Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

[petalpotter]

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

[KiwiJude]

Two scenarios:

1. These two have had the hots for each other for ages and now he is leaving the common workplace it frees them up to have a relationship. The way petal talked about him stroking her back etc seemed very possessive/proprietary.
   

1. He's sexually harassing his colleague.
   

Either way, he is an arse. Chin up petal time to look after yourself, you deserve way better than that.

[bloodypeople]

Why will you be ruined financially? If you're not married he won't be entitled to your money.

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

He isn't even that sorry by the sound of it. Get out of there OP! Having kids is hard enough with a man you trust...never mind a lecherous liar like this.

Don't go there.

[Featherstep]

So sorry OP. Sympathies as I remember the feeling when I found out an ex spent an evening out with a girl and they kissed. To witness what you saw must have been much worse.

I was utterly devastated but made the mistake of trying to mend the relationship. The trust was gone though and I was making things worse by checking his phone, etc. Once trust is gone it is hard to regain.

Then a year later I found out he had feelings for another girl he went out to lunch with every once in a while. We broke up. I spent weeks/ months after still feeling like I was being cut up.

Trust your gut. Maybe he transgressed while drunk and is truly sorry. But I would at least call time out. It is unacceptable and you should not tolerate it.

[LeaLeander]

[PegsPigs]

Does he see how what he did was wrong or is he trying to minimise it?

[redcaryellowcar]

You would not be at all unreasonable to leave, or ask him to. I think once you e seen his 'true colours' you can be grateful for a near miss in marrying him. See this as a positive, you've had a glimpse at his true behaviour, now you can move on confidently knowing you will not tolerate this behaviour from a dp.

[Marrou]

I married someone like that, they never ever change. What will happen when you have children, are knackered and don't feel like sex? My experience was that it will just be gotten elsewhere. It is an early warning sign. I'm so sorry :(

[Marrou]

How are you doing? It's such a lousy thing, but such a lucky escape. I married one just like that. It took ten years to realise and leave him :(

[GlitteryFluff]

Get rid.
How disrespectful.

[petalpotter]

I've put marginally more into the house and have made career/life choices to support our longer term plan which means I don't earn enough to be single in London and enjoy the lifestyle we currently have.

I've been doing my sums all night. I could leave, we sell the house, and I use my share to get a 1 bed. Not as bad as I thought.

He is minimizing, doesn't realize how devastating this is for me. For me, it's not about touching her. It's about the way he looked at her. I can tell he has strong feelings for her. That is what hurts. And it hurts knowing he has probably felt this way for a while, and I had no idea.

[blatantplacemark]

How the hell did you manage to be so close to him in a noisy pub that you could hear what he was saying and yet he didn't spot you? You were obviously stood right next to him / you'd have to have been to hear him talking

[blatantplacemark]

And you're messaging his colleagues ?

Umm ok

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

Hope today is ok for you.

Take one step at a time and take care of yourself over anything else.

[NicoleWatterson]

Oh love
The pain gets easier, and I do promise one day you'll look back and think 'why did I waste that time with him?'. It won't feel like it, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I look back now and think "what the fuck was that about?"
Be kind to yourself, get the hell out and let yourself grieve for the life you thought you'd have with him. It will be a brighter one without him in it, although it doesn't feel it now.

[Cabrinha]

When oh when are women going to stop making financially disadvantageous decisions because of relationships?!!

Thank fuck you saw him for what he is now, before you'd trashed your career completely and had a family with him.

I know this is such an awful time for you, but you'll soon have it sorted, you sound pretty savvy. What an arsehole he is.

[TeaFathers]

ok - so its house and lifestyle stopping you calling it a day. again, there are plenty women who put and and shut up, because they want to hang on to their comforts.

of course, he may ditch you at some point down the line anyway and then the rug will be pulled out from under you.
he's already looking over your shoulder at a woman he wants more, regardless of your feelings, so you're on very shaky ground as it is.

you can be sure some of your colleagues pity you. and some will say "why does she stay with him? he's a sleaze" etc. you're that woman at work who's in a relationship with the office letch.
my pride would not let me be that woman.

[ColdWhiteWinePlease]

Just reading this made me feel sick. He is doing exactly what my ExH did. PLEASE GET OUT NOW, HE WON'T CHANGE. My ExH was like this every time he got drunk. Every woman was a target, including my friends and family members. It's heart breaking stuff. You have been given an early warning. Take heed. Men like this don't change!!!!!!!!!!!

[goodnightdarthvader1]

I can't imagine being content with having the lifestyle "I'm used to" and yet put up with my sleazebag of a partner feeling up women in front of other people and hoping he can dip his wick and I won't mind.

What a bizarre way to think.

[TeaFathers]

i agree. they never, ever change.

imagine when you're 55 and he's still chasing more youthful skirt? that's soul-destroying. I always feel sorry for middle aged/older women who have to wrangle their ageing sleazy partners away from other women.

[OurBlanche]

How the hell did you manage to be so close to him in a noisy pub that you could hear what he was saying and yet he didn't spot you? You were obviously stood right next to him / you'd have to have been to hear him talking

Back on page 2 OP clearly said she saw him mouth the words

[TheBlessedCheesemaker]

I can so easily picture this scene going on in Canary Wharf or one of the big city pubs.

Problem you have, OP, is that you are both city career people. Every single organisation in the city is full of bright young confident people looking for partners/fun.The only barrier people have against temptation is a rock solid relationship where you can trust each other not to get your heads turned. Once that trust is gone it will never come back. And every 'late night working' episode or 'quick beer after work' will have you wondering if it is starting/happenimg again. It's not a life you want to lead.

Dump him and get out. Two things can then happen: he gets such a shock that he realises what he has lost, fundamentally changes both outlook and attitude, and convinces you to take him back (not my recommendation), or that doesnt happen and you dodge a bullet. The only alternative scenarion to dumping him is that you forgive him now and hence validate his view that it isnt really a big deal and he can indeed get away with this stuff (but just needs to be more discreet next time).

[DoorToTheRiver]

I know 3 or 4 men like this, they all cheat on their wives. The touching up is trying it on rather than taking flirting too far.

Your DP wasn't being just touchy feely he was trying to get in her knickers. As she was touching his back too I would say at least an emotional affair is already going.

Sorry OP, must have been hard to see it.

He thinks this is acceptable behaviour, don't give him the chance to do it again because he will.

[petalpotter]

What a day.