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Relationships

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Original poster

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

447 replies

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 19:50

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

OP posts:

FreeSpirit89 · 17/12/2015 20:23

So because he's drunk that excuses his behaviour, you'll always be wondering.
You don't just start feeling a female college, leaving or not. He's been rumbled. He's covering base with admitting to just enough so you don't press but not enough to make him look like more of an arse.
If you asked her, or a college of theirs I expect the stories are different.
Sorry OP

Original poster

petalpotter · 17/12/2015 20:23

I deal with facts only.

He touched her suggestively in public
He gave her the look
He told her he finds her attractive
He had email flirtations with her which insinuated he could cope with her shortcomings if he was in a relationship with her.

The above does not bode well, but behind this is 6 years of history.

I will give him one more chance.

OP posts:

Original poster

petalpotter · 17/12/2015 20:24

Freespirit, I have no doubt in my mind he has had his sights on her for a while.

No doubt that he became more brazen in his approach when he knew he was going.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 17/12/2015 20:30

And now that the colleagues minimised it as well you can be sure they will cover for him when they catch him snogging and groping her.

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 20:35

Why would you want to stay with someone who's 'had his sights' on someone else for a while?

Right now, your relationship depends on whether this woman wants your BF or not, if she does then it's over.

Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted to be with someone else. If she rejects him him he's going to be resentful that he got lumped with second best. You'll paper over the cracks until the next woman he prefers and you'll have wasted more years of your life on him

You need to consider Atilla Meerkat's sunk costs fallacy.

TurnipCake · 17/12/2015 20:36

OP, if you want to look at this as dispassionately as possible and sticking to facts only, then you need to take your 6 year relationship past out of it, because he certainly isn't thinking about you now.

It's very hard to accept, but he is obviously looking for something more with her.

BathtimeFunkster · 17/12/2015 20:39

Freespirit, I have no doubt in my mind he has had his sights on her for a while.

But you will put aside that after six years together he's openly seeking to replace you, so that you can waste a year of your declining fertility trying to make him behave himself.

The point is that he doesn't love you enough.

After 6 years he is openly looking elsewhere.

The 6 years means nothing to him.

Don't throw good years after bad.

ToddlerTantrums · 17/12/2015 20:51

OP no one can change your mind
For you.
I have every hope that you won't be back here in a few months and that we're all wrong. However I hope that the responses to you staying won't put you off if you do need further support. MN is great and in not often seen an 'I told you so' on here so do come back if you need support in future.
Good luck to you. I hope it all works out for you

Original poster

petalpotter · 17/12/2015 20:59

What I can't decide is whether he was looking for a girlfriend or for sex.

Honestly, I can forgive sex. I can't forgive looking for a new GF.

That is what it comes down to.

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 17/12/2015 21:02

I'm sorry OP but it sounds very much like you are his fall back option. If she gives him the nod he will be off like a shot.

Good luck you certainly will need it

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 21:04

It doesn't matter what he was looking for, the fact is he should have been looking for it from you.

Goingtobeawesome · 17/12/2015 21:05

So he can shag her as long as she doesn't become the long term ow?

SuckingEggs · 17/12/2015 21:06

Blimey. He's only sorry because you caught him!

Garlick · 17/12/2015 21:07

What I can't decide is whether he was looking for a girlfriend or for sex.

In my experience, that's not usually an either/or. It would be strange to have sex with someone you didn't even like. You might only have known them an hour or so, but you've at least decided you feel positive about them.

In this case, the pair have been friends for a long time, with regular coffee dates and some intimate emails. So it can't be "just sex" in the way it can with a person you only just met.

Even sex with a stranger can turn into a relationship. They aren't separate things.

Offred · 17/12/2015 21:07

You could forgive sex but you were so upset because you felt as though you'd witnessed them having sex? It doesn't make sense that.

Is it not more that since this has happened and the threat is losing him to her you have adjusted your boundaries and would now forgive sex because it is less than what you are worried he wants?

And you'd forgive him for moving in on a colleague who was so drunk she was falling down and having sex with her while you were away in your home?

That seems like what he was angling after if it was sex and not a girlfriend.

Garlick · 17/12/2015 21:09

Have you always been this passive in your relationships?

Do you even realise how passive you are?

Offred · 17/12/2015 21:09

And don't forget that you've made adjustments to your life which financially disadvantage you in preparation for a future with him.

What has he been doing? Getting intimate with a colleague...

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 21:10

Rather than thinking about what you can or can't 'forgive' think about what light this sheds on your relationship and your partner.

The fact that she was hugging him back and being chatty implies at worst it's reciprocated, at best it's not unwelcome.

SquareRootOfPie · 17/12/2015 21:10

oh petal, so you don't have the energy to move right now before christmas, but restructure your life back to how it was before you made the family-friendly changes. I give you til february. you sound aware. and calm. Don't take this crap.

Offred · 17/12/2015 21:11

He's very far away from a safe bet I'd say.

Who'd do that to someone? Watch them make sacrifices that disadvantage them and then spend months/years trying to get close to someone else?

He has no respect for you on the basis of that.

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 17/12/2015 21:18

Having been thru the same shit with an Ex, I am now astounded at how stupid I was.

If my DH did anything like this, he would get a punch in the Goolies and a packed suitcase full of dog shit from the garden

The thing is, he would never, ever, be such a fucking twat.

RAISE THE BAR !!!!!

And you're Ok if he was just after sex with her? What? Jeepers. I've heard it all now.

Garlick · 17/12/2015 21:18

The Pick Me Dance. It's humiliating, and makes you feel crap.

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

goodnightdarthvader1 · 17/12/2015 21:26

I knew it. I knew from the start OP would minimise this. OP is trying to tell herself that OW was all over him and he was "hesitantly" touching her ass.

OP, you're a fool.

StrawberryMouse · 17/12/2015 21:45

I can see why you're not leaping into action re: leaving. I would feel the same way at the thought of having to suddenly disrupt my own comfortable life over something that wasn't even my fault but what you said about the look he was giving her, as though he wanted to eat her, my heart broke a little for you because I know exactly the look you mean. I'd never want to have sex with him again after seeing that and I think that's what would finish it for me.

If you're choosing to stay, I hope things work out for you. Just make sure you keep on your guard and protect yourself (practically, financially, emotionally) against any more stupid behaviour on his part. You've seen first hand what he can be like when it suits him.

mintoil · 17/12/2015 21:51

I understand you are shocked OP but I can tell from your posts that you are not a stupid woman.

I hope once this has all sunk in properly you will realise how much you are short changing yourself. You are being strung along until something "better" comes along. I am going to leave you with this -

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