outings do these sort of things....and truely its no big deal if its done as a drunken laugh....if he did it every week it would be different....keep making horrible comments, im sure its what the op wants just before christmas!

Bathtime - years ago I dated a sales rep based in London (software sales rep for the banking industry - back in the good old days). It was part of his job (unspoken), to take clients to strip clubs to entertain them. Mostly successful married men too! Strip clubs would not exist if there was no demand for them.

OP - I'm sorry for you that the fucker is completely ruining this Christmas for you.

Give him a massive kick in the balls from me!!!

Eva- I have defended quite a number of cases regarding sales people. Whilst it might be seen as normal in the industry, it isn't by the tribunals and you do end up writing a fat cheque to any pissed off female colleagues, even if they are pissed off about something else entirely.

Potato surely the OP posted because she felt that there was only one reason a married man takes his ring off. He has now given a rubbish excuse that has taken a day and a half to come up with. If it were the truth then why did he not just say so in the first place. Not bitter just know enough to know when men are talking bollocks.

You don't take your ring off unless you want to appear unmarried and then you have to wonder, why would he want to appear unmarried.

Its great that the OP is happy with her husbands truth. Hope that there is no more to come out of this situation.

Potatoface - you DO know what a private dance entails? At the VERY VERY MINIMUM?

Libraries - it's the price they pay for earning the big bucks though, innit!?

yes....i do know.....i have been in a strip/pole dancing club....im not stupid...usually you get a few minutes for the dance....i know some sexual activity goes on, but to be honest ive seen some of the women who work there and most men go for a drunken laugh

Oh yeah. Paying off the women is part of.the price of doing business sadly.

It is changing though. The US parent companies go batshit.

Sorry, sidetrack over.

All those of you who say you still don't believe the OP's husband's story - do you have some special insight into his personality which the OP does not have?

I think it's concerning that your husband goes out frequently with his friends/colleagues/boss to nightclubs, bars, and now strip club, and crashes on the sofa downstairs in the middle of the night or close to morning, you really wouldn't know when he's come in all the times before since you're asleep in bed.

It's very weird for a husband to go out drinking or to bars or whatever. That in itself says to me that they are looking for opportunities to flirt or cheat, why else do this? Guys can bond going to ballgames or any number of events, occasionally going to a restaurant with a bar to watch a game and have a few beers makes sense but this going out on the town with the guys with the main attraction to drink and mingle at nightclubs? Highly inappropriate.

Drinking in nightclubs and bars while your spouse is home in bed is generally for fantasizing or hooking up or cheating with other women. And who knows how often he's taken his ring off before?

OP, you sound like a great person and loyal. How often does your husband go out like that? I know it was a works party, but other than that, how often does he go out drinking/clubbing?

but to be honest ive seen some of the women who work there and most men go for a drunken laugh

well, you sound fucking delightful

handmaidenry is such a good look on you

Merguez
Many of us are just not gullible enough to believe pathetic, far fetched excuses.

Guys just so you know, I know exactly why my Dh removed his ring - and it was not because he was going into a strip club.

Where I am with it now is I needed him to admit that he took the ring off to appear single in public. Not for paid dancers but to other women on a night out. This he has now done. I'm far from OK with this - but I will deal with this myself.

Only now can I process properly what has happened this weekend.

For the record this was a company Christmas party held in a hotel with a sit down meal, the hotel is in the town centre and once the meal and drinks were over it then spilled into the town with the directors leading proceedings. Yes my Dh should have come home at midnight like some of the others, his choice, but he is not on a lead and I've never prevented him going out before - he has never given me cause for any concern.

He has admitted he removed the ring today. I don't need to know why he did it, that doesn't matter to me right now. The fact is he did and he is a dick. But I need to come to terms with it.

This whole saga and his response to me is far from perfect, but we are married and he needs to assure me that we are strong and I will need time to forgive him.

My husband does not go out drinking in clubs as a rule - twice a year tops! And always for an occasion like Christmas or stag nights. He does not rock in at 5am every weekend - but even if he did you have to understand in 18 years I've never not trusted him. I'm no wallflower, totally independent and love my Dh because I want to not because I need to.

He sleeps on the sofa if he has been out for a few beers and a curry with is mates even if he gets in at 11pm - I'm usually in bed at 9pm and don't want to be woken ! It's not strange I promise ;)

Thank you for all your help, concern and challenging my thinking this weekend . I hope to be able to move on from this.

Merry Christmas X

For all the 'coolwives' - Belle has it about right. I used to work in a business where strip clubs, all-nighters and heavy boozing (often with coke) were the norm. I also married two of those idiots, which permanently cured me of being a coolwife.

The thing to note is this: the men who respected their marriages went home after a few drinks. All the others were either single or cheats.

At things like the Christmas party, the men who respected their marriages went home when the company bus came or on the last train. At conference they disappeared off to their rooms when the others went whoring, or hung around with fellow "quieter" delegates.

Cool wife = sucker. I include myself in that (twice!)

This is all a side note to OP's query - so, while I'm here: I wish I'd known that about strip clubs & sex discrimination! What was my union rep thinking!

Why don't you need to know why he removed his ring ?

Your posts are concerning me. You have switched off. Flicked that button that says "uh-oh, can't deal with that....it has to go right under that carpet"

What is it you need to come to terms with ? The fact that your husband has shown himself to be untrustworthy after years of your blind trust

That's is surely a massive bombshell. However, I really think the way to deal with it is not to make it into a nothing, which is what you seem to be doing.

I'm far from OK with this - but I will deal with this myself. Only now can I process properly what has happened this weekend.

Yes. All the best, One.

Why don't you need to know why he removed his ring ?

Because she can see the obvious reason, AF.

Then why is she waiting for him to "prove they are strong" ?

She knows they are not. Words are cheap.

Good luck OP.

I can't help but feel you're giving him an easy ride. Regardless of what went on, his intentions were clear.

Good luck OP. You are going to need it.

How can your marriage be strong when your H is trying to appear single?

Any please don't be concerned. I am so far from sweeping anything under the carpet - there is no easy ride ahead for Dh.

But it's Christmas I have two children, my eldest has health problems and I am just winding up my post here on MN - you don't know my real life and I don't have to detail what and how I will deal with this - but I will.

"Oh my darling I didnt know you wanted an open marriage Why didnt you say"

If your best mate rubbed her naked body over your husband during a dinner party would that be ok Potato? For a laugh like. Why is it different just because money changes hands.

OK. Of course MN is not the endpoint here.

Take care

Oneday, just read the thread sorry you are having such a crap time, but just wanted to say you are a fab mum for keeping the children out of your arguments xx hope you get everything sorted

Didn't want to read and run. Very sorry you're going through this OP but it sounds like you're handling it the right way. Sending some cyber support.

just need to add that I CANNOT believe one poster suggested that you may be more of a guilty party than your DH purely because you tracked his phone.. I'm not surprised you did after what you discovered! Honestly some women act so big headed because they would never ever ever check up on their partners because that's trust issues and that's not a healthy relationship. Yes, this is true if there is no arousal for suspicion. But god forbid you do some detective work to find out some truth when you've got unexpected reason to doubt!

Sorry for the rant OP. I hope you feel a little less sad by Christmas cyberhug