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Original poster

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

447 replies

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 19:50

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

OP posts:
Offred · 18/12/2015 19:05

But he has allowed you to make decisions that disadvantage you in preparation for the future you were expecting with him. He hasn't ensured that you are protected and as it turns out in at least some of that time he has been actively pursuing another woman.

I know you are thinking about the past 6 years investment but I think you need to face the fact that he is at the very least not as committed to the relationship as you would like him to be and at the worst stringing you along until someone he likes better comes along.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 18/12/2015 19:08

Of course he hasn't bloody learned! The only reason he didn't fuck her is because you caught him! Now all that will happen is that he'll be more discreet in the hopes you won't find out.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 18/12/2015 19:17

petal I always respect someone's right to do as they wish, so I respect yours. All I'll say is that you are selling yourself cheap to be putting up with someone who doesn't respect you.

I can only suggest, however, that you realize that things may not be rosy for your future and that you 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'. You need to have what BFF and I called a 'Fuck You Fund'. You need to build a savings pot in your name only for when if the shit hits the fan. And that you make sure your interest in your home is secure and that you separate all finances if any of them are joint.

VintageTrouble · 18/12/2015 19:21

This part of your relationship is the easy bit. The bit where it is just you, and him, together.

When you have dc together that is when its gets really hard. Or when you want dc and can't have them. Or when you are pregnant and you don't want sex, or you've had a miscarriage and are pregnant again and won't have sex because you're scared.

If he can cheat now, when he has a lovely gf at home loving him, and a carefree life, what do you think will happen when you are distracted and sex isn't on the cards all the time? Do you think he will support you because he loves you?

Or find another colleague to go out for coffee with, and moan about you with, and get close to because you don;t understand him, and you haven't slept together in months..

SquareRootOfPie · 18/12/2015 19:23

petal I used to appeal endlessly to my X to change his ways. (He was controlling and abusive rather than a cheater) but I realised at some point that I had no power to make him change because his biggest fear was not he would lose me! Oh no, his biggest fear I guess was that it might be a struggle for him to get what he wanted. He however knew that my biggest fear was to write off 7 years and leave him and start again. So the sound of my voice squeaking made no impact at all. he would pretend to listen occasionally and then we'd go back to normal. It continued like that for ages. His biggest fear not that he'd lose me but that getting his own way would be obstructed by children, noise, inconvenience etc... and my biggest fear was facing the world as a single parent with all of the practical and emotional challenges that came with that.
Things only changed when I realised that my biggest fear was another forty years of it. And he only changed when he realised that losing me was a more than a possibility.

OhDearMuriel · 18/12/2015 19:32

OP, sorry, harsh I know, but this IS the beginning of the end for you and him :0(

Devastatedcoconut605 · 18/12/2015 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CPtart · 18/12/2015 19:58

You've only been together for a mere 6 years. Look ahead. Marriage means spending the next 56 years with this catch....with DC that need taking care of (probably by you for the majority when he does the inevitable). Is this the kind of man you want for their father?
Don't be a mug.

Joysmum · 18/12/2015 20:10

I feel so sorry for you that you feel you want to be with someone you believe will cheat. I can't ever imagine choosing that for myself because I love me more than I love any man. Sad

Your biggest mistake, bigger than his, is that you've made yourself financially vulnerable.

Personally I'd use this as the push you need to get a solicitor to draw up your ownership agreement for your home and save up a separation fund so you can without money troubles holding you in a situation you don't deserve.

wallywobbles · 18/12/2015 20:23

What do you think he has learnt from this experience?

That he can do as he wants and that you will gripe a bit then forgive as long as he appears to be sorry?

Or that his whole life will turn to shit?

I feel he has got off a bit easy. Nothing to stop him doing it again really is there.

Good luck. No one is calling you stupid here.

Twinklestein · 18/12/2015 22:15

He's got off way too easy.

If you want to give him a second chance - and that's your prerogative - he needs to know that he nearly lost you, and next time he will. He needs to make a conscious decision to stay because he wants you, not because he failed to pull OW.

Otherwise, he'll do it again because now he knows for sure he can.

So if you want this to work you musn't just 'forgive him' - which isn't real forgiveness anyway it's just capitulation from fear of losing him - you must make him understand that it was almost over because of this.

