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Original poster

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

447 replies

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 19:50

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

OP posts:
findingmyfeet12 · 20/12/2015 17:04

Given the behaviour that you've described, I'd be willing to put money on him doing it again. I'm sorry to have to say that.

At the very least you'll always have doubts. If you're content to proceed in those circumstances, then good luck to you.

GarlicCake · 20/12/2015 17:36

I at least need to stay to undo years of stupidity financially ... I need a back up plan now.

I get this.

Gather good people around you, petal, to help you build strong fences :)

blueribbons · 20/12/2015 17:56

Definitely protect your finances, but double definitely protect your sexual health. You can end up totally screwed financially and come back from it, but if passes something serious on to you, there's no fixing that. Look after yourself, OP, and please try to realise it has never been about you being good enough for him - he has shown he isn't good enough for you.

FredaMayor · 21/12/2015 15:03

OP, do you believe that if you separated you would lose your job because you will not have the income to be able to support maintaining it?

Another option for you might be to find another job first, in a location affordable/commutable for you as a single person. Possibly preferable to living on a knife edge now that you know your future with BF is out of your hands?

Original poster
petalpotter · 21/12/2015 21:24

I don't want to compromise on my career. It's all I have at the moment and I have invested so much time, energy, resources into it. I am almost where I want to be career wise and to scupper it by bringing chaos into my personal life now doesn't seem worth it.

I'd rather see out the next 6 - 12 months in my current personal situation, and then be ready to make a move from then once I've made that next career step.

OP posts:
Original poster
petalpotter · 21/12/2015 21:28

For those interested, DP has not contacted/spoken to the OW since that night. We are both preoccupied with Xmas but let's see what the NY brings once we are both back at work.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 21/12/2015 21:29

OK, then time to get selfish and manipulative. He deserves it.
Be HONEST with yourself about how long you need to stay to sort out your career mess. Is it 6 or 12 months? 6 to 12 isn't good enough. Work it out. Then go hell for leather to sort it.

In the mean time, tell him you need to rebuild trust blah blah blah and don't sleep with him. Cos otherwise you're prostituting yourself.

Are you REALLY sure you can't go it alone?

Is it really worth staying with this man who cheats on you? (and sending those emails and groping her arse is cheating, and you think that too)

Cabrinha · 21/12/2015 21:30

Hasn't spoken to her that you know of, don't be a fool.
If he hasn't... he will in the NY.
Or he'll take up with another one.
Because this wasn't a momentary drunken lapse. Be honest with yourself.
Not that a drunken lapse is inevitable or excusable.

Original poster
petalpotter · 21/12/2015 21:35

He definitely hasn't spoken to her. He doesn't even have her number.

However, as you say, I am sure the emails will start in the NY. No doubt in my mind that one of them will email either directly or indirectly given how connected their work lives are.

No denying it, have gone over what I saw, what I know of him and the email. He probably found her attractive from day 1. When he knew he was leaving, he began making a play for her. Becoming more obvious/direct in his lust for her. What I saw that night was the culmination of a build up of lusting after this girl. No idea whether he wanted a relationship with her or whether he wanted a quickie but either way, the end result is the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
petalpotter · 21/12/2015 21:41

What kills me is this; the email conversation shows me that either he was

a) trying to convince her/portray to her that he wanted her as a GF to get in her pants or
b) he was genuinely making a play for her as he did/does want a relationship with her, and not just sex.

It is b) that absolutely kills me. I could live with (a) as I would just think what an absolute twat. I would lose all respect for him and be glad to be rid. But (b), that is a different ball game completely. That really really hurts me.

OP posts:
Mince314 · 21/12/2015 21:45

Even if it's "only" lust, what would kill me in your shoes is that he couldn't hide his attraction to her in front of mutual colleagues, in front of you, in front of your mum even. Not that it would be any less bad if he'd tried it on with her with no witnesses, but the fact that he did it with so many witnesses would make me think he wants the rug ripped out from under his current relationship. It's not just an attempt to cheat, it's so blatantly disrespectful that it looks like he wants to be caught.

Original poster
petalpotter · 21/12/2015 21:53

He didn't know I was there. He thought it was just him and his colleagues. But as you say, doesn't make much difference. It's a small world and people talk.

OP posts:
franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 21/12/2015 22:34

No matter what has happened what do you want to do?
Sit and watch or be proactive and sort yourself out so you don't get hurt money wise and emotionally either.
Time to invest in your future op

Cabrinha · 21/12/2015 22:50

But both A and B are absolutely cast iron reasons to get rid of the sleazy shit.
Doesn't matter which, does it?

RideEmCowgirl · 21/12/2015 23:04

The only reason it is out of character for him is because he just hadn't been careless enough to be seen previously.

What's the point in staying with him if you just think he will cheat anyway and so you will eventually break up?

