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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

447 replies

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 19:50

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

OP posts:
ednabuckett · 15/12/2015 21:07

Trust your gut. You know the bloke - you know what he's up to. All you need to do is trust what your instinct is telling you. And it sounds like you already know.

Fucking hurts though I know. What a shithead.

Secondtimeround75 · 15/12/2015 21:08

It isn't the behaviour of a man who respects his relationship.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 15/12/2015 21:08

So sorry, op. He's a complete jerk.

And, reading this, I would be the is only admitting to what he needs to. It may appear out of character but that's because this is the character he has let you see so far. This time, you saw what he is like when you are not around.

bjrce · 15/12/2015 21:08

So what would have happened if you had never witnessed this op?

Do you really think he would have come home and admit his behaviour with the girl from work. Admitting he found her attractive!

You would be none the wiser and he would continue to massage her ego, he was testing the waters with her and you know it.

you are setting yourself up for a life of grief if you stay with this guy. You might think it will be tough on you financially now. Its nothing to what you will have to face to get away from this guy a few years down the line. Possible with a few DC in tow.

ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 21:09

I feel sorry for the woman. She's done well to get to a senior level at a young age and some fucker thinks he can grope her in front of their colleagues? Bastard.

Original poster
petalpotter · 15/12/2015 21:09

I am messaging a few colleagues as we speak.

  • this behaviour is not standard for him
  • the colleague is not even in his team, was a distant stakeholder many moons ago
  • colleague is well liked by many guys, seems like he got an ego boost her giving him attention
OP posts:
Cherrybakewells1 · 15/12/2015 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manandbeast · 15/12/2015 21:11

Please don't consign yourself to a life of this.

He's only going to get worse.

Your mum is wrong, categorically.

Get out now and find someone who deserves you.

(Also maybe work on your self esteem - you shouldn't be contemplating staying)

Thanks
ValancyJane · 15/12/2015 21:12

Get rid, you absolutely should not excuse this! No way I could get past this personally. I wonder if he would have told you if you hadn't have seen it? I'm willing to bet not...

outputgap · 15/12/2015 21:13

In contrast OP, I was out with then boyf's brother. Pile of good looking women clocked him and flirted over to him. He politely managed to shoehorn mention of his wife in the first sentence he spoke and they all backed off equally politely.

That is what decent men are like on a big night out.

You've said above that it doesn't sound that bad, but it really does. We don't need to see how he looked at her to know this crossed the line. It's horrible.

Morganly · 15/12/2015 21:13

He was trying it on. He thought you were out of town. If she'd been more receptive, he'd have had sex with her. I believe you and him about nothing having happened before except probably some flirting as if they were having an affair, they'd be less obvious in front of colleagues.

Baconyum · 15/12/2015 21:14

So he's either a cheat or likely cheat given the opportunity or he's a sexually aggressive arse in the workplace?

If she's younger then maybe she did feel very uncomfortable perhaps even intimidated and not in a position to complain. Is it a make dominated workplace/industry?

Agree with the pp that said this a public disrespectful show of your relationship.

Plus how embarrassing to be the wife of the unprofessional office lech who risks his job by feeling up his female colleagues?

Also belies his real attitude to women generally.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 15/12/2015 21:16

From your last update, OP, it seems you're trying to minimise and deflect blame to her. Don't fall into that trap.

Justaboy · 15/12/2015 21:17

I suppose, I'm going the get shot to pieces but even "good" married men will sometimes look at another woman. I do *sometimes. However acting on it another matter entirely and that's touching her up ably assisted by the demon drink.

So was this someone just a "one off" do you reckon or have their been other examples or evidence that he might have been straying? It does seem that work is a breeding ground for this sort of caper after all he probably spends more waking hours with a woman at work and that's a risk as such but acting on it?

Splitting up is quite traumatic and stressful and I'm sure you won't undertake that lightly.

  • actuality I'm not married now but the wasn't to do with any misdemeanour's with other miss'es and or mrs'es!
SoWhite · 15/12/2015 21:17

seems like he got an ego boost her giving him attention

And you're happy to play second fiddle to that for the rest of your life?

Arfarfanarf · 15/12/2015 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Secondtimeround75 · 15/12/2015 21:18

seems like he got an ego boost her giving him attention

How often does he need one
of these?

TeaFathers · 15/12/2015 21:19

are you staying for the house?
you wouldn't be the first.

roundaboutthetown · 15/12/2015 21:27

No way on earth would I ever marry a man who behaved like that. Odious twerp. It is 100% clear from his behaviour that he would not be faithful to you if you married. Would you rather leave him now, or after you've had children with him?!

Twinklestein · 15/12/2015 21:27

God, let her have him.

There's obviously something going on between them for her to accept that kind of touching and to initiate hugs.

If he's doing this now imagine what he'll be like when you're preoccupied with a kid and his 'ego' boosting some more.

It's great that you found out before you married/had kids.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/12/2015 21:40

What a FUCKWIT.

I'm sorry OP. Flowers

BathtimeFunkster · 15/12/2015 21:45

So you and he both agree that it fine for a man to have a "cheeky feel" of a female colleagues' arse if he fancies her? Confused

Your friends are telling you lies to make you feel better and stay with the creepy lech they know.

A man who behaves like that in public has no respect for women.

Just get rid of him.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 15/12/2015 22:06

Why on earth are you messaging colleagues? Shock

Robotgirl · 15/12/2015 22:16

Hi OP
He was flirting with & getting physical with his colleague, but you've mentioned this 'look ' he was giving her. Sounds like that's bugging you lots. Sorry, but it sounds like there's something going on....

roundaboutthetown · 15/12/2015 22:16

It's very odd both to message work colleagues and to expect them to tell the truth. She's "well liked" by the guys, it seems, which clearly doesn't mean they like her enough to protect her from inappropriate behaviour! That smacks of a working culture where such bad behaviour is condoned, if not the norm.