Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

[petalpotter]

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

[GarlicCake]

I don't see petal as daft or more self-deceiving than anybody else in her situation.

It makes sense to consolidate her material position before starting a better future without this disloyal twit.

Different if she were living with abuse, but this is living with disappointment - can be worthwhile in the short term.

Don't attempt to keep it up for too long, petal, or it'll screw up your emotions. Will six months do the trick? I'd love to think of you finding your own place and sailing forth in the summer!

[WishICouldFlyAway]

Sorry, I've not read the whole thread yet, but had to pick up on this:

but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him

No, no, no, no, no!!!!! I don't know why so many women think like this - social conditioning probably! You shouldn't be asking if you are enough for him, you should be asking if he is enough for YOU!

I'll go read the rest of the thread now!

[goodnightdarthvader1]

I can't see that any amount of money or career is worth living in this situation for 6-12 months...

This. I have a friend doing exactly the same thing, squirrelling money away so they can split (while still taking exotic holidays alone once a month) - but she has pretty much admitted she doesn't want to end it with her shit of a boyfriend because she's afraid of being alone. I think that's what's actually going on here.

[Buttercup443]

OP you have been given great advice and the gift of seeing what your partner is like without you in the room.

Clearly there is something amiss in your relationship in general and unless you fox this together he is bound to repeat his actions. It could also be that he is a general sleaze bag with a reputation for this sort of behaviour hence no interference from others.

As another poster said you keep stating these "truths" that he's been telling you. You do not KNOW what the truth is and he is not likely to tell you!

Chances are you will just stay in this relationship out of laziness, comfort and fear of being alone.

He knows that and he will do it again, just be more careful about not being caught.

Wait till you are pregnant and your body changes irrevocably and you're sleep deprived after birth and he is out with others and watch your relationship fall apart and be financially dependent on him and with a kid.

You will be in the same situation again, trust me, I have been there and then got my ducks in a row and acted. Please know that you are worth so much more. You deserve a loving loyal partner who loves you deeply and doesn't stab you in the back.

[Buttercup443]

Fix, not fox

[Jibberjabberjooo]

I have a friend doing exactly the same thing, squirrelling money away so they can split (while still taking exotic holidays alone once a month) - but she has pretty much admitted she doesn't want to end it with her shit of a boyfriend because she's afraid of being alone. I think that's what's actually going on here

The op has said she's mid 30s and wants to get married and have a baby. I think this has a lot to do with it as well. Only splitting when you've got children is a 100 times harder.

[Baconyum]

Splitting when you have children is harder in a practical sense yes, I was a sahm with a 2 yr old no income of my own, armed forces accommodation which I knew I'd have to leave etc.

But I had no qualms emotionally about leaving. I stopped sex (health concerns I didn't trust him to play safe!) And got my ducks in a row as MN says (solicitor, own separate bank account, cb and CTC paid into my account etc) and then he was out!

I saw my mum putting up with crap for years (dv different kinda crap but its still crap!) And was always determined I never would.

I'm still single but I don't ever regret it. There were 2 ow (all 3 of us overlapping at one stage ) he worked with both of them. He's now married one and cheats on her frequently too Inc her best friend.

[petalpotter]

DP and colleague ended up at the same function this week.

[petalpotter]

DP and colleague ended up at the same function this week. A very good friend also happened to be there. I had already confided in her about what happened. Everyone was sober apparently. DP and colleague didn't talk much at all. Of the 4 hours they were there, maybe spent 10mins talking.

However, something very odd happened towards the end. As everyone was saying their goodbyes, my DP asked colleague for an extra peck on the cheek seeing as everyone got 2 when he only got 1.

This is crazy right? Can't be innocent.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

Wtf do you want us to say? You had all the answers you needed on this thread weeks ago, but you didn't want to hear it. Anyone trying to help you now is wasting their time - you'll talk it around in your head again.

[FluffyPersian]

I'd suggest it's because you have basically 'forgiven' him for groping her before... therefore it's a green light to do whatever he wants as you won't leave him.

I think any man with a modicum if respect for his partner wouldn't behave in the way he has - and no, it's not innocent in my opinion.

The question is.... what now?

[Pebbles601]

It is unhealthy to be in this type of relationship. So this will run around and around in your head now and shows how much distrust is in your relationship. Staying just because of finances etc will not bring you happiness. This man cannot be trusted and has treated you with a complete lack of respect. I think you know this deep down. Plus just because they didn't chat for long, well obviously he knew after the last time he will be being watched! You are far better shot of him but only you can take that step.

[onemorechance]

I am just really sad. Disappointed and sad. Maybe I thought my guy was different.

[SuckingEggs]

I agree with darth.

What do you expect?

[petalpotter]

6 years wasted. I don't understand why he would do this. Is it really worth it? Why throw this all away for a grope and kiss?

[SuckingEggs]

Petal, it sounds like it's sinking in, am I right? For your own good, it needed to. I'm sorry you're hurting but maybe it's time to make a plan?

[Florene]

Petalpotter are you also onemorechance?

[petalpotter]

I feel so humiliated. Why has he done this, he has never expressed any desire to leave me. We have so many commitments together. I can't understand what would make him risk our relationship.

[Pebbles601]

Petal, he probably doesn't see it as a risking it as he got away with it before and you didn't leave. I agree, now is the time to make a plan.

[petalpotter]

Trying to decide whether it's worth confronting him or just quietly keep things ticking over till I can leave.

I feel so stupid.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Google "sunk cists fallacy".

And he doesn't think he's risking anything. Because you're just going to put up with it.

Assuming, that is, that there's anything resembling "reasoning" in his tiny reptilian hindmind. You're looking for rational thought where there is none.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Costs, not cists...

[Pebbles601]

I don't think any good can come from yet another confrontation. If you have made up your mind it might be best to focus on you now and make a plan for your exit. You are not stupid, sometimes in these situations you hope for the best, as you put your time and effort into someone who then treats you like shit. You deserve better. Bottom line.

[Wristy]

Eugh. He actually sounds like a pest.
'Ooh, can I have another kiss, everyone else got 2??'.
She probably wanted to keep him at arms length following his behaviour before Christmas. Did he persue you in this manner?

[RivieraKid]

He does sound like a pest. You said in a PP you could tell she wasn't 100% comfortable with his behaviour; so first he gropes this woman, then he demands extra farewell kisses. WTF you doing with this sleazebag?