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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

447 replies

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 19:50

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

OP posts:
Original poster
petalpotter · 16/12/2015 21:54

To clarify the messaging of colleagues, it's ok. I used to work there too, so I know these people.

OP posts:
Original poster
petalpotter · 16/12/2015 21:57

It has been really tough. Flitting between wanting to make it work and leaving. Between feeling hurt that he has done this to me and feeling like my pride has taken a hit.

I wasn't the only one to notice. Lot's of rumours flying around about the night. Other people noticed and it is news within our group of friends/colleagues. People genuinely in shock as it's so out of character for him.

OP posts:
iminshock · 16/12/2015 22:13

You realise you don't HAVE to leave him? It's perfectly possible to forgive and move on.

Original poster
petalpotter · 16/12/2015 22:16

He has given me no choice but to go. He is interested in this girl.

OP posts:
socalsunni · 16/12/2015 22:24

They have coffees fortnightly FFS.

Please tell me he isn't going to continue having cosy coffees with this woman?

Even if he says he won't, he probably will continue to do so and you will never know. Sad
They will take their emotional affair underground.
You need to get rid of him. He can't be trusted.

Domino777 · 16/12/2015 22:26

Floor your gut OP

Domino777 · 16/12/2015 22:26

Follow!

Garlick · 16/12/2015 22:27

Oh, petal Flowers

Are you angry yet?

Well done on the sums! Can you make him go away while you sell the house? What about wills, pensions and all that other stuff you've probably done together? Cars & things?

Goodbetterbest · 16/12/2015 22:34

I'm sorry OP.

Look, you can stay and have another go at it BUT only of he is as equally committed and makes you absolutely sure he wants to be with you, your relationship and regains your trust and rebuilds your relationship.

But from your last post it seems as though there is more to it.

Take your time, see a solicitor. There's practical stuff to be done, but there's also a relationship to grieve for.

Diddlydokey · 16/12/2015 22:44

Sad sorry op.

When I was leaving a workplace a few years ago I flirted like crazy with a bloke I fancied although nothing happened, it would have looked terrible to an onlooker.

I was engaged but unhappy and ended that relationship within a month or so. I didn't really realise that I was unhappy until I reflected on my own behaviour the morning after.

The bloke I flirted with was truly no one - he could have been anyone.

ToddlerTantrums · 16/12/2015 22:46

Iv seen my share of office affairs. In my experience only I would say:

I can bet anything if you had access to his work email there would be plenty in there/deleted to her.
If he's brazen enough to be like that in front of colleagues something is going on.
She isn't reciprocating because regardless of how drunk she is she knows that their fellow colleagues are around/watching.
For them to be touchy at the bar and her multiple hugs makes it pretty clear there's more to this than meets the eye.

You need to seriously consider leaving him. One of the main cheaters I knew, his wife ended up kicking him out in the end. She had 2 young children. Don't let yourself get to that stage. Get rid now. It's only harder once there's kids involved.

SquareRootOfPie · 16/12/2015 22:52

Better to 100% own your own one bed flat than to 50% share a house that might have to be sold at some point depending on who your OH decides to chase after Sad

penguinplease · 16/12/2015 23:00

Please leave, I have been here and I turned a blind eye and forgave, our lifestyle was so good, sounds shallow but I was young. 3 dc and 10 years later and I still ended up financially buggered and lost a lot more than I would have if I had trusted my instinct and not been scared to leave.
I love my children but really I would rather have had them with an honest and faithful man rather than an emotional fuckwit who couldn't resist knowing other women found him attractive.

rainbowstardrops · 16/12/2015 23:16

Flowers OP. That must have been crushing to witness but even worse that he isn't sorry and seems to have too much interest in this woman.
What an arse Sad

AyeAmarok · 16/12/2015 23:35

Even aside from the sleazyness, the borderline sexual assault given she didn't seem comfortable with what he was doing, the fact he is lining up either an affair or a new relationship...

He's also humiliated you in front of people you know. That isn't someone who loves you, respects you and cares about you.

Original poster
petalpotter · 17/12/2015 06:13

My head is all over the place.

So many tell tell signs. I can find no trace of this girl. Bizarrely she is not connected to him on any social media, even though I can see she has made some requests to add him. He has ignored. Can only assume it's because he wanted to hide her from me.

I am hurt, angry, confused, humiliated. The list is endless.

OP posts:
allyjay · 17/12/2015 06:42

What does he say op? You seem to think that he wants to replace you with this woman but has he told you so? I think you need to sit down with him and have a proper talk.

So sorry you are going through this, awful at any time of year but particularly shit just before Christmas Flowers

Original poster
petalpotter · 17/12/2015 06:48

He hasn't said he wants to leave me for her, but I can feel it

OP posts:
allyjay · 17/12/2015 06:51

So are you going to sit him down and talk to him?

bittapitta · 17/12/2015 07:07

What would be the point of OP sitting down to talk allyjay? He's "defended" his stupid behaviour enough. Just make plans to leave now OP. Sorry you're going through this. At least the house will sell quickly as it is London.

Joysmum · 17/12/2015 07:15

You saw the email as well. You know this wasn't just a drunken mistake, but an ongoing flirtation.

You can nip it in the bud by calling a halt to your relationship. If he's mnimising and not suitably ashamed, sorry, regretfu, taking ownership of the pain he's caused and addressing why he did this so he can make changes then there's no hope. Although there's a very strong school of thought on mumsnet that even that wouldn't be enough to continue.

TheTigerIsOut · 17/12/2015 07:24

I agree with the rest that staying with him is not a good plan in the long term. But..

You also need to be kind to yourself, and give yourself as much time as you need to prepare your exit.

Let the shock wear off a bit before having the conversation, so you can negotiate how you move in and divide what you own together, with a cool head.

allyjay · 17/12/2015 07:40

I suppose I can't understand the passivity over it all. I would have sat him down and told him in no uncertain terms exactly how he made me feel and exactly how shit his behaviour was. I would be utterly raging. Then I would dump his ass. I don't understand all the second guessing of what he wants and what his motives are. Time to get angry I think.

Fionajsd · 17/12/2015 07:47

What a knob , I don't know how you didn't say anything in the pub I'd have gone apocalyptic then gone home locked the front door and made sure he couldn't get back in.

Xx

allyjay · 17/12/2015 07:50

Me too Fiona.