Step inside it's the Dating Thread 93

[SweetPotato1]

Looks like this needed to be kicked off again..

The Rules

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin
3. Do no invest emotionally too soon
4. It's all BS until it actually happens
5. Trust your gut instinct
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you
8. If it's not fun- stop
9. Loo update is mandatory

10. No dating the thread

Hello all

Ok this is a long one.....
So just back from date No.1 with Mr Daisy

For those of you who don't know, he told me he lives with his ex and 2 dc in a 4-bed house. Initially I declined to meet on this basis although in his pics he looks v fanciable. Then he got in touch about a month later and asked me if I would come off the site and text. I told him he was trying to send me cock shots etc then we got into some cheeky banter about that and I decided against my better judgement to meet and see what's what.

So within moments of meeting we click and shortly after that are laughing and joking - I mean really laughing, and I realise I DO fancy him We had a lovely evening and had loads to talk about. Had loads of work stuff in common which is really unusual, we talked about lots and lots.

However he has been 'separated' almost 3 yrs (I've been separated 2.5 and am divorcing and my finances are sorted and I own my house and have had 1 yr counselling and 6 months psychotherapy). He has sleepwalked into a new setup with his wife. There is no plan re divorce, they all amicable to the extent that they still go on holidays together, and are having a family Xmas with his wife's parents and his wife's sister. So as far as I'm concerned this is no different from thousands of marriages up and down the country! I think he has been very passive about the situation in that it has evaded the need for difficult decisions and means he still lives with his dc. Passivity about this shot is not a quality I admire.....

So I have thanked him for a lovely evening and tomorrow I will tell him that getting involved with him will be walking into a whole load of hurt. And will give him an open dating invitation to get back in touch when he has moved on from his marriage.

to meet someone who I click with like that - fun and laughter and sex is EXACTLY what in after. But:
for upholding standards!

......... NEXT!!!!

Found you all!!!!

Right I think I am all caught up.

sweetpotato welcome!!!

lacob tell us more!

waving you have the patience of a saint. I would have told Mr Soho where to go by now. But well done to you for persevering. I personally wouldn't contact him or see him until he upped his game.

handy what a shame! But I totally agree with you on the not dating that guy. He's getting all the comfort of a marriage/ relationship without being in one in the strictest sense. A friend of mine dated a guy like this for a year. In that year he hadn't moved anything forward. They broke up. 4 years later he's still in that house, dating other people and sleeping with his wife. Not making one move towards divorce. Odd.

destiny how was your sex date? . Most envious.

Ooooo jolly do report back!!!!

prizey that would totally put me off! Even if I'd seen a guy a few times that's a bit much IMO. Red flags galore, run!!!!!

stormtreader welcome!!! It is quiet. People are busy seeing friends and going to parties. I certainly have no time/ plans to date etc until the new year.

tantadm let us know how being 'friends' works. You'll sooooo end up kissing (as you should, life is just a little too short!)

Hope everyone has a fab weekend. I'm off on a weekend jolly with friends. Looking forward to hearing back re everyone's dates!

Ahahahah, thanks Sassy! My best friend is babysitting my girls overnight tonight, so I will be very disappointed if no kissing occurs. IT'S TODAY, I AM SO NERVOUS. I feel like I have the beginnings of a cold coming on, but I'm downing hot juice and paracetemol!

Have a great weekend, all. xx

Ooh Tanya that sounds exciting - do report back?!

Thanks Handy, I will! We just had a nice wee chat online. I have reasonable high hopes! :)

Well done Handy.

An extra for knowing that men that you get on well with and fancy DO EXIST.