GarlicCake · 18/12/2015 22:59

I want to thank these two posters.

his biggest fear I guess was that it might be a struggle for him to get what he wanted. He however knew that my biggest fear was to write off 7 years and leave him and start again. So the sound of my voice squeaking made no impact at all. he would pretend to listen

This is a great summary of what happened in my relationships, too. It's kind of a fresh angle - and gloriously reduced to the essentials.

I can't ever imagine choosing that for myself because I love me more than I love any man.

This is what I lacked. This is why, despite my feminist independence and massive pay packets, I was a relationship doormat. I knew what I was worth in money but not in respect & consideration.

An old-time Mumsnetter liked to say "never put a man at the centre of your life". I learned this lesson late but, I think, well. Hope you learn it sooner, petal. In your own time, but don't go too slowly.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 18/12/2015 23:16

I so agree. If he wants you enough not to do this he will stop.

If he doesn't, he really isn't worth it.

Jengnr · 18/12/2015 23:29

You think he will cheat. Trust me, this way lies madness. You will torture yourself every time he goes out without you, or is late back from work, or is fucking about on his phone/tablet pr doesn't answer you straight away etc.

It's a miserable way to live and it will do for you. Please end it now. Xx

Sallystyle · 18/12/2015 23:31

You are selling yourself short. It's so sad to see you do this, see you settle for this man and waste your life, or however many years on someone like this. Life is short, and it is precious and one day you will look back and wonder why, why you spent years with this man when you could be with a man who respects you, is loyal to you and one you can start a family with, secure as anyone ever can be in his loyalty to you and your family.

This probably isn't the first time he has done this and probably won't be the last. Change is hard, losing security it hard and sometimes it's better the devil you know, but in the long run you are going to regret this.

Why spend time with a man you think will cheat? Don't you respect yourself? Don't you want a better start than that for your future children?

I really hope you change your mind.

roundaboutthetown · 19/12/2015 00:15

The only thing he has learned is not to feel his girlfriend up in public. Whoop dee doo.

CreepingDogFart · 19/12/2015 07:28

OP - you can forgive sex?
Wtf?
You've just set yourself up for a lifetime of being shat on.

Doublebubblebubble · 19/12/2015 07:49

Yanbu - office relationships happen. There are stationary cupboards to go in etc ltb x Flowers x

bittapitta · 19/12/2015 07:50

But why are you staying together OP? Because it's easier financially? Because you are planning children with him (ugh)? Because you think he will change? What are you hoping to get from the relationship now? It can't go back to how it was.

You are still young and you've said upthread you can afford to split the proceeds of the property and live apart. Leave now, not after a few years when you find he's still taking the piss.

BathtimeFunkster · 19/12/2015 08:48

People are allowed to make mistakes.

Yes, it would be awful for him if the mistake of assuming you were away as planned meant that he got dumped before he even has a chance to shag the woman he's been after for months.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 19/12/2015 08:53

Teafeathers, you said "luxuries" not "lifestyle". The two are different.

Life isn't black and white and time for a childless woman who does want children isn't infinite.

It takes guts to turn your life upside down by leaving a long-term partner and throwing yourself back into the fray, to start from scratch again after having invested years in a relationship. Of course that is probably exactly what OP should do but it's still hard and accusing her (and other women in "they") of staying for the "luxuries" is a gross misrepresentation of women's motivations.

Jibberjabberjooo · 19/12/2015 09:14

So you're waiting for him to cheat before you leave? Wtf?

Is that really how you want to spend your life? Do you not think you deserve better than a partner who wants to cheat on you?

You can forgive sex? You really really need to set the bar much higher.

Goodbetterbest · 19/12/2015 09:21

OP, sometimes it's not the thing he does that makes you leave, it's feeling strong enough to make that break.

One day, like me, you'll look back and say 'I saw the red flags, I ignored them' and the 'we had kids. Had to get me head down and make the best of it'.

I totally understand if you aren't yet ready to separate, but one day you will. I hope it comes for you sooner rather than later.

I genuinely wish you the best of luck OP.

roundaboutthetown · 19/12/2015 09:22

I agree, Theydontknow.

Unfortunately, you do not have an infinite amount of time if you are in your mid-30s and want children. Doubly unfortunately, the OP's partner also knows that and knows he is still attractive to more fertile younger women. He could cut his losses and run with far fewer repercussions than she could, particularly since they haven't even got engaged, let alone married. Whatever happens, she is the biggest loser.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 19/12/2015 09:38

Thank you roundabout Smile for understanding exactly what I mean.