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Original poster

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

447 replies

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 19:50

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

OP posts:
FredaMayor · 18/12/2015 13:57

a big shock to jolt him into realisation

I don't think that or anything else would be effective. The ship has sailed.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 18/12/2015 13:58

The last time I looked at this thread the op was going to split up with her partner but now she is giving him another chance? That has disaster written all over it. He will do this again but next time he will probably sleep with her or someone else.

I don't understand why some women stay in relationships waiting for a marriage proposal either. If you want to get married to him and he does to you then it would be happening already.

Sorry op I know how hard it must be but I really think you should reconsider. I've seen this situation play out before and it does not end well.

Garlick · 18/12/2015 14:11

I've seen this situation play out before and it does not end well.

Oh, yes - we all have, I should think, and I'm not the only one who's been in it.

Petal, we know it's an enormous mental shift to make and most folks can't actually do it in one go. We'll still be here for you later.

CakeMountain · 18/12/2015 14:44

Six years is a long time. But twelve, eighteen, twenty-four are longer. Are you not just delaying the inevitability of being enormously screwed over here?

Devastatedcoconut605 · 18/12/2015 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ICanSeeForMiles · 18/12/2015 15:52

To be honest, and it goes against the grain here, but I always think people are fallible. I feel that, with me, I will forgive one mistake, but anything beyond that it's over.
I've made mistakes in relationships, who hasn't?

It sounds as though you've made your mind up, best of luck OP.

Garlick · 18/12/2015 15:58

I suspect most couples have an unpublicised "three strikes" rule or similar. The problems come with enforcing it: three undiscovered strikes, freely confessed? Or are they resigned to spending half of their couple time playing detectives?

Each couple has its own rule book. But they need to be clearly understood and rigidly respected. Difficult, isn't it?

^^ This is why any future relationship of mine will operate zero-tolerance policies; too much angst over my previous compromises - and far too many of those compromises. But I guess each of us has to work it out for ourselves ...

loveyoutothemoon · 18/12/2015 16:55

I agree, you are giving him the go-ahead to cheat. Whether or not he does it again, I can't believe you want to stay with him, why would you after this? You need some self respect. If you are staying with him you should make him move out for at least a few days. He's got away with it!

TeaFathers · 18/12/2015 17:05

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow - How incredibly offensive Teafathers

i don't care that you're offended. and there's no need to be so rude.
do you always slap down people who disagree with you? you sound very aggressive.

findingmyfeet12 · 18/12/2015 17:08

Wow, Teafeathers - you cared enough to quote and comment Hmm

I'm sure you'll not care about my opinion either, but your post was offensive and rude.

TeaFathers · 18/12/2015 17:11

she's staying with him for the house and lifestyle.
he felt up another woman at a works do and she knows he wants her.
and she's going to stick by him.
that is tragic.

findingmyfeet12 · 18/12/2015 17:12

That's not quite the time of your previous posting.

findingmyfeet12 · 18/12/2015 17:12

Tone

Notimefortossers · 18/12/2015 17:13

What a fool

Joysmum · 18/12/2015 17:13

TeaFathers

I actually think she's right and having thread her post s few times I can't see any aggression in their, just frustration and annoyance at your previous shallow and abrupt post.

You've effectively accused the OP and countless other women in this situation of being a gold digger and only interested in the lifestyle she'd lose.

they was quite rightly pointing out the human emotional aspect you struggle to appreciate.

Your post was very damaging to women at their lowest ebb.

TeaFathers · 18/12/2015 17:17

i did not allude to her being a gold digger.
that's not fair Joy.
staying for the house and lifestyle does not make her a gold digger.
but how could anyone stay for those two things when he's eyeing and feeling up and sweet-talking another woman?
would you stay with him after that? honestly?
i would not.

KurriKurri · 18/12/2015 17:20

OP - I know this is terribly hard for you, I know the sick gut wrenching feeling when someone you love does this to you.

It happened to me after 31 years of marriage. And in the first shock of discovery I think I would have forgiven him because the thought of life without him and having to go it alone was so devastating - I thought my life was planned out, and it all came crashing down.

But two years later and after some follow up shittiness from him I am so glad I didn't give him another chance. He asked me to and I said no - and it made me feel strong and in control of my life again.
For me it was one strike and you are out - even after 31 years. Decent people do not cheat on their partners it is a fundamentally cruel and vicious thing to do.

I only wish I had known about his nastiness after six years of marriage - then I wouldn't feel I had thrown away my life on a worthless person - someone not worthy of my love and care. I would hate for you to waste your life on someone who isn't good enough for you.

But even at my age and after so long, I now see this as a new beginning for me, it is better to be on your own than with someone who treats you badly and for the first time in 31 years I don't have to put up with the worry, anguish and general bullshit of living with a liar and a cheat.

You will decide what you want to do, he won't change, but you maybe can live with that. But give yourself time - you don't have to decide this minute or this month, think it all through, and when you do decide what you are doing make sure it is on your terms and that your best long term interests underpin your choice.

Good luck. x

roaringfire · 18/12/2015 17:39

OP, sorry you are going through this.

You could stay with him, but you are only delaying the inevitable and fundamentally, putting your life on hold. The sooner you move on, the sooner you have a chance of happiness and hopefully meeting somebody who will only ever look at you the way he looked at her.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 18/12/2015 17:46

Posters criticising TeaFather, OP did in fact make mention at least twice worrying about leaving her partner and still maintaining the "lifestyle" she was used to, so it's not unreasonable to assume that's part of her insane decision, since she's specifically mentioned it.

Personally, it wouldn't really enter my head if someone was treating me like a total doormat, but different strokes and all that.

Original poster
petalpotter · 18/12/2015 18:06

Thank you for all the advice. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Some think I am an idiot staying. Logically, do I think it's likely he will cheat? Yes. Do I think he is actively looking for someone else? No.

OP posts:
Offred · 18/12/2015 18:09

I think more people are concerned about the position you'll be in if you have children with a man who has such little respect for you really, that's why people are saying don't get pg and make sure contraception is rock solid.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 18/12/2015 18:13

Logically, do I think it's likely he will cheat? Yes. Do I think he is actively looking for someone else? No.

OP, WHY do you think SO LITTLE of yourself that this is what you're willing to settle for?

And believe me, mate, he's looking. He's keeping his fucking eyes PEELED. It might not be for a girlfriend, no (he probably has a cushy situation with you and your "lifestyle") but for a cheap shag? Totally.

Do yourself a favour, insist on condoms from now on.

Devastatedcoconut605 · 18/12/2015 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
petalpotter · 18/12/2015 18:59

I think he will cheat, but I hope he doesn't.

If he does, I will leave.

We have spoken about what happened, he understands how I feel. I am giving him a second chance, despite logically thinking it is statistically likely he will cheat. He assures me he won't, but I can only hope.

People are allowed to make mistakes. I've made mistakes in the past, we all have. I just hope he has learnt from his.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 18/12/2015 18:59

Do I think he is actively looking for someone else? No

But he was actively looking for her!

Either a) he's always been like this with women when you weren't there in which case you've got a sex pest potential cheat for a partner or b) it's this woman in particular that he's going all out for - in which case he just isn't that into you.

It's lose lose.

Please don't waste any more of your childbearing years on this man.