Haha, Sassy - here is the Popcorn report: I think I made a mistake agreeing to that 36 hours long date which was only date #4.. Anyways I think we both pretty much know everything about each other and I am not as keen as I was before. Argh.
(Sorry this is going to be pretty long) it rather started off on a wrong foot since when we met at the station he seemed preoccupied and would not tell me why. I told him he could and should tell me and if he did not he better cheer up and move on. A couple hours later he spilled the beans and explained his ex was stranded in a foreign city he encouraged her to go to and she does not speak that language and he does. I told him to sort his mess out or I would be going back to the station. Which he did, I never heard of her again during the next days. After some questioning it turns out they have only been over for a "couple months" after 2 years of long distance relationship, she is still very much into him and "he feels he owes her some kind of friendship." It was kind of as shock since I was under the impression he had been single for a while and never had LTR. I cannot remember whether he actually said it and therefore lied or if it was something I gathered -wrongly- from prior dates. I need to take notes!
We had a fun evening after that - no mention of the ex whatsoever. It was a great date. On Thursday we went sightseeing, everything was going swimmingly well despite the fact it was much quieter both sleep deprived Until he started a heart to heart conversation about life,expectations,work, love and the rest. I am all for discussing things but that just made everything awkward. There he was telling me his current number 1 priority is his job, that over the last 8 years he was barely single for 2 years, that he is not looking for a LTR (cue note taking), that he wants to find a job abroad..."and him being here with me and holding my hand did not mean anything."
Well it actually did not - until he felt the need to state it out loud. It just cast a second shadow on the trip.. Dinner #2 went fine - probably thanks to the wine and we got back yesterday.

All in all, I may be jumping to conclusions but I am not sure Popcorn and I are well matched at all. We do have a lot in common but I am not sure I like the fact he is very much of a killjoy, just unable to enjoy the moment without finding a way to ruin it. I also discovered that he cannot stand silence and systematically fills it with some kind of egocentric monologue. (Longest one lasted 11 min, I checked!). Or he launches a political debate because he knows we do not share the same views. He launches it, does most of the talking, does not listen nor gives up even if I am not interested (you know like at 8 am) and I make it very clear. My ears are bloody bleeding !!!
And worst of all, Popcorn is I think a dating rule 7 offender: he does not try to impress me at all. Maybe he did with the whole trip idea but then it just died down. There was nothing unexpected, fun or a little crazy. And he knows I like that. Perhaps I am asking for too much but I am after passion and fireworks... Not a FWB kind of situation. The love soufflé has collapsed haha

Anyways, my report is almost as long as my date - sorry about that!

Oh Jolly is it all a bit too hard work at this stage?

Prizey text bombing indeed. A sense of false intimacy and a pain in the arse, especially if you aren't even dating. And definitely if you have not even met. WTF?

Waving what's happening with Mr Writer? Definitely sit on your hands re texting Soho. It's not games I don't think, just sending a consistent message with less room for being messed about (sort of relates to text bombing really). Distraction definitely a must. Speaking of which.....

Mr Daisy has texted 3 times and is asking for another 'leap of faith' and wants a chance to convince me his relationship with his ex is just a parenting one. Ha. I have been frantically on Zoosk (paid subscription today even though I'm supposed to be working and wrapping the last Xmas prezzies) just to distract myself (exhausted POF for now) and take my attention elsewhere.

No. Joy. On one hand, having 3 texts from him today is a bit out of order given what I said this morning. On the other had looking on Zoosk just made me think of how lovely and what a 'good fit' Mr Daisy is. Arrrggghhhh. Can feel myself being drawn to utterly stupid idea of fwb situation. The chemistry is there, I know I could. I so could and it's been a while . Oh wise women of MN I felt very strong last night and this morning, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease stop me doing something stupid. I know I am just walking into my own trap. Please tell me to get a grip. FFS.

Am on call. tbh the best thing that could happen right now is for my work phone to ring and get called out all night. Either that or a bucket of cold water over my head is requested please.

Well indeed. And that's exactly what I said to him. He had said last night that she knew about the date and had wished him luck. Having a place of one's own makes it easier to get the measure of someone. I can't do that with him. Truly I believe he has been passive and naive about the situation and how it may affect his dating prospects, though I can easily see why - given his job and his own family circs. That alone means he's not relationship material. He is sweet and fun and sexy and I can see could have laughs.

Am considering FWB. At the mo. He has texted loads today. I don't mind

Sorry sorry sorry for monopolising the thread about him.

Handy that must be so hard to meet a guy you really click with and then he has those living arrangements! Sod's law. I wouldn't write him off totally ( but don't listen to me, I have terrible boundaries and low self esteem!) Was thinking it's not necessarily a total deal breaker if he's being completely honest and transparent about his situation. I think most men are pretty lazy and maybe he's not met someone he likes enough to motivate him to chsnge things. ( although that's not a good sign either...)

