Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

447 replies

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 19:50

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

OP posts:
findingmyfeet12 · 15/12/2015 20:53

How where you to know petalpotter?

At least you have a chance to escape and make a clean break.

ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 20:53

There isn't enough money in the world to make you happy staying with a man like that.

In what way will you lose money, though?

Pebbles601 · 15/12/2015 20:54

You deserve better. Don't stand for it. He clearly was testing the water with her. You have to think, where would it have led if she had of reciprocated? You deserve someone who will respect you.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 15/12/2015 20:55

Even if he wouldn't be 'technically' unfaithful it's just plain disrespectful to one's partner to play up to someone else when you are in a committed relationship. It shows an absolute lack of respect for the relationship and for you as his partner. I know we aren't supposed to care what others think, but I'd hate to be looked on as an object of pity by people who saw my partner acting like such a prat; "OMG, look at XXX going after YYY. I feel so bad for petal! Do you think she knows? How embarrassing for her!"

Bottom line is that I wouldn't want to be with someone who was so disrespectful of me and of our relationship.

Eminado · 15/12/2015 20:55

So sorry OP, must have been horrible to watch.

Please end it though - now.

Original poster
petalpotter · 15/12/2015 20:55

I don't believe anything has happened previously, but am sure that is because of her. She doesn't look or seem the type to engage in such behaviours.

They are all senior employees in the city and she is a bit younger it appears, but on the same level professionally. So she doesn't stand to gain from any of this nonsense.

He has no previous, out of character completely...

OP posts:
TeaFathers · 15/12/2015 20:56

you're not an idiot.
he is.
i couldn't be with a man who looks at other women that way.
she'll not be the only one btw.
he'll do it again.
and you'll be the wifey sat at home while he's out feeling up other females. tragic.

ednabuckett · 15/12/2015 20:59

Does he realise how seriously you are taking it in terms of your relationship? Or is he playing it down?

OSETmum · 15/12/2015 20:59

He's taken a giant leap over the line there. There's no way I could get past this. I'm sorry OP Sad

Original poster
petalpotter · 15/12/2015 20:59

We have a house together, London, no agreement etc. I'd lose financially and also be unable to buy alone.

OP posts:
Potatoface2 · 15/12/2015 20:59

i wouldnt do anything hasty.....give it a few days and calm down.....then sit down and discuss this with him....see how he reacts....only then decide what you want to do, at the moment it is too raw to think straight...give yourself time

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 15/12/2015 20:59

Get him to fuck!

If he behaves like this with a colleague he should have more respect for and caution around especially when with other colleagues. what does he do with a stranger on a night out with "the lads".

So what if he was drunk, does that mean you can't trust him to stay faithful when drunk? That's shocking for your mum to come out with.

If he's like this now before the stress of children etc I'd be out of there like a shot.

The look he gave her literally sickens me because I know what you mean and he shouldn't be looking at anyone like that. Except you.

Original poster
petalpotter · 15/12/2015 21:00

He is playing it down.

He is trying to insinuate he just had a cheeky feel of her bum.

OP posts:
hefzi · 15/12/2015 21:01

I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP - but losing financially isn't a reason to stay imo, miserable as it is. I lost everything splitting up with XH (except for the £200k of debt he fraudulently took out in my name in the aftermath...) but it still was worth it.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 15/12/2015 21:02

Yet had admitted he finds her very attractive. Therefore is basically admit if he fancy someone he finds it acceptable to start touching them sexually.

ednabuckett · 15/12/2015 21:03

He should be grovelling beyond belief if he's that sorry. He should be realising how much he has hurt you and overstepped the mark and moving heaven and earth to prove he gets it. Him playing it down bothers me - like it's ok to cop a cheeky feel. It really isn't.

Original poster
petalpotter · 15/12/2015 21:03

I can/will cope with the financial fall out.

I could forgive a kiss. Even a one night stand. This is harder for me because he knows her. It can't just be 100% physical. They have coffees fortnightly FFS. He must like her. As PP said, he was probably testing the water.

OP posts:
Eminado · 15/12/2015 21:03

So would he be ok with you doing this?
I highly doubt it.

Haggisfish · 15/12/2015 21:03

Yuck. Better to lose out a bit now than end up losing out on much more ten years down the line when you have dc as well. I'd leave pronto.

Secondtimeround75 · 15/12/2015 21:04

He made you a victim. He has let your relationship down in a very public way. You feel it ,I'm sure his colleagues feel it for you!

It's awful to know a couple like this not to mind be on one. Alcohol is no excuse , no previous incidents doesn't count for much either.

You know this for a fact , you saw it with your own eyes.
Can you forget about it?

anotherbloomingusername · 15/12/2015 21:04

Why would he think it's ok for him to have a "cheeky feel of her bum"?

Because he's attracted to her? Because he views her a a piece of meat for him to fondle?

That answer wouldn't endear him to me much.

Haggisfish · 15/12/2015 21:04

Totally agree with you re drunken one night kiss or stand but with a colleague. Boak.

ednabuckett · 15/12/2015 21:04

Are there ant trusted friends/colleagues who would tell you / know if this is standard form for him?

Original poster
petalpotter · 15/12/2015 21:05

I feel numb.

6 years. My guy is not stupid. He wouldn't risk 6 years for a touch of a womans bum. He wants more.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 15/12/2015 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread