Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

[petalpotter]

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

[MoMoTy]

I really don't know what more you need to see right in front of your face for you to catch a wake up. This man is blatantly showing you how little he cares. You deserve so much better. Yes it's 6 years, but be thankful it's not 10/20 like so many other people.

[AcrossthePond55]

Petal, It's because it's who he is. He doesn't see it as throwing anything away for a grope and a kiss. He doesn't see that the grope and the kiss are wrong in the first place. Look at it like this; you truly, honestly believe that if you see yummy food in a fridge, you can just take it. The reality of course is that you shouldn't. The person to whom it belongs will go hungry at lunch. But this doesn't even hit your radar and you are completely shocked when that person raises merry hell with you for stealing their lunch. That's him. He honestly doesn't get it. And he never will.

Some women can live with this in a partner, this excessive flirting, the 'touchy-feely', the ego boost he gets from it. For some men it's a precursor to cheating, for others the flirting is the 'end' in itself. But either way it's disrespectful to you and takes something away from your relationship. He's getting some type of satisfaction from these encounters that he should be keeping within his marriage. The flirting, touching, and words should be said to you, his wife. Because it's you that he should be trying to please. It's your opinion of his 'sexiness' that should matter to him.

He isn't going to change. In fact, as he gets older he's going to get worse AND he's going to start looking more and more ridiculous and be more and more offensive to the women he encounters. At 50, at 60, he's going to be that pervy old man who still thinks he's 'hot', trying in on with every cute little 20-something coworker, waitress, and shopgirl he encounters as she scoots away from him with a disgusted look on her face and an eye roll. We all know him. We've all encountered him, I daresay you have, too. And we all laugh scornfully at him and cast pitying looks at his long-suffering wife.

And so you need to ask yourself "Do I want to live with this, do I want to look like a fool to people around me for the next 50 years?". I know that I wouldn't.

[MississippiMud314]

Yes, I agree with Acrossthepond. After the last time, the message HE will have received loud and clear is that although you don't like it, your biggest fear is not being stuck with a cheater, your biggest fear is starting again without him, so knowing that he feels free to carry on as before.

[MississippiMud314]

I wasted 8 years with an asshole if that helps! But they weren't all bad. Only the last four :-p

But I should have left sooner and staying doesn't fix the fact that you have a big problem that you have to sort out.

I had about five or six wake up and smell the coffee moments. My x was controlling and abusive not a cheater, but I get that it's hard to sink your losses and start again, but the sooner you do start again the sooner you have something to show for it.

[MississippiMud314]

I wouldn't even bother discussing it with him. It'll be torture. He'll minimise, go on the defensive, imply you're jealous etc.

Just tell him it's over because you don't love him, you're not happy and it's not working.

[Sugary]

How are things now, petal?

[goddessofsmallthings]

Either he's a skank by nature or he's looking for ow fresh fields to sow his oats in. How long did his previous relationships last?

If you intend to have dc with this man you're best advised to get a wedding ring on your finger before you ttc as no crystal ball is needed to predict that you'll be a single parent before you're 40.

[janaus]

Wedding ring wont stop it, if anything is going to happen, Learnt by experience.

[Pseudo341]

I've just read the whole thread. OP he's forcing physical contact onto a woman when she's not comfortable with it, even if he were single that's an appalling way to behave. I'm so sorry he's turned out to not be the person you thought he was. It sounds like you know your relationship is over really. Don't bother with a confrontation, you don't need to tell him you're going until you're ready, you owe him nothing now. It took me several months to extract myself from an abusive relationship when we weren't even living together. Take your time and get out, and in the meantime don't have sex with him or you're risking adding very serious complications to your situation. It really sucks when you thought you were settled for life and suddenly find out you're not, but getting rid of the horrible lech is the first step towards actually being settled for life, you'll struggle to find mr right if you're still shackled to mr wrong. Stay strong, you can do so much better on your own I promise.

[goddessofsmallthings]

A ring through his nose won't stop this prat getting his leg over with ow straying, janaus, but as the OP has referred to her "years of stupidity financially" I considered it necessary to draw attention to the advisability of formalising her relationship with him in order to gain some, albeit limited, financial security when he ups and offs and leaves her holding the baby/ies.