I am actually saddened by how little self respect and regard you had for yourself.

Really hope you don't "catch" anything from him.... how can you bear the thought of having sex with him knowing that his penis has recently touched the insides of another female?

Mince314 · 21/12/2015 23:09

you sound sensible to me. You are thinking about all of this calmly, what it means. You are going to have a back up plan (does that mean financially). People need time to process information. You're processing.

scarlets · 21/12/2015 23:10

If you're going to stay with him to maintain your lifestyle whilst you get to where you want to be career-wise (and it's not that outrageous to do this, I suppose) don't bring children into it. Squirrel money away in your own name, be ruthless, be prepared. You never know when he'll fall for someone who'll want him to leave you, unlike this particular woman who seems to be stringing him along, so get yourself sorted, in case things don't work to your timescale.

I wish you could ditch him right now but you've clarified why you can't.

Good luck.

Offred · 21/12/2015 23:14

I can't see that any amount of money or career is worth living in this situation for 6-12 months...

magoria · 21/12/2015 23:16

He has decided you aren't all or what he wants long term.

Use the next 6-12 months to get yourself where you want to be work wise and get rid of his sorry arse.

In the mean time ensure you use condoms if you are going to sleep with him to protect yourself as much as possible and the pill/some other form of contraception so you don't tie yourself to him forever.

KiwiJude · 21/12/2015 23:53

Good luck petal, get yourself sorted then get the hell out of Dodge. Wine Chocolate

elvistal7 · 22/12/2015 05:56

The problem with relationships is that we are afraid to question and check on the strength of our love. We want to silently cross our fingers and hope all goes well til the day we die. This kills romance. You two could be perfect long term lovers but your silence will kill your love. The truth is that partners feel it's ok if the laughter, fun, mischief and silliness fades because 'real life' take over. Well we don't do that with friends so why do we accept this logic with partners? If laughter and mischief and silliness decreases in a friendship, do we then tell this friend "hey, let's move in together and see each other every day even though our laughter is decreasing"?

Face this guy with bravery and honest. Ask him and yourself "when was the last time you laughed with each other more than with friends? How often does it happen now vs how often did it happen say 5 years ago? There lies your issue. If you're not willing to see this as a joint problem, then even if you leave this guy, you'll end up in a similar situation with the next guy. We need to treat partnerships the way we treat friendships. Increase interaction only if pleasure and joy is increasing. Any two idiots can like good qualities in each other such as dependability, kindness, ambition, ...etc. The question is how do you feel about each other's silliness? Do you tolerate it or adore it? Do you love the fact that he talks toouch, or gets angry when driving, or laughs at certain jokes, or finds some hobbies so much fun when you don't get it? And how about him towards you? Do you find joy just out of seeing each other smile? Are you both willing to exchange mobile phones for 3 days without having to pre warn anyone? This isbthe problem with relationships. We find out that a partner is close to a work colleague or an old friend or even is spending more time with a friend or a on hobby and we are surprised. The fact that its a surprise means that you have taken each other for granted some time ago and started to live separate lives mentally. How can you even contemplate having children with someone you obviously don't really love as you would a very close friend?

In summary, face your partner and both of you ask why has the fun gone? Don't pretend that you still have a strong relationship, if it was string, you would have noticed. Why do you both accept this diluted version of love? Find out ifbyou can become each other's best laughter friends again, if not th en end it.

I wish you the best of luck because obviously you care about this man and he cares about you. The question is are you good casual fir3nds but bad long term cohabitees? Find out by gauging your laughter. Dobthis long before marriage and definitely pre children.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/12/2015 09:31

What thread are you reading elv ? Confused

DrMorbius · 22/12/2015 09:50

Op - I have dipped in and out of this thread but frankly could not be bothered posting, sorry if this is harsh, but the truth often is, because from the outset you have minimised his actions and largely to my mind ignored the great advice on he.

You keep stating things as if they are "truths", example - He definitely hasn't spoken to her. He doesn't even have her number. what utter tosh. You know nothing other than what you have seen/heard. Stop deluding yourself. Do you really think they don't have ways of cummunicating without you knowing? Are you that naive?

And as for saying you would be OK if he was only trying to get in her pants, but would be upset if he was really making a play for her. You need to take a long hard look at yourself woman, if you think that is the best you deserve.

spudlike1 · 22/12/2015 10:12

You are mad to stay with this man .
Listen to the advice and experiences of the older women on here .
I wasted my late twenties with a cheating man . You've been given a gift here you've you've witnessed him cheating on you .
Wise up

imjustahead · 22/12/2015 10:12

op. i read this as you being a bit grateful right at the moment that he effectively has chosen you. You feel relieved, that things are back to 'normal' iyswim.

Underneath, and i believe it will surface for you soon, given your initial post you 'know' he's failed you and this relationship. Therefore when you get angry again you will leave.