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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

447 replies

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 19:50

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

OP posts:
Allofaflumble · 20/12/2015 00:29

What I don't understand is how earlier on in the thread, you kept saying you could not get over how he was looking at her. How you just knew that he wanted her by that look etc.

How will you block that out of your mind? Ignore that? Not finding yourself festering on it? Not coming into your mind when you are having sex with him. In sounds like you are setting yourself up for an enormous head fuck!

Cellardoor1 · 20/12/2015 01:05

He's not going to marry you. He will leave you as soon as someone comes along who reciprocates his advances, I guarantee it. He is already actively looking and trying to set up opportunities to get a new girlfriend but doesn't want to end things with you until the next one is lined up.

If you really want kids you should make plans to get out of this relationship.

Baconyum · 20/12/2015 01:34

Yep I can see this being 'we've been living together no engagement no kids then we split cos he met ow and 6 months later they're married baby on way'

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/12/2015 10:47

From YOU, OP:

I deal with facts only.

- He touched her suggestively in public
- He gave her the look
- He told her he finds her attractive
- He had email flirtations with her which insinuated he could cope with her shortcomings if he was in a relationship with her.

But sure. It's "out of character" and a one-off drunken mistake.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 20/12/2015 10:55

Now if it was me saying this you'd pitch up and accuse me of being over invested Wink

You won't win the OP over by being sarcastic and berating her, although I agree she should LTB.

roundaboutthetown · 20/12/2015 13:33

You don't act out of character by mistake... This was a deliberate act of infidelity.

Joysmum · 20/12/2015 13:42

This wasn't a drunken mistake. His email shows he was courting her attentions and it was premeditated.

Jibberjabberjooo · 20/12/2015 13:51

This wasn't a drunken mistake and you know that. But by telling us that you are trying to convince yourself it was.

Don't wait until you have a baby before he cheats. It will be a million times worse.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/12/2015 14:04

Fanjo, I honestly don't care one iota about your opinion of what I say or do. Move along.

rainbowstardrops · 20/12/2015 14:34

Go for it OP. Let's hope your lovely home and lifestyle is enough when you close your eyes while he's touching you and you see the look he gave the ow while he was touching her.

magoria · 20/12/2015 14:38

Go for it OP.

Just please don't bring children into a relationship when one party is already off looking for the better option.

Goingtobeawesome · 20/12/2015 14:49

I think people understand why you haven't left. You're frightened of being on your own. You think he's the best you can do. You don't want to feel you've been a fool to stay with him so long and forgive all his other twatty behaviours.

People are frustrated you will settle for a cheating prick who will go further next time now you've said he can.

Original poster
petalpotter · 20/12/2015 15:10

I am not frightened of being alone, but now is not a good time to be leaving.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 20/12/2015 15:20

Now doesn't seem to be a good time to be in a relationship with this man Sad

rainbowstardrops · 20/12/2015 15:30

Now is also not a good time to let him know that he's got away with his appalling behaviour.
You've given him the green light. Good luck

Joysmum · 20/12/2015 15:35

I am not frightened of being alone, but now is not a good time to be leaving

I completely understand that but please don't minimise or try to explain away this as justification not to be leaving now.

The concern is, that you will try to suppress the hurt and then remain stuck in this relationship because you've minimized his actions and your hurt. Then he does the same or worse and continued to look outside of your relationship for liaisons with other women by which point you've wasted more of your life on him and maybe even bought kids into the equation meaning you're more likely to put up even more shit 'for the sake of the children'.

Goingtobeawesome · 20/12/2015 15:49

If you could leave, would you?

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 20/12/2015 16:11

petal Just out of curiosity, what would you consider a 'good time' for leaving?

Jibberjabberjooo · 20/12/2015 16:21

I'm not sure there ever is a good time to be leaving, but leaving is far harder when you are married and have children.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 20/12/2015 16:23

Yes it's quite annoying when people do that isn't it goodnight.

I wish you all the best whatever you do OP Thanks

Jibberjabberjooo · 20/12/2015 16:31

OP you must have read the numerous threads on here from people who've found their husband's are cheating and the fallout and dilemmas afterwards of what to do, whether to break up the family or stay for the children or try and make it work or make him leave etc etc, and how fucking awful and traumatic and stressful it all is. Not just for them but for the children. Don't put yourself in this position.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/12/2015 16:54

OP, why exactly is it not a good time? And when will be a good time since you're "hoping he doesn't do it again"?

Original poster
petalpotter · 20/12/2015 16:57

If I could leave now, yes I would.

OP posts:
Original poster
petalpotter · 20/12/2015 16:59

I hope he doesn't do it again, and I will stay with him if that is the case.

In the meantime, I at least need to stay to undo years of stupidity financially so that if I do need to go, at least I am able to without having to completely screw myself up financially and career wise.

I am 100% committed to making our relationship work (as long as he is), but I need a back up plan now.

OP posts:
findingmyfeet12 · 20/12/2015 17:02

Op, your last two posts are contradictory Confused

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