However, if it should be the case that her financial stupidity has extended to providing largesse for him she should, of course, avoid tying the knot without a cast iron pre-nup.

As AcrossthePond has rightly said, this man is shaping up to join the ranks of archetypal 50/60 year olds with bad comb overs and a penchant for perving, and it's to be hoped that the reason the OP hasn't come back is that she's taken to them thar hills where t'internet doesn't penetrate.

If you are reading this, petal, it can't be said that you've "wasted six years" as nothing in nature is wasted and you will have grown exponentially through the experience of investing in a dream that won't come true and extricating yourself from the resultant nightmare.

[petalpotter]

So it's been a few months since this whole mess started. Please don't flame me, as I am so torn as to what to do.

DP and I have carried on as normal tbh, making plans for our future, having a good time etc. It has been surprisingly easy to block out what he did.

BUT, every few weeks something happens that reminds me I need to keep saving and planning financially to leave.

I looked in his calendar on Friday and found he has social drinks with the OW and some other colleagues in the near future. A very small intimate group it seems. He hasn't proactively been in touch with her in a while, it seems someone else organised the drinks (not her).

I just need to get my head straight. I know deep down he is very attracted to this woman. There is nothing wrong with that, we all meet people we are attracted to. However, he acted on it in the worst way. I want to forgive him, but something inside me tells me that if the OW was to give him the go ahead, he would 100% embark on an affair and maybe even also leave our relationship.

I just need advice really. I need a cut off point.

[Amiatotalmug]

Petal I remember your thread from December, i think it's got to the point where it doesn't matter whether he cheats or not, the trust is gone.

Do you want to spend the next X years wondering if he did or didn't do anything? Do you want that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach every time he goes for drinks with that colleague, or indeed another colleague in the future (which sadly there may well be).

You are currently waiting for him to cheat (and going by what you have said there is a good chance he might), aren't you worth more than that?

[Amiatotalmug]

Ps in my mind your partner has already cheated, if my dh was behaving like that then the relationship would be over. You dersrve better!

[petalpotter]

Thank you

I just need the strength to leave but I don't know where I can find it from.

Facts are facts. If this OW said yes, he would cheat.

[WipsGlitter]

You don't trust him.
He's a flirt.
You're snooping on him.
You're saving for when you have to leave.

Seriously why are you still with him?

[daftbesom]

The first time I met a previous DP, he asked me to marry him (it was at a party and he was drunk). I liked him and was flattered and we started going out (I didn't hold him to the proposal lol).

Fast forward 3 months later and I went to meet him and his colleague in a pub. When I arrived he was busy asking the barmaid to marry him. Not quite so cute now! His colleague and I poured him into a taxi, and I rang him the next day to break up with him. No regrets.

I appreciate this is v different from your own relationship - obv you have more invested in your relationship than I had. Only you can draw the line.

For me, that line was the massive disrespect.

[Muldjewangk]

Your cut off point seems to be when he leaves you for this woman, or another woman who will say yes to him in the future. You saw for yourself he is a sex pest. You are worth so much more OP. There will be someone else out there for you who loves only you, let this creep go.

[lunar1]

You will decide to leave eventually, nobody can decide for you when that will be. Just keep on sorting your side out. Get yourself in the best financial position you can.

[JolseBaby]

Look I remember this thread from when you started it.

You decided that you were going to give him another chance. Yet you were back again in January driving yourself crazy over the kiss on the cheek at the work function. Now you're back because you're driving yourself crazy about this drinks arrangement.

Do you really want to live like this? There was a piece in the Guardian recently which was really very sad. Have a read and ask yourself if you want to become that person. It's also worth looking at the sunk costs fallacy.

[TheCrumpettyTree]

Burying your head in the sand is not going to work out in the long run.

[TooSassy]

That article from the guardian is without doubt the most heartbreakingly sad article I have ever read.

Op I remember this thread when it started.

I think arfarf has summarised this perfectly. Only you know what your cut off point is. Many people stay in relationships post cheating. Many don't. It's a very personal decision and only one you can make.

My opinion FWIW? You've given him enough years. Get out. This won't get any better.