How would you feel about going to his house and seeing what it's like and how the relationship is with his ex? Then you would know for sure...

I'm so knackered today, hung over and only had 4 hours sleep ( translation: the sex date went well..!

handy that must be a very annoying situation but I am with the others in thinking that you do need to step away. Staying in the same house for 3 years shows not much gumption in my book (though I know there can sometimes be good reason) and maybe if he is that into you he may re-examine whether his living arrangements are conducive to him moving on.

jolly that sounds like a super-sized date! I do think that with the right person it wouldn't be that hard at this stage. )But what do I know - only had my first date for 20yrs a few weeks ago )

I have had zero interest on match so decided to join POF just to widen the net so to speak. I know that means more rubbish to trawl through but I am prepared with my twat-radar on high alert. At least on POF you can block people sending you messages so no more 60 yr olds messaging me!

So far seems ok and have found a couple of people to chat to - one sounds nice so hopefully can arrange coffee as I have a couple of days free next week with kids away.

I have to say that although I am amusing all my smug married friends with my tales of woe and weirdos, it does feel a bit like I am looking for a needle in a haystack some days!

Can I join. Yeh, I've my settings set that nobody over 52 could message me but one man had his age as in as 50 but it was a fake dob as he turned out to be 60. I didn't meet him in rl thankfully but he was condescending when I told him I was cancelling our date. Said "now I won't hear about your "extraordinary" life'. He had extraordinary in inverted commas. I thought about reply, no, you won't, and I won't have to hear about your ''life'', but I didn't bother in the end.

Hello mince yes I find it strange that anyone wants to start off the getting to know you process with such a blatant lie about their age A year over might be understandable (but still doesn't paint a good picture if honesty is up there on your desired qualities!) but 10 years older!

Some messages I have had just seem to be argumentative - one gem ' why does everyone on here like running?' Just that! No intro hello plus that as a slightly sarky comment and saying something about him, just the start of berating me for liking running as if it a terrible thing.

Yes Start I could not have put it better than that - I too think that with mr Right it would have been easier. Or perhaps Waving is right and he freaked out. I have to admit I was expecting a fun, light moment and he systematically dragged me back on earth with his comments. So either it was his way of slamming the breaks or he was feeling awkward.

I am thinking the former - he has been silent ever since we got back, no text, no call, nothing. And he has been online. I am starting to see a pattern here. So I have just sent a text asking how the party he was going to on Friday went and attached a funny picture. Will see what happens..

Justaboy & sweetpotatoe & men out there: if you knew the girl you were just starting to date was going through a rough time in her own life but does not show it or discuss it with you, do you think it would change your behavior towards her? If so, in what way? Would you automatically feel trapped in some kind of relationship because she has told you what was going on?

JollyXmasJumper No i don't think so. I do expect that most people of say over late twenties or thereabouts are going the have some what's it called baggage is it?, well i have some too, its neatly tided away but if she wanted to hear it shes welcome. I'd like to hear her past history too in case there was anything that does upset her badly reason being i would make an effort not to mention that, or bring the subject up in case it causes her hurt but I don't think that's a behaviour modification as such.

WavingNotDrowning LOL!, haven't written any headlines but I'm a 64 year old who sometimes behaves like an idiot of 20, and sometimes like a wise old sage of 100 but generally somewhere around the mean of those ages.

Argh, so last night was a disaster! Had fun with friends, then later in the evening, Mr.....let's call him Northerner for anonymity, had a chat, it was initially quite fun and flirty, but quickly turned oddly intense. The upshot is that he can't deal with the fact I have an ex and kids, and he admits he has feelings for me, but is letting my situation override that. So he's holding out for this single, uncomplicated woman when I know we could have a brilliant time together. His friends are all telling him he's an idiot and that I am out of his league, and he is turning his annoyance at that on to me.

So I won't be pursuing it any further!

Oh, and he is going on a first date tomorrow with someone from 40 miles away who he met via OLD. Not going to bother flogging this dead horse!