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Original poster

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

447 replies

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 19:50

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

OP posts:
SuckingEggs · 17/12/2015 19:39

*none not mine

BathtimeFunkster · 17/12/2015 19:40

So you are fine with him feeling other women's arses in public as long as he never sees them again?

OK, it's your life.

If you want to spend it with a lechy creep who doesn't respect you, then have at it.

Please learn the lesson of how stupid it was to give up so much for a bloke who won't even give up other women for you.

Whenischristmas · 17/12/2015 19:42

It's your choice obviously but I don't understand why you are not setting the ground rules.

BathtimeFunkster · 17/12/2015 19:43

Also it takes the pressure off that you aren't that pushed about having kids.

Staying with a man like this would be madness if you were looking for a decent co-parent.

And obviously no woman in her mid 30s who wants kids has a year to waste waiting to see whether her octopus arms sleazy boyfriend keeps feeling up arses on nights out.

Offred · 17/12/2015 19:44

He works with her, of course he will see her again!

He will get angry with you and say you are being unreasonable and she's just a work mate and how he indulged your ridiculous fuss over nothing last time but will not be controlled by you anymore and he's carry on emailing, going for coffee and out for drinks and touching her up/staring into her eyes on nights out until he gets her into bed...

Are you not at all concerned that he was thinking you'd be away and he could bring her home if things went well and you'd be non the wiser.

KiwiJude · 17/12/2015 19:45

Yes, you are being a fool. If you do stay, at least protect yourself financially. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant.

Aussiebean · 17/12/2015 19:51

Maybe you should use this time to get an agreement down in writing over the finances.

Just in case.

roundaboutthetown · 17/12/2015 19:51

It isn't that small a world. If you think having once worked with his colleagues means they will report anything back to you, you really do have another thing coming.

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 17/12/2015 19:52

Oh petalpotter I know how hard it is to leave someone, but you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain if you stay with this man. I held on to a man just like this for 20 years. He did the same, time and time again.

He thought you were out of town. He was groping another woman. He would have slept with her, had you not scuppered his plan. Aren't you worth more than this? I think you are.

He has shown you who he is. Why aren't you believing what you see?

And....by giving him a second chance, you are telling him that what he did wasn't a deal breaker. So, he's now in a stronger position than before. Before today, he didn't know where your line was. Now he knows that what he has done hasn't crossed your line. So he can do the same again. Can't he?

Offred · 17/12/2015 19:55

And if you have to go round texting his colleagues to check up on him you will get a reputation as a crazy woman. The colleagues were clearly fine with what he was doing. They are likely used to it or think it is not a big deal otherwise they would have put a stop to it themselves. That means they a. Will minimise and keep secrets from you in future and b. Everyone will gossip about you being a crazy woman.

Paddingtonthebear · 17/12/2015 19:55

From someone who has been in this situation my advice is to get out now. He is playing you and he won't change and I bet you are not hearing the full story. He is probably known as the office sleaze. Sorry. It sounds like he already has you fooled but I would urge you to take a long hard look before committing to him.

Original poster
petalpotter · 17/12/2015 19:57

It has not been easy, but I need to do what is right for me at this time. For now, I want to stay.

I don't want to minimize, but from what I have heard from ex colleagues who were present, none of them saw him touch her. In fact, they all thought she was all over him. One colleague did hear him openly complement her body, so I know he wasn't being that discreet. I also know what I saw.

OP posts:
InvoluntaryCelibacy · 17/12/2015 20:00

I don't mean this to sound rude but... are you just staying with him because it's the easiest way of having a kid? Tell me if I'm wrong but that was what I got from reading your posts op. I only read yours and I could tell halfway through that you were going to stay. If I'm right about the kids things you'll have a kid, he'll cheat on you and you'll be a single mum. As long as you're okay with that! I'm a single mum and it's not that bad. Sorry again if I've come across as rude

Offred · 17/12/2015 20:01

Well yes... Colleagues never protect the sleazy man and speak nastily about the woman... Do they... I refer you to the last post.

They were closer to it than you, they'd been watching it longer than you. They didn't have an issue with it and didn't stop it themselves and then they minimised and blamed her...

Please don't be a fool over this... Believe what you saw with your own eyes not what him and his mates tell you to believe.

fourquenelles · 17/12/2015 20:02

I don't want to minimize, but from what I have heard from ex colleagues who were present, none of them saw him touch her. In fact, they all thought she was all over him. Not what you said you witnessed in your opening post petal. Do what you need to do but know that MN will be here for you when you need support.

Garlick · 17/12/2015 20:03

I understand that you have to take your time and do what suits you now.

I've got to point out that the others would say "she was all over him" because they want to try and save your pride & feelings! Trust the one who confirmed what you overheard, not the others.

Good luck :)

Offred · 17/12/2015 20:04

If you are going to stay do not allow what you saw to be replaced by what you've been told.

Sort out some financial protection and do not have a baby with him. Tell him straight he is inappropriate with her and you expect it to stop if he won't accept that then you have a choice; leave or suck up living with a cheating lech IMO.

Paddingtonthebear · 17/12/2015 20:08

I'm confused. Didn't you say

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was

Original poster
petalpotter · 17/12/2015 20:08

If you are going to stay do not allow what you saw to be replaced by what you've been told.

I feel like this

OP posts:
Offred · 17/12/2015 20:12

Yes, make it clear that you know what you saw. That you will not have it minimised or swept under the carpet. That he has behaved badly and you are prepared to move forward with him but only if he acknowledges that is the way you feel about his behaviour. That he must never do that again and that he has allowed and encouraged this to develop from an attraction to inappropriate behaviour which is not acceptable. He cannot see her again. Full stop. Next time he finds someone attractive he must deal with it properly.

MoMoTy · 17/12/2015 20:12

You do know you will be back in this position in just a matter of time.
Think about it, he didn't care that mutual colleagues saw all of this and it might get back to you. Who knows what else has happened. And you already know how he 'looked' at her. You were not even meant to see all this, but it worked out that way for a reason.

But as you are willing to forgive a one night stand from him, it's not surprising that you decided to stay.

Original poster
petalpotter · 17/12/2015 20:14

Paddington - I wrote that when I was in shock. I was hurt. It cut so deep it was almost like I witnessed them having sex.

But, I know I didn't witness them having sex. I also know that he was touching her. If I could replace that comment with a rational objective view of what I saw, rather than my emotionally charged recollection, I would say this:

His hands were gently on her back, rubbing her back gently. He then slowly and hesitantly lowered his hands to the top of her bum. He then had an open discussion with her about her attractiveness.

Maybe the above is even worse....

OP posts:
Offred · 17/12/2015 20:14

Because you deserve respect from him. Other people deserve the respect of not being lead on or touched in an innaproptiate way/perved over, especially when they are falling down drunk and he should have more respect for himself than behaving like that.

Paddingtonthebear · 17/12/2015 20:15

Even if she was all over him too, she's not the problem. He is in a relationship with you and he was all over her and you SAW him. It could be a mistake that he won't repeat again but, ugh. Trust is an issue and won't you be wondering now?

I feel for you. He's got you questioning yourself now and you don't want any of this to be true. Been there. It sucks.

roundaboutthetown · 17/12/2015 20:16

You've confirmed that the majority of his colleagues are liars, yet you still want to believe them. I know it's hard to have to accept that he isn't the only person to have betrayed you, just the worst, but honestly... What made you think they would be honest? Presumably, having worked with him for longer, or at least more recently, their loyalty/self-interest lies more with him. He probably has more on all of them, if nothing else, that would encourage them to close ranks and shut up.

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