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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

447 replies

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 19:50

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

OP posts:

Report

RedRainRocks · 15/12/2015 20:30

If a colleague of mine touched my body in the manner you describe I would have had stern words!! I think the lady in questions reaction to this will tell you just how comfortable they really are together.

He's either a letch or a cheater...

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 20:33

He says he is sorry. Admits he made a mistake. Admits he finds the colleague very attractive, but that's it.

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/12/2015 20:33

She was drunk, groping her like he was hoping to get lucky.

What a creep.

ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 20:35

I think seeing my partner do that would finish me off. You must be feeling awful.

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 20:35

Redrain, I guess you are right.

She didn't stop him. Let him touch her. She wasn't proactively touching him, but I guess allowing oneself to be touched is proactive enough.

So yes, I guess they are reasonably comfortable around each other.

OP posts:

findingmyfeet12 · 15/12/2015 20:36

I think the fact that he finds her attractive makes it worse.

lorelei9 · 15/12/2015 20:38

petal "She wasn't proactively touching him, but I guess allowing oneself to be touched is proactive enough."

not really - she may have been hating it but nervous of repercussions if she said "get off, you git"! To me it wouldn't just be a break up because he fancied her so much - it would be because he's possibly harassed the woman. Obviously you might find out different things, but now I'm wondering if he's senior to her and she might have felt it was better to say nothing.

Rainbunny · 15/12/2015 20:38

Sorry OP! I understand if you want to minimize what you saw and try to dismiss it as a one off but honestly it's highly unlikely that he hasn't done something like that before. Being drunk simply doesn't excuse his behaviour. If you didn't show up do you honestly think it wouldn't have gone further? My DH socializes with his colleagues all the time and they all get very merry on occasion but it would simply never occur to him in his drunkest state to do that. Likewise my male friends and colleagues, the majority are good guys who don't act this way, only a few in my experience really do (I've been on the receiving end- very unwanted I can assure you.) Sorry but your DP is not one of the good guys.

It's one thing to get drunk and flirty, touching someone all over, especially their bum is unacceptable. I actually hope the woman didn't mind because alternatively it makes your DP a potentially sexually-harassing sleaze.

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 20:38

More so than the touching her, it was the way he was looking at her that killed me.

OP posts:

Winifredgoose · 15/12/2015 20:41

You have no children, so I would definitely leave. It crosses a boundary, which given the opportunity would def lead to him cheating. If I allowed a man to touch me in that way I would mentally feel as though I were betraying my husband. Do not let him minimise this.

TeaFathers · 15/12/2015 20:41

bin.
that's all.
who wants to be married to the office letch?

MySordidCakeSecret · 15/12/2015 20:41

ditch him op he doesn't deserve you. Trust me it is so much easier to do it now and find someone better that you can trust than to wait til you have kids, more investment etc.

KurriKurri · 15/12/2015 20:43

He found another woman attractive and he acted on it.

This might be the first time he's done it, but it sure as hell won't be the last.

Do you want to be Ms. 'Default until something better comes along', or are you worth much much more than that?

Secondtimeround75 · 15/12/2015 20:43

Will you always wonder what he is up to when he is out.
If you become pregnant & have kids will you wonder if he is looking elsewhere if things aren't so hot at home?

I would walk now before you become that person.
That seed of doubt will never go & will eventually wear you down.

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 20:44

I don't want to minimize. I am going to have to make a decision that is going to ruin me financially but at least I keep my sanity.

This is what I saw

A group of 10 odd merry people.
Whenever he walked past her he would stop for a quick chat and stroke her back.
While stroking her back, he would slyly lower his land on the last stroke to go down to her bum. This happened twice.
When she sat down, he touched her leg briefly and I saw him mouth the words 'you have nice legs' and also 'great body'.
She gave him hugs at least 3 times, stroking his back.

Writing it down, it may not seem much, but it was the look in his eyes as he spoke to her that killed me.

OP posts:

Notimefortossers · 15/12/2015 20:45

for you OP, but yes LTB . . . and I never say LTB

CakeMountain · 15/12/2015 20:47

Ewww. Yuck. No way would I have kids with that man.

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 20:47

This hurts

OP posts:

P1nkP0ppy · 15/12/2015 20:48

Ketch, lust, all the same result.
Leave him. Clear warning signs.

P1nkP0ppy · 15/12/2015 20:49

Letch fgs

TesticleOfObjectivity · 15/12/2015 20:50

Be glad you've found this out now at least. Sorry op.

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 20:51

I feel like an idiot.

OP posts:

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SoWhite · 15/12/2015 20:52

I don't believe that nothing (even just touching) has happened before.

In front of other colleagues is not the first time to touch someone like that. Their colleagues must be used to it to accept it so easily.

ednabuckett · 15/12/2015 20:52

Sorry op what a horrible thing to witness. Has he got any previous at all? Would you consider it out of character? Have you ever had suspicions before about him or is this the first time?

May09Bump · 15/12/2015 20:52

So sorry - what a twat.

Find someone who treats you with respect to spend your life with, really take advice to LTB whilst you have minimum ties. Financial ties are one thing, married with kids is a totally different ball game.

Be kind to yourself, your probably in shock - remember to eat and try to rest. Then make plans to leave on your terms.

Again, so sorry!

Flip

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