Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

447 replies

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 19:50

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

OP posts:
SquareRootOfPie · 17/12/2015 07:58

Give the OP five minutes to process the information though.

Trills · 17/12/2015 08:04

I guess allowing oneself to be touched is proactive enough.

I disagree.
Women are trained (not deliberately but insidiously) to put up with things that men do and "not cause a fuss".
To give men the benefit of the doubt.
To think "oh he's just drunk, he doesn't mean anything by it".
Not to do anything that would embarrass them (like pointing out that they are being inappropriate).
Failure to push him off is not the same as encouragement.

That doesn't matter anyway - his behaviour is what concerns you.

Goodbetterbest · 17/12/2015 08:24

OP, I turned a blind eye for years and years.

I could see the red flags, but I had another child with him and am very much a 'make the best of it' sort of person. So I did.

But he didn't change his behaviour. He simply compartmentalised and carried on.

We split last year. After 15 years and 4 kids. It was ALWAYS there. I knew. I just looked away.

I am exceptionally happy to be free of him.

robindeer · 17/12/2015 08:39

That's exactly what I thought when I read that Trills. We are trained not to make a fuss, sadly that is actually a defence tactic. Smile nicely and get away. Sad and sickening (but not what it sounds like was going on here).

OP I am very sorry for you, I won't offer advice in terms of leave him/stay but I will say that often those closest to you don't always have your best interests at heart. They are quite often more invested in the status quo and what they perceive to be your best chance of happiness. Do what you think will make you happy. Good luck Flowers

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/12/2015 08:43

I find it hard to believe a woman would let a man touch her ass just because she was trained not to make a fuss. Sorry. She would at least have recoiled a bit if the attention was unwelcome.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/12/2015 08:44

Also I agree with the calls to LTsleazyB

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/12/2015 08:46

I must say however whether she wanted it or not is not really relevant..he is at fault.

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 17/12/2015 08:57

Am I the only person to think, that him arranging his Leaving "do" on the night the Op was meant to be out of town, was rather deliberate? And that had the Op indeed stuck to her plan, and not been around, that he would have had this woman in their bed that night?

Pigeonpost · 17/12/2015 08:59

Ewwww. What a lech. Kick him to the kerb and find a decent man for marriage and babies. Thanks

FredaMayor · 17/12/2015 09:15

OP, why do you think it was 'out of character'? I don't think it was, I think that it was just the first time you saw it and you are looking for a mitigating factor for his behaviour.

Your partner has played you for a fool IMO because even if you weren't there to witness it there was a risk what happened would get back to you via gossip. That does not present a picture of a person who cares very much about the future of your relationship. It seems there is little left to save from your partner's point of view. I think you should cut your losses.

roundaboutthetown · 17/12/2015 11:40

Out of character, my eye. Not every man thinks arse fondling is a good line in innocent first-time flirtation! Unless it is very much wanted, it's sexual assault. He was marking his territory for everyone to see. A bit like a dog peeing up a lamppost.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 17/12/2015 11:43

Yeah, I don't believe this "out of character" bullshit. You telling me the first time he tries this is at an office party, when his DP is out of town, at his age? Bollocks.

OP is still trying to mitigate.

ninared · 17/12/2015 12:12

you need to move on however hard. He will never change :(

Offred · 17/12/2015 12:18

It's not out of character behaviour is it? It's just you finding out what he is really like.

Take notice.

And this is not about him having strong feelings for someone he wants to leave for and who is going to win him. This is about him deliberately developing and fostering an inappropriate relationship with someone else whilst he was deliberately faking a future with you which caused you to make decisions which may now disadvantage you financially based on his deliberately faked future.

Who could or should forgive any of that?

AskingForAPal · 17/12/2015 16:21

Even if he doesn't do it overtly in front of colleagues, I bet he often does it while "being a gentleman" and walking female colleagues to the bus stop, or otherwise out of sight.

I work with a guy a bit like this. I know his friends, we work together, everyone knows he is engaged, but that doesn't stop him trying to hold my hand (!!!) or otherwise touch my inappropriately in pub or going out situations. All I feel I can do is move away if possible or not touch his back at least. It's grim. And it doesn't mean he "has feelings" for me, he just likes to get drunk and touch women - that much is perfectly clear.

Goingtobeawesome · 17/12/2015 16:23

You are with a man who thinks it is okay to publicly grope another woman while supposedly having a girlfriend. Stay with him and you have just given your permission for him to do what he wants.

Goingtobeawesome · 17/12/2015 16:30

It's worse that she was drunk. Less able to say fuck off and you saying she allowed him to touch her is on the road to victim blaming.

Original poster
petalpotter · 17/12/2015 19:19

Thanks for all the messages, advice, opinions etc.

I have spoken to him and have had time to think. I am going to give him a second chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
petalpotter · 17/12/2015 19:20

I am not 100% convinced it is the right thing to do, but I am going to be more alert and more aware of how I and he feel for the next 6 -12 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
petalpotter · 17/12/2015 19:22

I have not made any demands, haven't even said to him to never see or speak to her again, BUT, I have my own internal rules. If he sees her (and I will know, very small world), I am gone.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 17/12/2015 19:22

That was quick! Sorry but you are being a fool.

SuckingEggs · 17/12/2015 19:37

Shock he's not trustworthy though...

OhDearMuriel · 17/12/2015 19:37

I really feel for you, it must be awful, but his eyes didn't lie - you witnessed the depth of them yearning for her.
Seems that due to their common business interest, she's not going to be going anywhere anytime soon. Horrible to have that hanging over you.

SuckingEggs · 17/12/2015 19:38

Um, unless you'd been there you'd be mine the wiser. You'd be the last to know.

Re-read the email.

Baconyum · 17/12/2015 19:39

Wow! See u back here in 6 months after you've found its a full blown affair I suspect. Cos he's gonna think he's got away with it and can do what he wants.

Swipe left for the next trending thread